Humor

15 Things About Modern Technology That Make You Want to Scream

1. You watch a TV show that you’re not all that interested in just because you’re too exhausted to figure out how to get to that Guide channel on the new remote that your partner keeps swapping out every two weeks. (Why must we always have new ones? WHY?) Besides, every time you do find that menu, you punch a button you shouldn’t and eventually hell breaks loose.

The next day, people yell at you because the DVR stopped recording “Orange is the New Black”, half of the channels are now in a language that nobody speaks, and somebody is declaring that they’ve had enough of your heartless cruelty and they are moving out. (Hmm. Maybe I should push that button again and further fine-tune the population around here.)

2. You get irritated when a photo you’re trying to save from the Internet takes longer than two seconds to download, completely forgetting that in 1995 you were completely thrilled if a racy photo of Brad Pitt downloaded in less than 10 minutes. (And that was for a black-and-white, grainy snapshot. If you lusted after a full-color, crisply-defined photo the download would take three days and eat up half your hard drive.)

3. You discover that you are no longer able to from a proper, complete sentence after having sent roughly 40,000 texts in the last three years. The saddest part? 39,997 of those texts were completely unnecessary and generally involved food that you shouldn’t have been eating in the first place.

4. The soothing Bluetooth voice in your fancy new car announces that you should lose 23.7 pounds for an optimum driving experience.

5. You get really upset that your wireless phone dropped yet another call because you were in that “black hole” part of your house, and you angrily stomp down the hall past the wired phone that works just fine. Truth be told, you’ve forgotten about that old-school landline contraption, gathering dust and pet hair as the aging plastic cracks. (When it rings once a year or so, people get confused and think the fire alarm is going off, racing out of the house clutching family photos, heirloom china and a jump drive with all their social media passwords.)

Most folks don’t really need that landline anymore. But since the name of that old-school phone company has changed five times recently, you don’t even know what that bill is for anymore, so you pay it just in case it’s an important one. (Remember that time you didn’t pay the bill from “Beaver Valley Home for the Decrepitly Rich and Happy” because you thought it was a mistake? And then Great Aunt Edna called you from the McDonald’s where she was forced to live for three days until things got resolved? And then Great Aunt Edna, still smelling like a Happy Meal, changed her will and your stupid cousin Bucky was now in line to get her family estate instead of you? Yeah, we don’t need to go there again.)

6. Your email address gets picked up by some murky syndicate and suddenly you are getting endless promises of everything from drive-thru breast implants to a miraculously-strong penis that can double as a carjack.

7. Your email inbox hasn’t been fully cleaned-out in over a decade. When you try to click on some of the decrepit messages way at the bottom of the list, your laptop shuts down and a military helicopter flies overhead.

8. You start to initiate a friend connection on one of your 23 social media sites and a pop-up displays, warning you that you drunkenly slept with this person 12 years ago but you’ve managed to block out the experience. Are you sure you wish to proceed?

9. You’re so used to something in your pocket playing an annoying tune and buzzing like an insistent wildebeest that you no longer pay attention and you miss half your calls. Tragically but inevitably, because your life reeks of suckage, the missed missives include one from Great Aunt Edna’s lawyer alerting you that Edna might bring you back into the money-filled lineage if you respond to said message within the hour. Sadly, you don’t hear of this development until 7 hours later, when the overloaded battery in your phone burns a hole in your pocket and drops to the floor, inadvertently kicking off your voicemails while the now-leaking battery acid sets afire your favorite throw rug. (Why can’t I have nice things? WHY?)

10. Your own computer suddenly announces that you are no longer an Administrator on this device. But for a small monthly fee, it will allow you to access some of the non-premium content. Click here to sign up for the Platinum Plan.

11. You hit a wrong button on the confusing security-alarm control panel you had installed at the house. (Why must there be 47 buttons? WHY? What happened to “on” and “off”?) Next thing you know, the dishwasher suddenly turns on, “Orange is the New Black” starts streaming on the ceiling in the den, you hear a fire truck approaching from the end of the street (is the rug still burning?), and a Jehovah’s Witness rings your doorbell, somehow getting to your house on a mere bicycle before the fire truck can, yet another example of governmental ineptitude.

12. Your techie friends laugh at the fact that you still buy physical CD’s in a physical music store. You choose not to mention that every time you do this, you somehow manage to get the one CD with that weird crack in the plastic that you swear wasn’t there when you picked it up. Is the Bluetooth woman in your car doing something to your purchases when you aren’t looking? Probably. Maybe it’s time that she found another place to be soothingly overbearing.

