Past Imperfect

Past Imperfect – #374

Amazon Operator: “How may I direct your call?”

Katharine: “I need to speak with someone about my order.”

Operator: “May I ask about the nature of your concern?”

Katharine: “They sent me the wrong thing, that’s my concern.”

Operator: “I see. And what were you expecting to get?”

Katharine: “Well, it’s a rather delicate subject, but I ordered a… personal massager.”

Operator: “Oh, I love those things. They really work out the kinks in my back.”

Katharine: “Yes, well, I do have some kinks that require attention, but my needs are a bit lower than the back. That sort of personal massager.”

Operator: “A foot massager?”

Katharine: “A bit higher than that.”

Operator: “I’m not sure what you…. Oh my, it just clicked. I love those things, too. If I had a nickel for every time I-”

Katharine: “Let’s not get into personal finance. Can you rectify this situation? Because these kinks aren’t going away on their own.”

Operator: “Girl, I’m on it. I’m pulling up your account with extreme urgency. By the way, what did they send you instead of the pleasure prod?”

Katharine: “An actual man. And he appears to be rather invested in his mission, so I think we need to put a rush on things.”

Operator: “I’m issuing an expedite right now and alerting the extraction team.”

Katharine: “And while you’re doing that, I’ll need some assistance with another issue.”

Operator: “I’m here to please. Well, not like the man that’s there to please you but-”

Katharine: “Can you find out what happened to the rest of my waist?”


Previously published. One minor change made. And yes, I realize the tiny waist is just an optical illusion caused by that sash thing hanging down. But still, at first glance, once can’t help but think “honey, you need to eat a cheeseburger”.

Update: 30 minutes later, the proper package finally arrived and Katharine briskly retired for the evening. As for the Pervert at the Door, the Amazon extraction team whisked him away with a grappling hook and then dropped him off at the White House, where he quickly joined the basket of deplorables waiting in line for a pardon from the delusional outgoing president…


30 replies »

  1. Shame, shame! There are small businesses out there who need support… ordering a personal massager from Amazon was her first mistake!

    I guess its difficult to make good decisions when one has so much… tension. Hopefully she’ll make better choices in the future. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Miss Katherine did make a mistake in ordering ANYTHING from Amazon. I ordered, in the pre-Covid, greatly missed, period of time, no less than THREE wireless mice. I’m now on the third one, because every single one of ’em, including the one I have, have proven to be pieces o’ crap. Malfunctioning over and over, and finally refusing to work at all. Despite my having provided them with fresh batteries, a new mouse pad (because someone pointed out that old and dirty mouse pads make for non-working mice and geezus. I’m babbling. Okay then. I just want to know what bit of Hollywood “magic’ they employed to get the actor from “V for Vendetta” into a film made decades prior to their existence (assumably of course). Katherine’s disappearing waist and lower body is no mystery. The woman always was bone thin, and she just over did the Atkins that time… (assumably)

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m sorry to hear about the woeful troubles you’ve been having with your mice. It makes me sad. On a related note, I think that “dirty mousepads” might be one of the contributing factors to the state of American politics these days.

      I have yet to see “V for Vendetta”, even though Angie keeps prodding me to do so and now you’ve brought it up as well. As for movie magic, well, Tom Cruise somehow managed to became a movie star, so there’s definitely some dark magic at work.

      And the waist? Don’t get me started. I can’t even THINK about a cheeseburger without gaining three pounds, damn it.


  3. Yes, that leg, the half door and the window are very strange looking. No wonder the waist disappears too. Anything can happen in a warped world. Two or three pictures superimposed on each other? Even Katherine, who can get any human attention she ever desires, needs an automatic device; and the only attention she is getting is from a person she doesn’t want to have any attention from.

    Liked by 1 person

    • It really IS an odd little photo, so of course I had to give it the Past Imperfect treatment. It’s my duty, in a way.

      Of course, this photo isn’t nearly as shocking as the photos from the U.S. Capitol last week. Those images will be with us for a long time.

      As for getting attention, we all go about it in different ways, and many of us seem to never be satisfied with what we get… 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  4. The Pervert at the Door is a troubling spectacle, for sure. What with the competing checks on jacket and vest, the dangling leg, the feather in the cap… and an odd resemblance to Jack Lemmon.
    Most disturbing.
    So yes, definitely ship him off with the other deplorables. He’ll fit right in.

    Liked by 1 person

    • There’s a whole lotta mess at that half door, sure is. But I didn’t catch the Jack Lemmon angle until you mentioned it, and now I have to rewrite the whole thing and work in a “Some Like It Hot” reference. It simply must be done…

      Liked by 1 person

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