Past Imperfect

Past Imperfect – #307

Let’s eavesdrop on the wedding participants’ thoughts, shall we? Left to right.

Conrad “Nicky” Hilton: “I am so glad that Elizabeth Taylor agreed to marry me. I’m sure her decision had nothing to do with my family being so wealthy that we can buy elections and entire countries.”

Elizabeth Taylor: “I’m only 18. I have no idea what I’m doing. But this whole marriage thing has been kind of fun. I should do it again!”

Van Johnson: “I’m only here for the photo op, because that’s what you do in your spare time when you’re an actor. You show up where the photographers are going to be and then you pretend like you don’t know the cameras are here. I’m very good at it. Unlike my wife.”

Evie Johnson: “It took me a long time to get this outfit just right, even though my hat makes me look like I have a head wound, I’m wearing a sash like I expect to join a royal procession at any moment, my gloves were stolen from the hope chest of an opium-addled drag queen, and I’m toting about an acrylic purse that appears to be filled with dominoes. And I look like Penny Marshall!”

Conrad: “Darling, why are you staring so intensely at Van? I must say it’s making me mildly uncomfortable, and I’m not used to discomfort, what with my privileged upbringing and never having to change my own underwear.”

Elizabeth: “Oh, Nicky, don’t be such a stick. Van is taller than you, which makes me wonder how tall everything might be, so you know he’s got my attention at the moment. But don’t worry, you can still see my national velvet later tonight.”

Van: “It seems like just yesterday that you were riding that horse and jumping over things. I remember it well.”

Evie: “Is that Cindy Williams over there? And Boo Boo Kitty? Hey, Girls!”

Conrad: “No really, my pet, I don’t think it proper that you’re getting all equestrian with that wretched Van man on our special day.”

Elizabeth: “Look, Number One of Many, I don’t care for your tone. This is Hollywood. We all flirt with each other and pretend that we’ve ridden horses together, even though we haven’t. Well, mostly we haven’t. It’s a very busy town.”

Conrad: “But according to our pre-nup, your velvet is pristine.”

Elizabeth: “Those snooty lawyers don’t need to know everything about the clam bakes in my past. A woman has needs. And this woman is suddenly very much in need of a drink.”

Van: “I’d be thrilled to bring you something. What would satisfy your desires?”

Elizabeth: “Something with lots of ice. I like to hear the cubes clink together.”

Conrad: “Again with the innuendo.”

Elizabeth: “Again with the annoyance. Here’s the deal, Short Nicky. Men are going to pay attention to me, no matter where we are. I’m funny and charismatic and I have superb cleavage that will be glowingly featured in many of my future films, especially “Cat on a Hot Tin Roof” about eight years from now wherein a certain stunning white dress will leave an impression for decades. I know how to deal with it. If you can’t deal with it, you should go back to the hotel industry with your father and let people change your underwear on a daily basis.”

Evie: “Hi, it’s me, the one standing over here on the right and being completely ignored. Did I miss something? Because the three of you are glaring at each other like somebody needs to put a horse down and they don’t know how.”

Van: “Evie, we’ve talked about your behavior. Just smile and wave. That’s it. No more words.”

Elizabeth: “Oh, really, Tall Van? You think women are only supposed to do what the men tell them to do?”

Van: “I didn’t say that.”

Elizabeth: “But you just did. I’m no longer interested in how tall things might be. Come on, Evie, let’s go get our own drinks and leave these two idiots to fester in their misogynistic stew.”

Evie: “I really didn’t understand that last part, but I never turn down a drink, as you can tell by my outfit. Let’s go!”

The two joined hands and raced away to a nearby bar, where they were soon joined by Cindy Williams, Boo Boo Kitty, Tennessee Williams, William Shakespeare and lots of other folks who were misunderstood in their time and had to fight for their right to have an opinion. They eventually closed down said bar in the wee hours, after many rounds of rambunctious karaoke and dartboard games, but that mess really belongs in another story.

Conrad: “Well, I guess it might be a little lonely in the honeymoon suite tonight.”

Van: “Not necessarily. My schedule just became wide open. And I don’t like to sleep alone.”

Conrad: “But I thought you liked the velvet?”

Van: “I’ll ride any horse that gets me across the finish line. After all, this is Hollywood. And it’s a very busy town.”


