Hope

Soul Dancing: A Big Pile of Smart-Ass Predictions for 2021 That Probably Won’t Come True but I Can Still Dream About Them in My Fortress of Solitude

By on • ( 66 Comments )

Note: This list is actually from two years ago, but the song remains the same, for the most part…

1. Car manufacturers will finally develop a special button for your dashboard which, when pushed, will cause the car in front of you at the drive-thru ATM, wherein the occupant is taking forever to make a simple transaction, to be hurled into the blazing hell of the sun.

2. Said manufacturers will also develop a secondary button, one that can be pushed if you happen to be the twit who can’t grasp modern technology or science, sending a message to Fox News that they should defend your idiocy no matter how much you lie and thus preventing your otherwise-deserved immolation. These dual buttons will basically exemplify current American politics. (Future Historian: “And in the year 2019, 2020, 2021it all came down to button-pushing and scare tactics and threats of deportation, the three pillars of the once-great Republican Party. Abraham Lincoln had to block them on social media.”)

3. Gum-smacking in public will finally be recognized as a war crime by the United Nations General Assembly.

4. Restaurant owners will be fined if the entrée they slap on your table does not match the picture on the menu. The fine will double if said entrée has clearly been kept under a warming light since the War of 1812. (Dolly Madison: “OMG, the White House is on fire! Whatever can I save? Hey, why don’t I grab that unfinished portrait of George Washington and run like I’ve got crabs in me knickers.”)

5. Someone will finally figure out that maybe you shouldn’t let just anybody into the White House. (Security Guard: “What was your name again?” Man: “Kanye West.” Security Guard: “Nope, we’re not doing that again.” Kanye: “But I love Donald Trump!” Security Guard: “And that’s the reason why.”)

6. The morally-waffling staff at Twitter will finally realize that what Donald Trump is doing with his account is not acceptable and shut it down. It’s one thing to be a sociopath living in your parents’ basement and spewing provably-false crap. It’s another thing to be the supposed leader of a nation and doing the same.

7. Mark Zuckerberg, the supposed founder of Facebook, will finally be found guilty of being an arrogant snot who sold his soul to the Russians. Along with the personal information of 55 billion users. (“It is up to the user to go find the special setting that we have hidden on a secret page the user can’t find because it doesn’t exist. And even if they do find it, we’re going to do what I want anyway. Because nobody puts Baby Zuckerberg in a corner.”)

8. Is it too soon to mention Donald Trump again? (After all, he mentions his own name every three seconds, especially when he’s pleasuring himself at night.)

9. There will actually be a surprise winner at the Academy Awards. (“And the Oscar goes to… who the hell is that?”)

10. One of the major TV networks will finally allow a quirky but intelligent series to last longer than three episodes. (My heart will go on loving you, “Pushing Daisies”. I will not let go. Love, Jack.)

11. A blockbuster movie will finally be released that doesn’t involve explosions, violent deaths, or a busy soundtrack that tries to obscure the fact that we’ve seen it all before.

12. A brave executive at one of the mega-huge music corporations will finally stand up and say “Hey, maybe we should stop using the Xerox machine to produce new artists.”

13. Someone will win on “The Voice” who isn’t a white, teenage female with 0.0002 body fat. And the billions of unfocused teens who vote for such an exclusionary ideal, with the intensity of woodpeckers on crack, will understand that sometimes you should vote for what you can’t see in the mirror rather than what you can.

14. I will finally release my own album, covering emotional songs from the 70s and 80s that helped me grow spiritually. Think Janis Ian singing “Seventeen”. If you don’t know who that is, well, all the more reason you should buy my album. But you’d better hurry, because I’ll only be on the charts for roughly 13 seconds. (News reporter: “In breaking news, it appears that an unknown artist from Oak Cliff, Texas has just….whoops, never mind. Back to you at the anchor desk, Fred.”)

15. There will come a day when people will understand that just because you didn’t do everything they expected you to do, it doesn’t mean that you couldn’t. Life intervenes, and you just hope you get a second chance, and maybe a third.

16. Gas pump prices will stop showing that ridiculous “X.X9” value for a gallon of gas. 2.99 is three dollars, not two dollars. Who are you trying to fool? That car in front of me that can’t figure out that this isn’t an ATM? (“Why are there so many buttons?”)