13. You have so many user names and passwords that you are forced to start a spreadsheet for all that mess. And you must include a column with your answer for the security questions, because you’re getting old and it’s no longer easy to remember the first car you owned or the town where you were born or your favorite teacher in that failed social experiment known as high school. Sadly, said spreadsheet was on the jump drive that Cousin Beulah was sweatily grasping as she raced outside during the false fire alarm that was really the unused phone burping to life for the first time since 1997. Hold up. Where is Cousin Beulah? Just how far did she run?

14. You start to join another website, and you are flummoxed when the unique “surely nobody is using THIS” user name you enter is already in use. What the hell? Who else would go by “@KDWbang!%”? Have I been to this website before and I just don’t remember? Are the breast-implant people stalking me? Is this the place where I pay the bill that I don’t understand might be for the phone that I don’t use? Why can’t we just go back to everybody communicating using Big Chief tablets and those really thick pencils designed for people who are dipping their first toe into the world of written language.

Perhaps the world would be a better place, taking a step back. Considerably more uninformed and naive, but then again, all the proven knowledge in the world is now at our carpal-tunnel fingertips, yet we still have absolute idiots running amuck and shooting ignorance out their asses. Which is the better deal, I ask with minimal sarcasm and maximal sadness?

15. You wake up in the middle of the night screaming “ACCESS DENIED!” and your bed partner sighs and heads to the guest bedroom for the rest of the night, frustrated once again and sending a furtive text to Great Aunt Edna that she made the right decision. This dog don’t hunt. Meanwhile, the Jehovah’s Witness is still on your front stoop, patiently waiting whilst counting the number of moths who fail in their mission to conquer the porch lightbulb. In the distance, Cousin Beulah is still running for parts unknown, jump drive still in possession, the world still an oyster, hope still somewhere…

 

Previously published. Considerably revised and updated for this post, as that original piece (and many of you will know exactly what I mean) was one of those where you open the saved file and think “did I really throw this out into the ether and think people would actually appreciate it?” We all have our clunkers, we all have our patches, and somewhere in the process we do our best to salvage it all…

 

Aunt Edna, answering the phone, already annoyed: “What is it?”

Cousin Beulah: “Eddie? This is Boo.”

Edna: “That means nothing to me. Make this more interesting immediately or I’m hanging up.”

Boo: “I’m Beulah, Amelia’s daughter.”

Edna: “And who the hell is Amelia?”

Beulah: “Your daughter. Well, one of seven. You sure popped ‘em out a lot, didn’t ya?”

Edna: “Oh, that Amelia. Okay, keep going, I’m listening.”

Beulah: “I have Cousin Brian’s jump drive.”

Edna: “That means nothing to me.”

Beulah: “It should mean that I now know all about what you did late December, 1963.”

Edna: “Oh. Well, how much money will it take for you to throw this jump drive thing off the Tallahassee Bridge?”

Beulah: “Wow, you move fast. I was gonna work up to that, but I guess I can toss aside this notecard.”

Edna: “I’m 97. There are only so many pages left in my day-planner. What’s your bank account number?”

Beulah: “Um, I’d have to look it up. That’s on another file and I don’t have the password with me. Can I call you back?”

Edna: “You have one hour.”

Click.

 

64 replies »

  1. I believe that Bluetooth stuff very much because I live in a country where my GP will bully me into remaining at a weight he likes. You can’t gain three kilograms in the course of a year without being sent for “human docking”. That’s a weekend wet lab where your body is turned inside out and tested. After which, you are forced to look at the insides of your brain and other organs, judged by nurses who say you you’re underweight, and then by your GP who tells you “don’t get fat.” If I lived in America, at least I could turn off the car.

    Liked by 4 people

    • Oh my, this is a very interesting journey toward a place I didn’t expect to go. Thank you for the vibrancy of this plot, although I do hope that I never get a gander at the inner workings of my brain, as I fear I will not recover from the vision.

      As for America, not only can you turn the truth car off, you can also depend on legions of medical “professionals” who couldn’t care less how much disorder there might be in your body as long as your insurance covers the cost of their ineptitude…

      Liked by 1 person

  2. 🙂 I had a good laugh when I saw number ten on your list.

    My computer will never tell me that I am not the Administrator of my computer and request that I pay a small monthly fee to view non-premium content.

