Virginia: “Why didn’t you take the trash out like I asked you to do?” Robert: “Why are you asking me this right now? I’m in the middle of a dramatic profile shot that will make me look naughty but sexy.” Virginia: “So it’s all about you, once again.” […]
Note: This one has been yanked from the archives, so please excuse the cryptic references that don’t quite make sense in the chronology of things. That aside, I think my meanderings still hold up as A Separate Piece (kudos to anyone who gets that obscure reference, as I […]
George: “I’m so happy to finally have you in my arms.” Janet: “Oh, is that what you’re calling these things that are encircling my virginal body with an intensity that I can’t fully appreciate? For some reason, the phrase ‘death claws’ comes to mind.” George: “Whatever do you […]
Hi there. My name is Betty. This shouldn’t surprise you, because in the year that I was born everyone on the damn planet named their child Betty. This was a disappointing development, and nothing hacks away at your self-esteem like being christened with an uninspired moniker shared by […]
1. Trying to stonewash my own jeans, using bleach, because buying the real thing was too damn expensive. (And failing miserably with the home-school fashion update, reducing the denim to the consistency of mosquito netting.) 2. Playing “Quarters” with my college peeps, never pausing to consider that it […]
Another missive from the “Idiot Fondue” archives, wherein I posed as a psychotherapist and responded to inane queries from creative readers. Enjoy. And the mailman just handed me this: Dear Dr. Brian: Sometimes I need to eat quickly and cheap, but I’m having a fast food dilemma. […]
Fred, left: “I’m sorry to intrude, but I just found these undergarments in the hallway, and I thought I might inquire as to whether or not you might wish to claim ownership.” Melvyn, center: “Good God, man. Why so many words? Couldn’t you have just asked ‘are these […]
Left to right… Drunk Lady #1: “This pizza is so good. If the man who invented pizza walked by right now I’d bang him right here on these steps. And then take a nap.” Drunk Lady #2: “I keep missing my mouth. Why is this so hard? Hey, […]
Dusty archives, once again… 1. Saying “excuse me” when you sneeze, even though no one else is in the room. That’s very polite of you. It’s also slightly neurotic. But that’s okay. As long as you keep that natural reflex going, you’ll be sure to apologize at more […]
Another dusty relic from the archives. I realize I should spend less time excavating and more time creating, but there’s a certain warmth in looking back and remembering when. Enjoy. In yet another example of having too much time on my hands, I once embarked on a […]
Bonnywood Manor 
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