17. Digital book publishers will stop charging outrageous prices for something that doesn’t cost them anything to distribute. It’s digital. It’s not like minions are sewing bindings in a slave camp in Guatemala. If you expect me to pay 25 bucks, I want something physical I can put on a shelf and never read, not something ephemeral on a tablet that I will never read. (Mega-Selling Author: “You have no idea what it takes to write a book.” Me: “Oh really?”)

18. Brian will finally learn to stop being bitchy about things that are not really that important.

19. Put no faith in the above entry. After all, this is Bonnywood. (Little Brian: “Momma, someday I want to write stories.” Momma: “That sounds swell. Just don’t be bitchy about it.” Little Brian: “Okay.”)

20. News reporters will stop using the phrase “admitted homosexual” and utilize a more pleasant term, like “happy camper” or “rainbow enthusiast”. This is 2021. The only people who are still afraid of homosexuals and lesbians are people who are still in the closet, like Mike Pence and Jeff Sessions, who have done everything they can to stop people from loving who they want to love. Luckily, one of them is already out of a job. Let’s hope his former boss will soon be.

21. Brian will finally stop reposting older posts.

22. Put no faith in the above entry. After all, those who forget the past are doomed to re-post it. (Medium Brian: “Momma, I was thinking of re-sharing that post when I was Little Brian where I did something amazingly stupid.” Momma: “That sounds swell. Just don’t post it more than twice.” Medium Brian: “Okay.”)

23. Somebody will invent a fat-free salad dressing that actually tastes good.

24. Ditto, mayo.

25. I will finally get revenge for those times in my youth when the popular people made me feel small because I was different. Concurrently, I will also realize that revenge is a cold dish best left unserved. This doesn’t mean I have forgiven you. It means you aren’t worth the time I would have to spend in the kitchen to cook the dish.

26. I will sing a song of great beauty and insight, one that eases the loneliness that I have felt for so long, even though I know that the only person in the audience who fully understands what I am singing is me. Write this one down, folks. It’s perhaps the rawest moment you will ever get from me.

27. I insist on dreaming in color. I’m a happy camper, despite the misdirection I sometimes proffer to the contrary.

28. Right at this moment, as I type away in the early hours, it’s raining in Dallas. A cold, hard, winter rain. I suppose I could latch onto that development, an accessory for my admittedly melancholy mood. I didn’t plan to get to this point when I started this mess, but things develop and you follow the muse, which is how I write most of my stories. I never know where I’m going until I get there, which, really, is how most of us navigate this thing we call Life.

29. But I don’t want to end on the downswing, not for this piece. I want joy, I crave understanding, I yearn for the critical moment in our world when everything clicks and everybody breaks the shackles of prejudice and nobody hates and we simply accept one another for the warmth we have to offer. And when that moment happens, those of us who can sing, and those of us can’t, will join hands and record an album we will simply call…

30. Peace.

 

Best of everything to you and yours in 2019 2020 2021 forever. You may say I’m a dreamer…

 

Previously published, tweaked a smidge here and there. And for the record, as I prep this re-post, it’s raining cold in Dallas, same as two years ago. Time slips..

 

Big Brian: “Momma, I hope you’re proud of the stories I’ve written.”

Momma: “They sound swell. But don’t get too uppity. Nobody likes a button-pusher.”

Big Brian: “Okay.”

 

Categories: Hope

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66 replies »

  2. Welcome in, you brand new year, you – if only it could’ve arrived sooner, the last one has been a lingering complete sick bastard of a year.
    11/ Seen it all before 12/ Heard it all before, and it was better first time around. 13/ Votes are wasted on the still young and unseasoned.
    Last word for this year; The optimist in me hopes for a better year than this sad sick 2020 vision. The pessimist will say (on the) First- we better really hope ,.. because look at last year. But I’ll strain to remain positive. Hey, I can but hope.

    Liked by 2 people

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    • We’re basically on the same page, here. I do hope for the best. But we have to depend on people to do the right thing, and if 2020 taught us anything, it’s that many of those people are self-indulgent wankers…

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    • I’m rather fond of my #18 aspect as well. It colors my world. I’ll pass your salutations on to Momma, but I’m sure her first question will be “who is this Quiall person and why haven’t you properly introduced us?” And so it goes…

      Liked by 1 person

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  11. Funny how you despise Trump so much you actually voted for a sexual pervert, accused rapist who us actually guilty of committing high crimes and misdemeanors while serving as Obama’s vp.