    Why?

    Because I use Linux!

    Linux allows the user to do computing their way; thus avoiding unpleasant surprises with their computer.

    Liked by 3 people

    • How nice for you that you have such a good relationship with Linux.

      In America, the current Republican administration doesn’t believe in science or technology so they actively discourage the citizens from pursuing alternative forms of operating system allegiance… 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  3. No 5. I have to keep my landline because that’s how people who try to enter our condo building can contact us for permission to enter. But if we have an emergency and the fire dept needs to get in, they better bring their axes, pry bars and blow torches. It’s like a bank vault.

    No 13. Brian, I have been chasing passwords and user IDs for years. I truly hate them with a profound intensity. I’m convinced that this is what you get when you’ve been bad. It’s got to be some sort of karma. So if that’s the case, I must have been really bad somewhere back there …

    Liked by 2 people

    • We also keep a landline for a similar reason, in that our alarm system is tied into said line. Additionally, I like having that landline around for those days when, despite being smack in the middle of the huge DFW metroplex, there are plenty of days when the signal for our cellphones is lackluster or completely missing.

      Now, this ID thing. I’m also annoyed by the increasing complexity of establishing a password, as some sites are not happy unless your password is 30 characters long, contains at least 5 “special” characters, both uppercase and lowercase, no repetition of characters, and cannot even remotely look like any password you have used in the last decade, even though they keep insisting that you change the password every 3 days. Ugh. I admit that I have a questionable past, but I can’t conceive of anything I did that deserves this bullying…

      Liked by 1 person

  4. This was way too confronting. And hilarious!

    But really? 40.000 in three years? You’re a modest texter mister!
    I deleted my entire WhatsApp convo with the ex after breaking up after a year: 162.000 messages. So yeah. You’re very very modest! 🤪🤣

    Liked by 2 people

    • Oh, don’t be sorry about the sharing. We’re all friends here. Well, most of us. (Not naming names.) I just can’t help but wonder what I clicked on or what site I visited that triggered an algorithm that made somebody think I needed an anatomical intervention… 😉

      Liked by 1 person

    • I try to be tech savvy, I really do. (And it was my job for decades.) But I miss the days when the only mail you got was in your physical mailbox that you only checked once a day, if that, and you didn’t need a password for anything…

      Liked by 1 person

      • i do not even make an attempt at being tech savyy, i give you credit, and just try to fumble my way through each day. just picture me online teaching pre-k, luckily they are a pretty accepting audience. i did it last year from mar – june and only a matter of time before it begins again –

        Liked by 1 person

  5. I couldn’t help but laugh at number 6 as I’ve gotten a lot of those very same messages and always discarded them since I’m quite happy with what mother nature has given me – no improvement necessary!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Actually, you got me. There was nothing deliberate about it, which is really sad considering what I was trying to impart in that sentence. (It’s equally sad that this is the THIRD revision of this post and I never noticed.) But I’m leaving said typo in place, now that you’ve given me an out that makes me appear more clever than I really am… 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Aside from Edna and Beulah and Bluetooth in my car ( who needs that type of criticism?) you’ve described my life perfectly. The murky syndicate has just discovered my email and it’s been an eye opening experience let me tell you.
    😳

    Liked by 1 person

    • And the murky syndicate is apparently paying off the folks who run Gmail. The programmers will happily divert innocent emails from “Greenpeace” or “Amnesty International” into my spam folder without my knowledge. But they have no qualms about letting through rude emails proclaiming, in all caps, that something is amiss with the state of my spigot, replete with photos of wanton, full-frontal spokeswomen that I could fully satisfy if I would only take the right pills.

      No. Just, no. Delete. Block. Rinse and repeat.

      Liked by 1 person

  7. I knew I was in trouble when I tried to rewind the mailman and delete the grocery store clerk with my cell phone. She was rude! I think. The mask hid her face. I think she was smirking!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. That’s hilarious–just this morning Ken and I were upstairs and he said, “Is that the phone ringing?!” and I was like, “Huh. I think so” and he went to answer it but it was just one of those autobots. And we have three remote controls for each television and I’m the only one who knows how they work–cue evil laughing….

    Liked by 1 person

    • Ugh. That landline has been ringing off the wall for the past few months, with 99% of the calls involving the impending elections in some way. I suppose it’s because my voter registration has that landline as my primary contact, something I set up decades ago, and I could make the landline stop ringing if I updated said contact. But then those calls would be redirected to my cell phone, and since I actually pay attention when THAT thing rings, I would surely lose my mind.