Previously published in “Crusty Pie”, considerably revised and extended for its Bonnywood debut.

Three things of note. One, Elizabeth’s marriage to Conrad Hilton only lasted eight months. Two, no horses were actually harmed in the making of this production. Three, this one is packed with obscure trivia, so don’t feel slighted if you don’t quite get the obscurity. Bonus points if you can identify the reference to “Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf”…


20 replies »

  1. I don’t know Virginia Woolf, but I know Boo Boo Kitty. He was our black cat that we rescued during the Turbulent Teen years. I’ll have to rummage around ye olde picture box.

    Poor Evie. Someone should be slapped for letting her leave the house in that mess!🤦🏼‍♀️
    Hopefully Liz took her into the Ladies room and had a “Breakfast Club” moment with her😉🥰

    Liked by 1 person

    • Please rummage. We should always share our Boo Boos.

      I feel compelled to say that I would most likely dress quite similarly to Evie, should I ever get invited to in important soiree wherein famous people are expected to do something minimally worthwhile. I apparently lost my inherent gay gene for fashion a long time ago, and I never bothered to look for it.

      Love the “Breakfast Club” reference, truly do.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Ah, Liz; I recall seeing her in all her subtle acting glory in ‘The Mirror Crack’d’ a 1980 movie in the Miss Merkin/Agony Crap-plot series. No scenery was spared in her suspension-of-belief performance. However, since Rock Humpson was her (kind of) love interest it was a far stretch for both thespians vainly attempting to generate a little sexual tension.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I vaguely remember perusing “The Mirror Crack’d”, partly due to the fact that said perusing occurred many decades ago and partly due to my then-recent discovery of a certain recreational herb. I recall fleeting impressions of unnecessary high-drama and an overwhelming urge for an anchovy pizza. I don’t recall any sexual tension whatsoever, unless you count all the myriad costume changes…

      Liked by 1 person

      • Well, viewing through the hazy curtain of the certain herb couldn’t have hurt in trying to making (non)sense out of it. However, I must draw the line at anchovy pizza though. Considering it, much less consumption of it should be made illegal.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. And here I was, silly me, thinking Elizabeth was stroking her stomach (furtively) because it would NEVER be that flat again (forgive my lack of knowledge on all things Elizabeth. By the time I was aware of her, she was old(ish), fatt(ish), and her cleavage concealed a lot. Stuff fell in there and never found its way out again. I never did admire her that much). HOWEVER, I was titillated by references to Van Johnson’s er ermahem duality of nature. Tell me was EVERYONE in search of satisfaction out there, whatever coat it wore? That Breakfast Club remark (in the comments) disturbed me more. So that whole business with the upside-down lipstick (which took on a whole other, unsavory meaning to ME) and the eyeshadow on the strange girl had sexual undertones that I totally mistook for kindness? Damn. I must, once the prohibts are lifted and it’s ‘safe’ once more, try to get past Utah’s borders more often. I obviously don’t have a clue what’s going on.

    Liked by 1 person

    • So many ways I could go with my response, but I think I’ll choose the most obscure path by sharing a bit of trivia from my youthful years.

      I’m assuming the “strange girl” you mention is actress Ally Sheedy. Well, long before she broke out in movies, she appeared on a children’s show that I worshipped called “Zoom”. (The show was geeky and weird and artsy, right up my alley.) Ally was being interviewed because she had just published a book entitled “She Was Nice to Mice”. And she was THIRTEEN at the time. (I was 10.)

      Well, I fell in platonic love with her immediately, as it was already my dream to write books. I became determined to complete my own book by the age of 13, and I did. Sadly, it was a wretched mess and I was never invited to appear on “Zoom”. I’m not sure that I ever got over that mess….


    • It memory serves (I suppose I could look it up, but I’m feeling unashamedly lazy right now) I believe the tally was eight. Of course, she married Richard Burton twice, so the “real” total is up for debate…

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Granted, she was beautiful, but given her track record I always wondered what men were thinking when they married her. Then again, I often think that about women when I see what kind of man they married, so…

    Liked by 1 person

    • I wasn’t there, of course, but I thought most of her marriages were questionable. Then again, I actually got to have a childhood and she didn’t, what with her being a star at such a young age, so we come from different life experiences…

      Liked by 1 person

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