    Liked by 1 person

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    • Here’s the deal, David: When I run across a post on your own blog that I don’t agree with, I simply don’t click “like” and move on, because your blog is YOUR playground. I certainly don’t consider adding a comment that is complete BS and can easily be dismissed as unproven. I’m sure some followers of this blog (which is MY playground) would expect me to just delete your ridiculous comment and then block you. And I probably should. But I’d rather leave this thread up so that everyone can see you for what you are and therefore make an informed decision about the worthiness of following you…

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      • Brian I grew up being abused by those who got away with it by lying. And as an adult I had to deal with a lot of toxic individuals who caused me a lot of problems and then lied themselves out of trouble.

        As a result the one type of person I absolutely hate is a liar – especially those who lie to get others in trouble and those who lie regarding politics and religion.

        I’m at the point in my life where I simply will not tolerate anyone who deliberatele lies.

        Especially those on both the left and the right.

        Take care.

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  13. Uh, I know you embrace FREEDOM, non-judgment and tolerance towards the dimmest witted, but could you ask Mr. Green to shut his pie hole? He’s seriously harshing my buzz. Dammit. There I go breaking my very newly born effort of minding my own business.

    Now to your EXCELLENT post:

    #8 was vile. I’ll never get that image out of my head now. I suppose I shouldn’t be so shocked (and I’m not , really) because who else would touch that diseased erm koff THING without being clad in a fully body haz mat suit and a ten foot pole. The pole isn’t pleased, in case you wondered. Talk about awkward situations.

    Aw. Thanks Green. You f*cked up what could have been a great comment. But at least you helped me keep it short. Now go find a rock and crawl back under there. Dipshit. 😡

    Liked by 3 people

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    • I did respond to Mr. Green… we’ll see where it goes…

      #8 certainly should have come with a “brace yourself” disclaimer. Some images can never be erased, and it would have been better to give folks an option of avoiding said imagery. On the flip side, it’s also true that we wouldn’t be in such a mess, politically, if critical people HADN’T ignored or avoided Trump’s actions for so many years.

      I trust that you will be back in peak comment form within mere seconds…

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      • That is being two faced, willfully ignorant and outright dishonest.

        And for the record I have no problem with Brian’s sexual orientation; yet I will not tolerate anyone who holds one individual to a higher moral standard while giving another one just as guilty if not more so.

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        • A pass and I absolutely hate those who deliberately lie with those who repeat lies.

          Hence the Left has lost all credibility and moral authority in my eyes.

          Indeed the left is no better than the right and believe me if I had the power to do so I would execute everyone on both the left and the right.

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    • The problem Melanie is that you cannot condemn Trump then turn around and support Biden who is actually guilty of everything Trump had been accused of.

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      • I doubt you’ll ever see this Mr. Green, but who said I supported Biden? I don’t admire that guy in the slightest, but he’s slightly better (even if he is all you say) than Trump. Trump has proven (over and over and over) that if the private life stuff is fodder for mud slinging and slights, then Trump has more than ample examples of how slimy and unfit he is. For myself? Because I’m female, automatically makes Trump my sworn enemy. Plus he’s a fascist. Deny that.

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  14. Most are impossible to achieve, especially #23, but admire your idealistic mind all the same. Don’t know what’s ditto mayo. Some tasty food? #25 is especially true. I’ve never been able to revenge on anybody about anything, even if I’ve rehearsed my revenge 100 times in my mind in every possible way. Only once, I took action. One day in primary school, I went to this girl’s place to tell her what I felt about her. She’s not at home. Her father opened the door and shooed me away as if I were an insect. I ended up feeling very sorry for her. Dealing with such a father every day, no wonder she’s half mad.

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    • “Ditto” is a short-hand way of saying “what I just said also applies to this other thing”. I have yet to find a fat-free mayonnaise that doesn’t taste like chemical paste.

      And yes, #25 is a tricky thing. I realize that I should just move on, but a part of me still wants to seek revenge on the folks who were wretched to me, even knowing that doing so will most likely not resolve anything. It’s also fair to say that, if I hadn’t been subjected to some of the unfortunate situations in my youth, I might not have developed the sense of compassion that I now have, or at least think I have. Everything is relative…

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  15. “revenge is a cold dish best left unserved”

    I shall treasure that forever.

    “the popular people made me feel small because I was different”

    Me too. And when they said it was small. And funny looking.

    “I yearn for the critical moment in our world when everything clicks and everybody breaks the shackles of prejudice and nobody hates and we simply accept one another for the warmth we have to offer.”

    Me too. And paragraph breaks. I yearn for paragraph breaks.

    Liked by 2 people

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    • Wait, did you turn that last one on me?