      Side note: So, you’re one of those evil overlords of the remote controls? I will not forget this, should I ever have to make a decision about one remaining seat on a lifeboat, and you are one of three potential candidates standing on the deck of Titanic II, hoping for redemption. [Cue evil laughter.] 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  9. I’ve been a little lucky as far as modern technology. When I lived in Texas, I was given a microwave oven. The only time I used it was to cook a scorpion. ( funny story). I didn’t have cable television until after my nippers went off to college. Next come the cordless phone, complete with call waiting and an answering machine!
    Just this morning, I was getting this “remote battery low” notice on the tele. What?! I just changed them about two months ago. Trying to figure out how to dismiss the message…somehow I managed to suddenly have closed captioning. Did I dare delve into my withered brain and try to figure out how to get rid of it! UGH! Well, I finally did but still have the message about that power-stealing dementor. 🤬

    Like

    • First, I’m not letting you get away with not sharing more about the scorpion-zapping. There will be follow-up questions at some point.

      Second, I was working at GTE (former telephone company) when call-waiting was first being offered in Oklahoma. Most of the customers could not grasp the concept, convinced that it was somehow a temptation from Satan. True story.

      Third, never EVER trust a remote control. The very first time I pushed a button and it didn’t do what I thought it should do, I knew malfeasance was afoot… 😉

      Liked by 1 person

      • Well…have you ever tried to change the channel with your cell phone, or dial a number with the remote control? And I don’t consider myself to be particularly dim-witted. LOLOL
        Okay…I’ll do a quickie post about the scorpion.

        Liked by 1 person

  10. Uh, you mean to tell me that the rest of the world doesn’t rely heavily on a LANDLINE?! O_o Well I never did march to the beat of the everybody else’s drummer…. My cell phone (purchased in 2016, died in 2019) was okay. After it’s death though, the replacement was a pure D P.O.S., which I loathe and which caused actual increase of things like blood pressure numbers and the neighbors eyeing me oddly if they spotted me outside somewhere (prior to March 2020 of course. Who goes out NOW?). I HATE my cell phone and if it weren’t for my gimpy leg(s), I’d turn the god blasted thing off permanently. I need it though when untethered from the house phone, which is tethered and which I never answer either. All I seem to get on that landline are irate relatives who are grousing because I don’t answer the damned phone ‘more often’. I’ve never indulged in a blue tooth, there are fully enough voices in my head without adding some smug b*tch telling me what to do! Easiest way to avoid screaming due to modern technology? Don’t get any. But I will allow that I’m an archaic old fossil and tetchy on a high level. I’ve felt a lot better since the banishment of the cell phone too.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I do hear ya, Sister. Everything is just so BUSY now, with all this technology. I actually pine for the days when nobody could reach out and touch you for days on end, and everybody was fine with that. Now? I can’t go an hour without multiple people trying to touch me in a variety of digital manners. It’s just too much. No wonder half the planet is on anxiety medication, and the other half probably should be.

      Granted, some the of technology I do like. (Google Maps is a delicious thing to have on my phone, helping get where I need to go with minimal fuss and maximal timeliness.) But still, I want a quieter way of life. And a more private one… 😉

      Like

    • Just think of all the time we could save if we didn’t spend so much of that time checking emails that don’t interest or involve me in any manner. I miss the pre-digital era.

      Of course, on the flip side, I do rather relish blogging, which allows me to meet lovely people like you…

      Liked by 1 person

  11. Isn’t life just wunnerfull since we plucked the infomational Apple? We ditched the landline after only getting survey-lenced calls for a solid month. No more ‘two minutes of your time?’ when the natural rhythms of life dictates that at 7AM you DON’T have time to stand and talk for two minutes.
    Now, any lurking Jehovahs Witlesses? Turn on your Berlin Wall Model 20 million candlepower security lights and sing ‘Closer My God To Thee’ followed by the chorus of ‘Psycho Killer.’ And, miraculously, an empty porch.. . Truly, technology works in mysterious ways.
    Oh, and December 63? Tallahassee bridge? Really channeling the sixties child there!

    Liked by 1 person

    • I think we would make splendid neighbors, as we strive to avoid the very same things, with the added supplement that we both have an affinity for creativity in our diversionary endeavors, despite the lack of creativity-acknowledgement by the very people we are diverting. So many people, so few brain cells.

