Humor

Exhibit 23 in the Trial of “The People vs. The Possibility That Brian Is a Smart-Ass”

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Another one from the archives…

And so it was, this past Saturday evening, that a situation developed.

My partner had plans to depart our domicile to meet up with a certain circle of friends that he has. Someone in said group was having a milestone birthday or had just given birth or had managed to locate the Ark of the Covenant, something that required a celebration of sorts. (To be fair, I knew exactly why he was joining this shindig, but I now choose to feign muddled confusion in order to gain sympathy from the jury, as I was not particularly impressed with a certain aspect of his decision to embark on this voyage.)

The issue? He had invited two of his siblings to spend the weekend at our house, and they were now in residence and fully expecting to be entertained in a lavish manner, which is the normal expectation guests should have at Bonnywood Manor. Upping the ante a bit more, Partner had also invited a mutual friend to drop by for the evening, despite the fact that he was going to be AWOL during a critical segment of the festivities.

“Don’t worry,” said Partner, as he stood in front of our bathroom mirror, spritzing himself with cologne and adjusting his hair follicles in an admirable and satisfying manner. “I’ll just make an appearance and then flee at the earliest opportunity.”

I knew this was a lie.

To be fair, part two, the folks with whom he would be meeting are a lovely bunch, intelligent and witty and wise, with guaranteed moments of hilarity and a joie de vivre that is rare. Which is exactly why I knew he would tarry a bit on his return flight. I couldn’t really blame him, but I already did, because that’s how relationships work.

Partner parted.

I did not, left as I was to deal with the Siblings and the Mutual. To be fair, part three, I had a lovely time with the S & M, sitting on the back patio as we did, swilling fortifying beverages and discussing a wide range of topics from religion to hypocrisy to politics to reincarnation to the basic fact that we all want to do the right thing and be loved, but we sometimes aren’t quite sure how to get there. And we also barbecued and concocted side dishes and whipped up dips, prepping a delightful repast for the Four of Us Who Had Been Left Behind.

Post meal, a bit of naughtiness and slight revenge ensued.

Partner had been gone for hours at this point, as I had sagely predicted. Surely I must make a dramatic statement of some kind, even if it was pointless and did not have any impact on society whatsoever.

To be fair, part four, the Siblings did not participate, engaged as they were in a discussion about something that I didn’t really care about. The Mutual Friend? She was ON it, enthusiastically following my lead and providing artistic direction on the matter at hand.

We prepared a plate of leftovers for Partner, showing our love and support for his complete abandonment, proffering sustenance that would reenergize him after the long drive home from The People Who Were Apparently More Important Than Us.

And herewith is a snapshot of our devotion:

 

 

Surely the jury won’t convict me of smart-assedry. How could they?

Peace.

 

Previously published, minimally revised. Since that prior post resulted in a considerable amount of discussion concerning just WHAT is on that plate, I shall shed some light. Starting in the upper right corner: This is pea salad, with two of the peas intent on freedom. Lower right, a thin slice of smoked sausage. (At least I think so. It’s been over two years, folks. A slice of smoked something.) Lower left, an ancient toothbrush part of a broccoli floret. Upper left, a smidge of the chocolate dessert we had, and not, as an alarming number of commenters thought, evidence of… recycling, let’s just say. I don’t know where some of the Bonnywood guests get their warped ideas.

Surely not from me, right? Surely not.

(And don’t call me Shirley. Unless you’re paying for the drinks. Then you can call me whatever you want.)

Cheers.

 

Categories: Humor

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47 replies »

    • I’m 97% certain it was poodini-free. I can’t recall exactly what we had for dessert, but it WAS dessert… 😉

      Disclaimer to PETA: I feel compelled to state that no poodles were harmed in the filming of this production…

      Liked by 1 person

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  5. The only amazing part of this is that siblings were NOT all over the chance to contribute to the offering. I’m thinking they were actually imposters who sneaked in to partake of bbq and liberal libations.

    Liked by 2 people

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    • The Sibs have already had over half a century to torture their youngest brother, so they’re over it. Mutual and I have only had twenty years, so it’s still fresh and exciting to us… 😉

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  12. O_o Uh,…okay. Is it wrong of me to admire your effort? Because were it me in YOUR shoes, and deceased hubby in your Partner’s; he’d have gotten an icy stare when he got home, and bupkiss to eat. Maybe, if I were feeling up to it, a sketch of the kitchen and directions to the fridge if he whined that he was ‘hungry’. Yeah. Some of us ‘do’ solid loving relationships and some of us had this passive aggressive mess we called relationships.

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    • Thank you. Balanced retribution is a fine art, so I’m quite pleased with your admiration. And I’m stealing your “sketch of the kitchen” strategy, as I’m sure such a maneuver will come in handy at some point…

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  16. NOT-GUILTY! If you’d added an artfully shaved piece of carrot and a sprig of parsley, you could’ve charged $200 for that fine meal.😂😂
    I find not guilty for pure wit. I almost choked on my coffee with the beautiful simplicity of “Partner parted.”

    I also can’t believe the sibs didn’t join. Did Partner grow up in a loving, functional home or something?? Sheesh!

    Thanks for for the giggles… I won’t hold you responsible for my near-choking incident. I know better than to sip while reading.🤦🏼‍♀️💕💕

    Liked by 1 person

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    • Thank you for your clemency, as it is truly appreciated. I always knew I could depend on you.

      Partner grew up in a more functional home than I did, but his sibs are not exactly angels. They’ll try to ding ya when they can.

      Sorry about the choking. These things happen at Bonnywood.

      Can I list you as a reference on my application to Pierre La Pierre’s Fancy Culinary Institute?

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  17. Once, and only once, we went to a French Restaurant and I ordered quail. The dish looked like the picture you have there. All I saw was an empty plate sparsely dotted by a speck of vegetable, a little dark protrusion of a smallest possible chicken like object half the size of my palm, and a side entry of dubious color of unknown substance. I realized that one has to eat first before going to a French restaurant. I think this dish is fitting for your partner. And give it to him only when he says “yes” to your inquiry, “are you hungry after the long drive?”

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    • I do like French food, but you’re right in that you should probably have a snack before you go to the fancier restaurants. If I’m going to pay good money, I want some substance on my plate. I’d rather eat at the small bistros in Paris than the fancy dining palaces. More food, less attitude. 😉

      Now that I think about it, I’m not sure that I’ve ever tried quail. I might have to check that out…

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  19. Bwahahahaha! I must have had a senior moment. I clearly understood the “siblings and the mutual,” but on the next line where you talked about “S & M,” well…I thought, whoa! Is he talking about that smut and masturbation thing? (or whatever that stands for). I never can remember and if I google it, I’m afraid I’ll start getting offers.
    The plate of leftovers is hilarious. I once left a plate for the ex. He was supposed to be at home for dinner…never was…bars and other women much more appealing…anyway, I left a nice note, “darling, your dinner is wrapped up in the fridge.” I guess he looked. The plate was in the sink the next morning. Funny. I didn’t get a thank-you note.
    The plate was empty. LOLOL

    Liked by 1 person

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    • I knew you would pick up on the subtle “S & M” reference, even though nothing of that sort was going on. But you are wise to refrain from googling. There are some messed-up people out there…

      And your empty plate in the fridge is clever. I can’t believe that Ex didn’t write a proper thank-you note. The nerve! 😉

      Liked by 1 person

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      • Why…whateva do you mean…you knew I’d pick up on the S & M? I am, as a refined Southern lady, properly complimented. 😉
        And the empty plate/no note. I think it was just more fuel for his later diagnosis of my insanity. Bwahahahaha!

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