Humor

The Iceman Cameth

By on • ( 45 Comments )

To: Our Beloved Guests

RE: The Crapfest Weather of the Last Several Days Which Has Led to Unappreciated Variances in What You Expect Out of Life

First and foremost, I must thank you for your generous patience as we work our way through this wretchedly woeful wallop. Said patience is even more remarkable considering many of you are trapped in your bungalow enclaves scattered across the rolling hills of Bonnywood Manor, unable to get to any of the libation stations strategically-placed in the various gaiety grottoes in our complex. It’s often difficult to remain complacent when the sloe gin is slow in coming.

Second and mid-most, rest assured that we are doing our very best to brighten the dreary bother that existence has become since the ice started falling from the sky. Of course, our benevolent machinations have not been easy, what with supply lines becoming questionable and (in what is apparently becoming a sad American tradition) some dubious folks rushing out and snatching up every available item at their local CostCo, hoarding such with incomprehensible inconsideration. (In the parlance of the younger generation: “Get over yourself. You’re not all that.” I would have chosen other words, as I prefer much more verbosity, but my sentiments are the same.)

Third and aft-most, we may or may not have been forced to contact unsavory underworld types in order to obtain the things we need to make your time at Bonnywood a high-quality experience worth savoring. I trust that you will be discreet with my honest revelation, choosing to look the other way when the chocolate mint on your pillow appears to be bootleg in nature and refrain from alerting important Pillow-Topping Regulatory Officials. There’s really no need to get all whistle-blowy during a time of hospitality crisis, yes? Mutually-scratched backs, if you’ll allow such a concept and imagery.

Until Bonnywood Manor is once again able to provide the full extent of the quality service you expect from our historic and mildly-surreal Art Deco halls, we plan to cushion the blow of unrequited snow with a few complimentary compensations. You will not be assessed any charges for your stay from the time the first annoying ice pellet fell to the moment when the last pellet is shunned from our society. You will not be held responsible, should you throw something of minor-value against the wall of your bungalow, frustrated that you can’t have brunch with Muffy and Constance. (As you can see in the opening photo of this email, the Main Dining Room has been deemed non-essential during this weather travesty, much to the horror of you and your carefully-chosen Entrance Couture.)

And finally, in what I hope is the purest sign of how much we treasure your patronage, we have a surprise for you. Stand up from the exquisite Beaux Art desk at which you are reading this email on the laptop in your lock-down bungalow, walk over to the Georges Seurat post-impressionist painting on the wall near the grand piano, take said painting off the wall (carefully, as the painting is not considered minor-value and you will be charged for throwing damages) and gaze upon the hidden safe.

Enter the code 7734.

Open the safe and peruse the copious stock of liquor and juice bottles, all of them brimming, nothing watered down. Feel better?

You see, here at Bonnywood, we plan for the unexpected. Unlike the power-grid regulators in Texas who are apparently stunned by the fact that it can get cold in the winter.

I trust said treasure trove will tide you over for the next few days. We’ll talk soon.

 

Sincerely,

Brian Lageose

Owner and Whimsy-Enabler of Bonnywood Manor

Cheers.

 

Note: First, thank you to the lovely folks who have been checking up on me during this crapfest weather in Texas, and the resulting, stunning ineptitude of state officials that has led to so many people being cold in the dark. Love it that you did, really do. Second, because Partner and I are doing our best to limit any impact on the unsteady power grid, we don’t turn nuthin’ on unless we need to do so. This means that I’ve been basically offline for several days now and I am woefully behind with emails and comment responses and fresh posts and, well, everything.

Not that any of that matters. I’m much more concerned with the comfort and safety of the common folk dealing with the fallout of careless and reckless politicians who just don’t give a damn. Another sad American, and specifically Texan, tradition. Until everyone is warm again, I’ll be mostly AWOL.

But I can assure you that the Georges Seurat painting has been ripped off that wall and the bottles in the safe are not as full as they used to be.

Cheers, Part II.