      Well, I suppose that’s more than fair. I have a tendency to run my sentences way past an acceptable finish line, eschewing basic grammar and embracing the messiness of stream-of-consciousness thought. Somewhere, my eighth-grade English teacher quietly weeps.

      Of course, you may not have been talking about me with your last line, which means I simply MADE it all about myself, another annoying habit I need to work on breaking… 😉

      Liked by 1 person

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  16. You’re not the only one… I too Imagine.

    Great list. I know how it goes when you start off in one direction and then you get lost and find yourself.

    Happy New Year! My Eternal Optimist has had the floor all day, the pragmatic voice has been silent, but shaking their head, while the cynic is yammering about how things aren’t gonna change because we got a cool new calendar with pictures of redwood trees cuz we donated some money…

    It gets very noisy in my head, but the Optimist has the floor… ✌🌈🕊✨🥂🍻🎶🤗🥰💃🏼🎊💖

    Liked by 2 people

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    • Happy (Belated) New Year to you as well!

      Partner and I had a very sedate NYE. (In fact, we ended up watching several “Bob’s Burgers” episodes just so his giggling could keep him awake until midnight.) I spent the weekend doing some serious reflecting and considering some significant changes that I need to make, mostly inspired by my own Eternal Optimist. Fingers crossed…

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  17. Bri – Happy New Year to you, Partner, and all creatures great and small in your household. I pray that 2020 will fade into the fogs of time, never to be heard from again. And although we are still going to need to be extra careful and vigilant for some time, there is a light at the end of the tunnel for 2021. Maybe we can finally get together – there is serious mayhem awaiting our participation. Love and hugs, dear! 🌺

    Liked by 2 people

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    • It’s always good to hear from you, and I hope you’re doing well. 2020 was so mind-numbing that surely this next year is going to be better, although I suspect Partner and I will be even more vigilant for the next few months. I don’t want to get this close to a vaccination and yet somehow manage to trip up before something gets shoved in my arm.

      But once we’re all in the clear, or relatively so, our asses will be traveling hither and yon. We’ve been mostly cooped up for far too long.

      Big hug and a chaste smooch back at ya!

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  20. “There will come a day when people will understand that just because you didn’t do everything they expected you to do, it doesn’t mean that you couldn’t. Life intervenes, and you just hope you get a second chance, and maybe a third”

    It’s all about that as I navigate 20-somethings in the family.

    Happy new year to you and yours Brian. Thank you for 2020 and the laughs, tears and challenges. 2021 will be an interesting ride in a car with buttons to push. Happy New Year to you, Partner and the assortment of characters.

    Liked by 3 people

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    • To be fair, I’m probably on my fourth or fifth chance with some things, and I’ll probably need even a few more shots to get things right. If I do, terrific. If I don’t, well, that’s fine, too. As long as we all keep trying…

      Hopeful wishes to you as well. It’s been great getting to know you!

      Liked by 1 person

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  21. Really looking forward to your album and I’m expecting it to be a vinyl — with Joni Mitchell doing the artwork. (A woman can dream, can’t she?)

    Also, I’ve seen some interesting comments on your blog before, but from whence did you find Mr. Green? Please inform us so we’ll know how to avoid him. 😉

    Liked by 2 people

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    • I’m sure Joni will be happy to contribute the artwork. I was just chatting with her the other day concerning her participation, and she seemed receptive to the idea, but she also seemed distracted by something or other involving a parking lot. She did say to tell you hi…

      I’m not sure how Mr. Green stumbled upon Bonnywood. I only know that he found me, not the other way around. What’s interesting is that he has some poetry on his blog that I’ve enjoyed reading. But I also noticed him throwing out some pieces where we did not agree at all, and I had a growing sense that our connection was tenuous and could potentially go south. It looks like that just happened, but we’ll see…

      Liked by 1 person

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  24. I got behind on my blog reading (maybe you should stop re-posting so we don’t have so much to read), and just got to this today. I can’t believe that 5 and 6 were written over a week ago. Reread them today after watching the news.

    Liked by 1 person

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    • Right? It would be SO refreshing to tune in on Oscar Night and have NO idea who might win what.

      On a related note: I think increasing the Best Picture contenders to 10 or 20 or whatever it is now was a mistake. The vote-splitting among the better productions leads to not-so-greats pulling ahead. Just me?

      And I live for the day when fat-free dressing is actually satisfying. It could change my life… 😉

      Liked by 1 person

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