Past Imperfect

Past Imperfect – #326

Mae: “What do you mean you don’t know what to do?”

Buck: “Your foot is stuck in the drain. Why did you call me? I sell ice cream. Did you get hungry while you were waiting for someone else to get here who can actually help you?”

Mae: “You’re a man, for God’s sake. Do something.”

Buck: “You got a chainsaw? A little dab’ll do ya.”

Mae: “Very funny. Look, if you help me out, I’ll make it worth your while. I can show you a good time. I got moves.”

Buck: “Like the move you made climbing up on that dainty stool and shoving your foot where it doesn’t belong? That’s attractive.”

Mae: “Come on, give a girl a break. I gotta get back to the diner and sling some more hash.”

Buck: “Well, maybe we could loosen it up somehow. You got any bacon grease?”

Mae: “Whaddya want that for?”

Buck: “It’ll help things slide in and out easier.”

Mae: “And I’m all about easy.”

Buck: “And if I do it just right, it won’t hurt at all. You might even like it.”

Mae: “Oh. And if we move it up and down enough times it’ll pop like a cork.”

Director: “And… Cut!”

Mae: “Thank God. I still don’t understand the dialogue in that scene.”

Director: “You guys just had sex.”

Buck: “We did?”

Director: “Yeah. But we can’t show it. This is just how we get past the censors. It’s 1931. Most of the idiots in America still pretend that sex doesn’t really happen despite the unending stream of babies shooting out of hoo-hoos across America.”

Mae: “That’s a rather graphic image.”

Director: “And we can’t film that either. With this wretched Production Code, it’s all about innuendo instead of integrity and wordplay instead of foreplay.”

Buck: “How absurd.”

Director: “Like your outfit?”

Buck: “You hired the costume designer. And it’s interesting how he has the last name as you.”

Director: “Don’t be making fun of my cousin Ernesto. He had some issues growing up on the farm in Kansas. After the mad cow got loose that one time he was never the same.”

Mae: “Excuse me, I don’t mean to be a stick, but we need to finish this movie, and all this pointless gibbering is getting on my nerves, and the writer is annoyed as well.”

Buck: “We have a writer?”

Director: “News to me. Somebody actually wrote this mess?”

Mae: “We sure do. He’s right over there. Sitting in front of that laptop that smells like unfocused failure.”

Three sets of eyes turned toward me.

I ignored them and kept typing, desperately hoping to find a most-likely pitiful way to end this scene.

Suddenly, a mad cow that smelled like unfocused Kansas ran across the set, mooing rudely and kicking over a clever planter of begonias, with Eleanor Roosevelt riding astride his back, waving a banner that read “Contraception Will Save Us All!”.

That was good enough for me.



Completely extraneous footnote that will test the patience of even the most dedicated readers who faithfully read these footnotes: Recently, I have been culling through the archives, trying to figure out how many of the Past Imperfects on my long-neglected “Crusty Pie” site were never shared here at Bonnywood Manor. There are roughly 600 Imperfects on Crusty, and even though I am only at Number 327 in my review, I’ve already found 64 tawdry tales that didn’t make the jump, which means there are other neglected meanderings hiding in the bushes. This is my first effort at rectifying the backlog. Brace yourselves for more archaeological digs.


(Sorry about the begonias. These things happen.)


25 replies »

  1. Buck? O_o At least that cow (planning to sue, based on being profiled as “mad”) didn’t try leaping over the moon. Now that was a disaster waiting to happen. And I’m eternally grateful that you explain who the faded stars of your lustrous tales ARE (except for Buck. He must be forgettable. Eternally). I saw “Mae” and wondered why Mae WEST had her leg in a sink, and what happened to her most memorable ‘asset’. You explained deftly that the actress is someone named “Mae CLARK(e?)” and all was tickety-boo once more. Three cheers for the writer! Side note: Those censors in 1931 were asleep on the job. ANYONE (even a six year old who should not be reading “Past Imperfects” or “Crusty Pies” because they’re rated a tough PG-13 (or NR-17) could realize that things deemed ‘wooden” and “slippery” and the application of lubricant means something racy is going on. But perhaps that’s only in minds who tend to wend down the gutter time to time.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I just receive a “cease and desist” order from the cow’s lawyer. Said cow is not impressed with the bovine profiling.

      I failed a bit with the tags this time, as I couldn’t figure out the male actor, despite considerable googling. As for Mae Clarke, she was hugely popular for a while (she’s the one who gets the grapefruit in the face in that Cagney movie) and made a ton of movies. She’s also been in a ton of Past Imperfects, not too far behind Joan Crawford, Bette Davis, Myrna Loy and Clara Bow, my usual go-tos.

      As for the audience not understanding what was truly going on, the folks in America at this time soon elected Herbert Hoover, whose inept bungling was one of the factors that led to the Great Depression. So yeah, a few things got by them… 😉


    • Well, never having given birth myself, I perhaps shouldn’t have been so exuberant in my description. But one would think that after the tenth kid or so, which was not an uncommon quota during this time, we’ve probably moved into the express lane…

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Mae went to the big city and got her foot stuck in a teeny tiny sink? Make no wonder you have unfocused cows. Focussed cows would have procured a) a bigger sink, or b) a smaller foot. On the other hand, focussed cows would probably just be focussed on grass. Or on the Diaper Don Twitter trend.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. The fact she used a step stool to put her foot in the sink, that takes a level of determination. Insanity too, but also determination. You gotta admire that. Shame about the begonias though.

    PS: I too am all agog about your meanderings. *twitterpated*

    Liked by 1 person

    • Another sign of admirable determination and possible insanity? The guy in the Good Humor Man outfit. That’s some gumption, right there.

      I understand that the begonias have been seeing a therapist. I hope it works out for them.

      Fair disclaimer: In reviewing the 64 ignored Past Imperfects, it’s become clear that most of them were neglected for a reason. I’ll see what I can do…

      Liked by 1 person

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