      But I must thank you for appreciating the sixties-child references. I just can’t quit the trivial references… 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  12. My electric personality doesn’t play well with technology. I avoid it!
    My bluetooth doesn’t talk… interesting. I wonder if I offended it and need to offer an apology?
    And the email… apparently I have erectile disfunction, need to be on the keto diet to lose those unwanted pounds, and use CBD oil. All news to me since my penis works fine, I’m underweight, and I have a jar of CBD cream gifted by Younger who works in a dispensary. Oh, and I almost forgot that I’m locked out of my bank accounts at every well know bank… and I didn’t even know I had any other accounts.

    Feeling nostalgic about untangling the the long, curly phone cord…

    Liked by 1 person

    • Apparently we are getting the exact same unsolicited emails. Maybe the focus groups are indicating that advertisers should reach out to empaths? Not sure…

      I’m curious about the CBD cream. I have several friends who adore all things CBD, but I’ve only dabbled a bit and not seen/felt any real results, most likely because I haven’t really researched what might benefit me…

      And the long and curly phone cord? Brings back a lot of memories. Perhaps a nostalgic blog post is in order…

      Liked by 1 person

      • Younger Daughter gave me the cream for my psoriasis. It works like any other cream.🤷🏼‍♀️
        First, Younger works in the cannabis industry and swears by it. I let her smoke when she was 14 or 15 and her anxiety made her drop out of school. Better than chemicals IMO. Especially at that age, and her father was/is an addict. Anyway, she’s one of those people who can function when they’re high.

        Second, a book I read by Dr Bonni Goldstein shows that CBD by itself doesn’t do much. You need a certain percentage if THC to *activate* it. It can be a small percentage, you wont feel “high”.

        Third cannabis doesn’t help my pain. It *does* relax me, but it makes me stupid. I’m a total lightweight. Even when I was a daily user, I was a lightweight. So as a medicine, it doesn’t work well for me. It works great for a lot of people and it should be legal everywhere. Dr Goldstein shows the receptors all over the body.

        Anyway… if you’re interested I can give you ALL the info. If not, then that’s cool too.😉
        To go along with the phone cord… remember “at the tone the time will be – eleven eleven and ten seconds… BEEP!”😂

        Liked by 1 person

        • Oh, I would certainly appreciate anything further you might have to share concerning CBD. And just as certainly, I’m not someone who is bothered by THC content. I’ve done my fair share of recreational enhancement, though much more so in the past. On the flip side, I have to be very careful with any substance I introduce into my body, as my anxiety is so high that the oddest thing can trigger a lot of not-good, which is why I’ve been very leery of exploring CBD. Still, I’d like to learn more. If you’d like to take this offline, my email is my last name at gmail.com.

          And yes, I remember “eleven eleven and ten seconds”. If my memory serves, there’s an old-school OMD song which captures that weirdness perfectly. I’ll have to dig into my CDs and figure out the title…

          Liked by 1 person

  13. 13th one really hit hard.
    I’ve got so many usernames and passwords of various platform that my 15 min of everyday are devoted to reset 3 or 4 of them.
    Though I’ve restricted myself from useless tech yet, some situations make me question myself – should i have them?

    Liked by 2 people

    • The password thing is crazy, especially the resetting. I try to follow suggestions and keep every password unique, but when I have to keep changing them all the time, I start to run out of ideas. And if you get TOO creative with the new passwords, you’re not going to remember them. Sigh.

      And yes, some of the new tech sounds interesting, but I have to balance that with wondering how annoying it will be to keep coming up with a new password… 😉

      Liked by 2 people

  14. I noticed the typo in #3 also, but just like Clive above, thought it was deliberate. This guess that shows how much faith we have in you!

    Also, my emails number in the several thousands as well. Once upon a time, I was a great believer in the zero-inbox faith, but I have since become an agnostic. One can never fully delete their emails nor keep them organized, so it is best to live in a delightful state of ambiguity and clutter.
    It is the way.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for your faith. Sometimes I’m mildly worthy of such, sometimes I’m not.

      The email thing makes me very unstable. I guess it’s a leftover from my Verizon days, when any single email could be critically important. I don’t like unread items in my inbox. Yet I can rarely clean the slate, what with the constant influx. But you’re right. End of day? If an email is THAT imperative, somebody should call me. Of course, I can’t keep my voicemail inbox clean either, so…

      Liked by 1 person

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