Past Imperfect

Past Imperfect – #51

Vivien, the Actress, playing a proper British Southerner: “Well, I declare. I am outraged at your suggestion.”

Clark, the Actor, playing whatever role brought the best paycheck: “Frankly, my dear, you’re always outraged.”

Victor, the Director (well, the director once they canned George Cukor): “Aw, geez, my ulcer is flaring almost as much as Vivien’s dress. And I have a strange yearning for a peppermint candy.”

The guy who looks like John Wayne but probably isn’t because John Wayne wasn’t in this movie (maybe he stopped by with some Republican brochures?): “Now, honey, I didn’t mean to rile you up. I wasn’t trying to be rude.”

Vivien: “You weren’t trying? How is it NOT rude to ask a woman to raise her dress in public? Not only is that an uncouth request, but you’re expecting me to do so in front of nameless extras who can only be identified by their crotches at this point.”

Clark: “Oh, come on. This wouldn’t be the first time you’ve hiked your britches in front of men that you don’t even know. Remember that time when you sucked down all your rosewater perfume because the Yankees had blocked the harbor and we were all out of gin? People saw your border crossing all the way down in Cuba.”

Victor, trying to regain some control of the situation after the remark about George getting canned: “Vivien, darling, we’re on a very tight schedule. And speaking of extras, we’ve been trying to find all the hundreds of extras we hired to play wounded soldiers in what will become the famous trainyard scene. We can’t find them anywhere!”

John Not-John: “And that’s why I asked you to life up your skirt. I don’t want to see your cooter, but from the looks of it, you could have a whole regiment up in that mess.”

Vivien, still affronted: “I’ll do no such thing. And I can assure you that my cotton patch is both unsoiled and devoid of missing men. I’m a proper lady!”

Muffled voice from under the peppermint tent: “Proper Lady, could you have someone bring us some water? We’re thirsty and we’re tired and it’s really dark and everything smells like Laurence Olivier.”

Clark, rather bemused: “So, was that one of the extras or do you just have extremely oratorical flatulence? I’ve eaten some grits in this town that’ll do that to you.”

Victor: “Aw, hell. I’ll never be able to explain this to Corporate. I think I understand how George might have been secretly thrilled with his canning, the lucky guy.”

John Not-John: “And I think it’s time for the people of Cuba to get another gander at Vivvy’s border crossing. Hoist the sails, honey.”


Previously published. No changes made, as I don’t think I can top the Larry Olivier line. Some things you should just let be…


24 replies »

  1. Aw fiddle dee dee. That skirt might be the reason the South lost. Sorry for that bit of home truth, but will ‘those’ people ever get over it? If the women were hampered because they could not get through a normal sized door or frame, or sit down without a lot of rearranging of things south of the border so to speak; or run like the dickens from miscreants bent on examining Cuban borders without leave; it’s no wonder they couldn’t properly gather and hoist the kind of coup America (the allegedly “United” ) needs right now. Viva le Female Revolution!! (and of course dear, that includes you! You’re a member of our little club… 😉 )

    Liked by 2 people

    • First, I’m a bit giddy about being annointed a member of the club, and I shall relish my membership with considerable pride.

      Second, restrictive couture very well could be the fault line whereupon this country splintered. I’ll have my research team delve further.

      Third, thank you for saying “fiddle dee dee”. I fear that we don’t say it often enough…

      Liked by 1 person

  2. You really nailed her voice, as well as her sexual proclivities — or at least I assume you did. I recall reading something once about her insatiable appetite in that regard, and how poor Lawrence grew tired of it. But over to Clark, were all his roles the same character and was that character himself?

    Liked by 1 person

    • Well, I can’t really speak to the true nature of Clark, as I wasn’t there, despite being almost old enough to qualify for such a scenario. From what I understand, he was hell to work with and, according to several sources including Miss Leigh, the aroma from his poorly-maintained false teeth was a considerable affront.

      Hmm. I seem to have gotten particularly petty with this comment, despite my personal avowals to avoid such. I guess I’m feeling a bit frisky tonight…

      Liked by 1 person

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