 

Categories: Humor

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45 replies »

  1. Glad to hear you have adequate means to survive. The UK suffered it’s usual 2 inches of snow cover for one day on a few acres of the country, which brings everything to a halt in a similar way. Similar methods of survival have been employed, even though the acres I happen to live in were entirely unaffected.

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    • As usual, the real danger over the last wretched week was not so much the weather as it was all of the folks who have no common sense or willingness to cooperate. I just shook my head, locked the door, and didn’t leave the house for the entire week. And drank a little bit, natch…

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  3. We’ve been watching the news from Texas with horror. Used to cold as we are up here it seems incomprehensible to some that things have gotten that bad that fast. But I lived down south for 18 years.. . They’re not built for it. Although the electricity and water issue does seem badly managed and inexcusable. Glad to hear you’re hanging in there…. and for Gods sake man, don’t be brave. Use that code.

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  4. I do hope that you are able to weather the weather well. And I do think it’s quite convenient that you are in a situation where you can eat and or drink the evidence. No evidence, no crime. Stay warm.

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    • We got through it all quite nicely (knock on wood). Luckily, we planned ahead and had everything we needed, the power outages and water-supply failures did not affect us (another knock), and Partner and I managed to not stab each other despite being trapped together for a week…. 😉

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  5. Hahaha…you paint a very vivid picture of your guests. Quite a snooty bunch I’d say? Like your writing style a lot as it always gives a great visual, and lots of laughs.

    Hope you are doing well in this shit-show called Texas? We just got power back yesterday after 3 days – I’m in Arlington.

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    • The “snooty” angle of the Bonnywood guests is all just for fun, a long-running joke that I’ve fiddled with for years, all the way back to my original blog “on another network”.

      Thank you for your kind words about my writing. I’ve been tinkering with stories for nearly half a century (gulp!) and it’s my favorite thing to do, right behind eating lots of things that I shouldn’t and binge-watching entire seasons of TV shows in one weekend… 😉

      I didn’t realize we were neighbors. (We’re in way-southwest Oak Cliff, almost Duncanville, near Kiest Park, if you’re familiar.) We managed to survive the shit-show without any outages, which totally stunned me, because we typically lose power if the wind gets above 3 miles an hour… 😉

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  6. In Oklahoma … we are marginally better off. Lost water due to freezing pipes..not even a stream flowing from each faucet can bypass the -10 cold…we still have heat and electric. and enough snow we can melt for water to wash bods and dishes. Hang in there.

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    • I’ve been hanging, and I have to say that we fared fairly well in our house. No outages or loss of water, so the only real discomfort was turning the heat down much lower than we normally have it, just to help reduce the strain on the power grid. Oh, and we had four feral cats living in the back of the house for a week. (We just couldn’t let them stay outside with such wretched temperatures, so we coaxed them inside with food bowls.) THAT was certainly interesting, and a little bit nerve-wracking, but hey, you do the right thing when you can.

      By the way, I’m originally from Oklahoma, born and raised in Tulsa/Broken Arrow, so I’m very familiar with how nippy it can get there.. 😉

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  9. I figured the unexpected and highly unwelcome ice from above (I mean one can’t freeze that mess and use it in the cocktails, now can one? Who knows what pollutants it might have picked up from its celestial descent to your neck o’ the woods.) had impacted your font of creativity. It’s hard to be creative when the well is frozen over. Bah. Up here in the faux ‘frozen north’ (well it is NORTH and it is frozen, but we can’t claim to be the ‘true frozen north’ because Canada is quick to deny any alignment with Utah whatsoever. “Keep that mess in the United States, because you are used to dealing with batshit crazy conservatives who don’t contribute to the common good. Aye.” ) we got three feet of softer ‘ice’ falling from the gunmetal sky. I worried briefly and then remembered that at least here our power didn’t desert us (thus our heat is working and our pipes aren’t freezing). And we are used to such abuse from a surly Mother Nature too. I do feel vast quantities of compassion towards folks who are used to gentler versions of ol’ Mother Nature, and don’t understand why she suddenly ‘froze them out’. Take care of you two and Ms. Cleo. Y’all are precious commodities and cherished as such. We’ll be here when things thaw out! Just stay safe you hear? I don’t know what I’d do if the Bonnywood Connection suddenly went permanently dark.

