Past Imperfect

Past Imperfect – #462

Ramon, left: “My love, I don’t quite understand why my affections don’t have you on the verge of ovulation.”

Evelyn, right: “Really? Well, let me help you out a bit, although I’m not quite sure where to start. Oh, screw that, let’s start with you doing everything you can to keep your lips from getting anywhere near mine. I would have a better chance of getting aroused in the middle of a root canal.”

Ramon: “Perhaps you’re just not used to men who can do more than grunt and paw and flee the scene of the crime the very second the pregnancy test comes back positive. I was merely trying to be a gentleman.”

Evelyn: “No, I’m thinking you’re just disappointed that I’m not a gentleman. I smell a rainbow around here somewhere.”

Ramon: “I’m appalled that you would even go there. Whatever would make you think such? Did you experience a lot of disappointment at one of those tawdry county fairs that I’m assuming you attended in your misguided youth? Were you stunned to learn that your cherry pie did not win first prize?”

Evelyn: “As if you would know a fine slice of pie if you ever saw one. But I can dish back. Let’s start with the foofy little symbols on your collar. No straight man would leave Wardrobe wearing something like that.”

Ramon: “It’s clear that you did absolutely no research for your role whatsoever, so I’ll try to guide you toward the light, Carol Anne. These symbols are appropriate for the time-period of this drama. Roughly translated, they express how the rapture of our love-making can lead to a bountiful harvest and a pleasing alignment of celestial bodies.”

Evelyn: “You’re not stiffening your manhood by saying nerd-geek crap like that.”

Ramon: “Really? Well, then, let’s talk about what you are wearing. Did your corset explode at some point?”

Evelyn: “Now, you can’t really blame me for that. There was a lot of broccoli on the craft services table. Green roughage can take out this entire planet.”

Ramon: “And that hair of yours? Did you lose a fight with a gardening implement?”

Evelyn: “There you go again with words that a straight man wouldn’t use. This scene is a wretched mess.”

Director: “And cut! That’s a wrap.”

Ramon: “Are you kidding? That was the most unromantic dialogue ever uttered.”

Evelyn: “What she said.”

Director: “I don’t care what you fools were babbling about. This is a silent movie. Sound hasn’t been invented yet. No one will know that squat-tag did not ensue when we do the title cards.”

Ramon: “But it seems a bit dishonest. Shouldn’t we do another take?”

Director: “Oh please, Ramona. This is Hollywood. We can take nothing and turn it into something. If it wasn’t for the magic of the movies, most people would still be scribbling stick figures on cave walls in southern France.”

Evelyn: “You seem like a straight-shooter, in more ways than one. What are you doing after we finish our scenes this evening?”

Director: “I’m not doing you, that’s for sure. I was on the pie-judging committee at the Beaver Valley County Fair, and I know what you did last summer. You have absolutely no respect for fruits. In more ways than one.”

Ramon: “Hmm. It seems like that might be an underhanded poke directed at moi.”

Director: “Trust me. If I was directing my poke at you, there would be no confusion about my intent. After all, I actually earned my blue ribbon at the county fair. ‘Best in Show’ at the bull competition. I would have won the pole-vaulting tournament as well, but I was disqualified for not using a regulation pole, if you catch my drift.”

Evelyn: “I’d love to catch your drift. My glove is warmed up and ready to go.”

Director: “As I’ve already mentioned, Lady Snatcherley, I won’t be crossing your home plate at any point in this lifetime. Now, let’s get back to work. We’re wasting time and losing daylight.”

And thus went another day on the set of “Indiana Joanie and the Quest to Slip Naughty Innuendos Past the Censors”. Sadly, the finished film was a miserable mess, and the director sued to have his name removed from the credits, forcing the producers to use the pseudonym of “Throb the Wonderbull” instead…

Original Note: Previously published. Extensively revised for this post, but I’m not sure there is any actual salvation for this mess…

New Note: Additional modest changes made, although nothing can counter the immodesty of that proffered cherry pie at the county fair. Bonus trivia points to those who can identify the source of the “Carol Anne” movie reference, the more-obscure “Lady Snatcherley” literary reference, and the completely obscure “Wonderbull” talk-show reference. Don’t trouble yourselves if you can’t hit the trifecta, as none of it is important, whatsoever. Such is Bonnywood.



12 replies »

  1. Carol Anne: Poltergeist; Lady Snatcherley: Lady Chatterley’s Lover. Don’t know the other one. Nevertheless, Evelyn looks like she’s about to descend into a coma. How boring. Isn’t that Ramon/a supposed to be heroically dealing with the scary stuff crawling out of the tv and chatting at the snatches? 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    • As the song says, two out of three ain’t bad.

      As for Evelyn and Ramon and their visual disharmony, I would imagine that this photo was used in future casting-director classes, wherein the instructor would present said photo and say “when you’re looking for chemistry between two potential actors, this is NOT what you want to see…”

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I must be slipping. Only got the Lady Snatcherly/D. H. Luncheonette reference.
    Ramons wonderfully waxed eyebrow arch and prominent nose trying to poke out Evies eye is a tad disturbing. I do detect a seething mess of contracted dictions seething underneath that straight laced uniform though.

    Liked by 1 person

    • First, going forward, I will do my best to use “D.H. Luncheonette” whenever possible. That just spoke to me in some way.

      Second, he’s prettier than her (despite the possibly-blinding shnozz), so this scene was destined to jump the tracks. I just picked through the wreckage and took notes…

      Liked by 1 person

  3. although I’ve heard everyone is doing it in the same old way they will in 2021. Nothing is new under the sun which obviously never caressed either of our delicate hides. We remain porcelain china white (no drug reference intended)!”
    The unlikely pair skip off into the sunset, holding hands, he dreaming of rainbows and future free expression of his true nature and she wondering when they’ll invent Aquanet and she can do something about her %@$# hair..

    Liked by 1 person

    • Sadly, the duo didn’t make it very far with their skipping, especially when they discovered that the sunset destination was just a leftover backdrop from some forgotten movie about chicken farmers in rural Alabama. Their china-white hands parted, as did any desire to have anything to do with each other, ever again. At least not until some fool of a producer forgot about their wretched onscreen chemistry and tried to hire them again, because personal animosity pales in comparison when the bills are due…

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I can identify none of the references whatsoever. LOL. Thanks to google, I find out Ramon Novarro and Evelyn Laye starred in this 1935 movie “The Night Is Young”. Love black and white movies despite knowing very little about them.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Black-and-white movies, at least the good ones, give me a sense of comfort that I don’t get from most modern movies. I think it’s a mix of things: The overall innocence of the goings-on, the witty way in which the writers could slip in clever “adult” references without really offending anyone, and the value of actual plot over special effects and loud bangs. Sure, many of those movies were somewhat formulaic, but if the recipe works, just keep stirring the pot… 😉

      Liked by 2 people

    • Ramon really did have a fascinating and ultimately tragic life. As you probably have noticed by now, I love trivia, and many of my stories work in obscure details that will only make sense if you also like trivia. It’s a bit risky, but it’s fun…

      Liked by 2 people

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