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    • Aww, you say the sweetest things, Sister. Despite my anxiety maxing out several times during the preceding Week From Hell, us Bonnywoodians did okay. Unlike so many other folks. (At one point, a full third of the folks in Texas were without power. That’s more folks than many states have in their entire populations. It was unreal.) But you’re right, the big difference is that northern states know how to handle this mess. Texans do not. I do have compassion, but a part of me wants to say “stop electing Republicans who should have fixed the power grid issues the LAST time this happened”, which was not that long ago. And then there was the time before that, and the time before that and… well, you get the picture….

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  10. Very happy to read that all is well-ish at Bonnywood. I did worry. I have other folks in the frozen south that are also hanging on.

    All of these government people who’ve been stealing cookies all along, getting caught with their hand in the almost empty jar, then spewing crumbs from their mouths and blaming the home folks for not baking more cookies??? It’s truly exhausting to keep seeing this same scene play out over and over again.

    Skip the glass, pass the bottle, let’s sing Paradise By The Dashboard Light again🎶💃🏼💌💌

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    • Truth be told, the “lovely folks who have been checking up on me” phrase in my ending note was mostly directed at you. I saw your previous comment when it dinged into my phone, but I couldn’t immediately respond because we really were trying not to use any extra electricity in the house and I was avoiding my laptop. (I don’t like responding to comments on my phone. Even after all these years of smartphones, I have not mastered “thumb-typing” like all the cool kids can do. I tap with one finger at a time and it takes me three years to write a sentence.) Rambling aside, thank you for thinking of me. Isn’t it great to have friends who really care about you?

      And yes, this whole power-grid mess is the result of government people stealing cookies and cutting corners and refusing to do the right thing. But most of them will get reelected, because many Texans have the attention span of a gnat and they will forget about this by the time of the next election…

      I think we’ve discussed before, but “Paradise By The Dashboard Light” is one of my all-time faves. I can belt that song out with an intensity that will stun you. Once again, you’ve said just the right thing… 😉

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  11. Hunker down, internalise your angst with a warming Greenalls, or my personal heart warmer, a wee Drambuie. Or two.
    PS; Not a lot of cold comfort in another brilliant cool calm and calamitous Kemp ‘solution’?

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  12. Brian, first of all, I have to say that I was stunned to see that on Monday, your temperature (-22C) was exactly the same as mine here in the Northwest Territories (north of 60 degrees N latitude – it’s the Subarctic, dude). I immediately thought of you and wondered, then realised that you would be one of the people able to deal with this climatic lunacy. Up here, we are vastly prepared for such temperatures, having all manner of libations, tinctures, bracers, snow tires, tow ropes, moose lasagna, jumper cables, vehicle plug-ins, and insulated everything. It’s always easier when you have the tools. However, that said, I definitely understand about those power-grid regulators.

    Been thinking about you – good to know that you’re okay and I don’t have to send my SAR outfit to rescue you from an ice cavern. Here’s what we say to any northerner who is travelling at all or even going outside for any length of time: stay safe, stay warm, stay smart. Try to drop in and give us a quick update when you can. ❤

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    • Really? We had matching temperatures on what is now known as That Wretched Monday? Holy cow. That’s a “Past Imperfect” story that I need to work on, right there. I probably never will, but it’s the thought that counts, yes?

      For the longest time, I’ve been trying to convince Partner that we should move further North, as the summers here are blazingly insufferable and generally last from April to November. I would try to explain that the winters are not THAT bad, because Northern Folks are prepared for what’s coming and they know how to do the right thing (“They have moose lasagna!”), unlike Texas where nobody plans for squat, winter-wise, and it all goes to hell with the first snowflake. (To be fair, I’m from Oklahoma, where they actually budget for snowplows. He’s from Texas, where they do not, so I’m more conducive to the Art of Making the Best of Subzero.)

      But in the last several years, especially after I passed the 50-year personal mark, I’ve discovered that I’m not on as compatible terms with The Cold as I used to be. It affects me much more, and not in a good way. I’m fairly certain we will be retiring in a locale where the only snow you see is on TV, not on the street in front of your house… 😉

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      • We really did. I couldn’t believe it and literally checked it twice! I used to live in Phoenix and understand about the lack of proper tools to deal with that much cold and snow in the southern US. I think it’s probably a fine example of climate change.
        If you want to move further north but would like a temperate climate, there’s always Washington state and BC. 🙂
        And btw, I would love to read a Past Imperfect story about the day we matched temperatures.

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  13. Hope you get electricity, heating, and all those basic comforts available. Hope everybody and every pet is staying warm. Goodness, how can Texas get that cold? Love the photo, especially the pictures on the wall with our scantily clothed ancestors–it feels like a lounge for archaeologists.

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    • We managed to get through it all without losing power or water, so we were lucky there. Texas normally does not get this cold (every once in a while, but it’s rare).

      I love that photo, too. My favorite design style is Art Deco, which was prevalent here in the States in the 1920s and 1930s. There’s just something about the mix of sleek lines and creative design and respect for the past that speaks to me…

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  15. Mea culpa – I envision Bonnywood as being immune to the vagaries of something mundane as weather. I’m glad to hear you and yours are safe. We’re just getting out of a cold snap here in Alberta Ca. The temperature with wind chill was down to where it didn’t matter if you measured in Celius or Fahrenheit. In a weird twist of Bonnywood, I am looking at Kandinsky right now.. while not Georges Seurat, certainly related…

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    • In another weird twist, Kandinsky is a favored artist of Partner and I’s mutual and dear friend who goes by the name of “Bubbles” when she’s mentioned in the Bonnywood travelogues. (And she’s appeared in a good 40 episodes or so.) Twisting it further, she’s actually been to Alberta, though, if memory serves, I’m not supposed to know that, based on pending litigation. (Long story, best that you not learn more.)

      Six degrees of Seuratation, perhaps?

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  16. Oh my Lucy! I remember it being colder than a well-diggers’ yes ma’am the first year I lived in Dallas. There was no heat in the house, so I defied someone and bought a kerosene heater. Drove through the snow, looking for kerosene. Finally talked a man into selling me a gallon…for $4.00.
    I’m glad you’re trudging through. It really is unusual for that lone star state to be so cold. 🥶
    Just don’t let the important part of your anatomy to freeze and fall off! (And I’m talking about your fingers)!
    Dirty boy! 😂

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    • LOL!

      Luckily, nothing froze and snapped off. Well, at least not that I noticed. We’re getting old, and things snap off all the time and we may not realize it until we need to use it…

      Only four dollars for a gallon of kerosene? When were you here? 1894? Just kidding. I have no idea how much kerosene costs or what it would look like if I needed some… 🙂

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      • The regular price of Kerosene back then was under $1.00. The trick to not having anything snap off, is to just stay inside…like me…unless it snows and you want snow cream. A more delicious treat has never been invented. 🙂

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          • Oh! It used to be a staple in the South. When it snowed ,(and it had to be the powdery kind), you would go out and scoop up a big bowl of snow. Add some vanilla flavoring and a little milk and mix. Voila!
            After they started testing bombs and other things that are killing the Earth, we were told to wait for the second snow…then the third…and so on, until they recommended that we never make snow cream again, due to the heavy pollution. Sigh.

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    • We managed to remain safe and warm, thank you for your thoughts. And now that the the power grid is stable, I’m finally catching up on the 42,000 comments that need attention. You know how it is in this WordPress world. You get lackadaisical for two seconds and suddenly you’re three weeks behind… 😉

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