Humor

10 Reasons Why the Implosion of Texas Stadium is Just Like Real Life


Extra-fresh new note: As evidenced by the latest string of posts here at Bonnywood, I’m definitely in a Memory Lane Mood, tinkering about with older stories. Today’s feature on the remodeled buffet line was last fiddled with roughly four years ago, during the Fourth of July weekend, thus explaining the “booming” reference. You probably don’t care about the reference point, and I’m not even sure that I do, but I felt compelled to background this mess.

Somewhat-stale previous note: I was compelled to dig this one out of the archives after sitting here for two hours while apparently every other citizen in South Dallas is lighting fireworks that are prohibited in South Dallas. The current booming reminded me of a past booming, and in a fit of mental anguish I abandoned a new post that I was working on and resorted to archaeology. (Side note: This story and the accompanying implosion took place over a decade ago. No need to panic that the “new” stadium is no longer; it’s still going strong and team-owner Jerry Jones is still getting richer, despite his affinity for recruiting players who often end up in jail.)


Texas Stadium, the former home of the Dallas Cowboys for nearly 40 years, was demolished yesterday. I’ve never really been all that invested in football, despite my Oklahoma upbringing, where football is bigger than Jesus in most opinion polls. (Well, at least those polls wherein your identity remains anonymous. Many Oklahomans publicly proclaim that Jesus is first on their priority list but, come Sunday, most of them will be watching the Big Game at home instead of listening to the Big Message in church. Not judging, just saying. Okay, judging a little bit.)

But this is why you will never see ME waving a giant foam finger whilst the camera pans the audience in a stadium: American football, IMHO, is basically the board game “Stratego” in 3-D. You spend twenty minutes planning a move, and then the execution of that move only takes three seconds. Then we spend another twenty minutes while men garbed in prison-themed attire run around with flags and markers and road-surveying equipment, trying to decide if somebody did something they shouldn’t have. Meanwhile, everybody in the stadium has been drunk since the coin toss.)

But with this being Dallas, where there are local ordinances requiring that even the tiniest bit of self-importance be elevated to behemoth proportions, and the Cowboys are worshipped as well-paid deities, this implosion sitch was a Big Thing. All the media outlets in the metroplex had people stationed at the demolition site, with reporters salivating at the chance to turn this into something more than it was. After nearly 24 hours of non-stop coverage, I’ve had time to reflect…

1. Some people will get up at ungodly hours to do questionable things.

  Most of the parking lots in the area (and there are tons of them, I know this well because I drive through the massive acreage on my way to work) were closed to the public for the Big Bang. But they did keep one mildly-distant lot open, with officials finger-crossing that there wouldn’t to too many casualties due to friendly fire, allowing people with no real life to park there, beginning at 2am for the 7am explosion.

  Two o’clock in the morning. On a Sunday. Seriously, who would do that? Yet we have video footage showing carloads of people lined up at 2:01am, with the vehicles crammed full of people doing “the wave” as they motor past. Do these people not understand that they have 5 hours until the button is pushed? Save your strength. (Reflection on America, Part I: Where was this enthusiasm when it came to the last election? Hell, any election.)

2. Some people will stay awake at ungodly hours to do questionable things.

  At 2:02am in the coverage, it became clear that some of the cars were stuffed with people who had never been to bed, and these folks had probably driven directly from the bars after last call. These red-eyed enthusiasts were unable to perform “the wave” with any degree of coordination, but they could certainly lean out the car windows and grunt at the cameras as they feebly tried to keep their go-cups from spilling. (Reflection on America, Part II: Now do you understand how Trump got elected?)

3. There are some skilled news reporters out there who can put an interesting spin on anything.

  During the inevitable lag time between the opening of the sacred single parking lot and the actual destruction of the stadium, the mass of reporters had a chance to prove their worth. Some failed miserably. (Reporter: “So, are you a fan of the Cowboys?” Oh, come on, girl. Of course he’s a fan or he wouldn’t be here. Are you sure you made the right career choice?) But others struggled valiantly to score a scoop.

  Reporter: “So what does this moment mean to you?”

  Van driver: “Moment? Is this a moment?”

  Reporter: “The whole explosion thing? What are your memories of this beloved stadium?”

  Van driver: “Are we at the stadium? This isn’t Whataburger?”

  Reporter, grimacing: “Can you tell me about the good times your family has had watching the Cowboys play?”

  Van driver: “Cowboys? Wait, is this Fort Worth? I thought we were in Dallas.”

  Reporter, trying not to claw her face: “Okay. Well, do you have any kind of connection whatsoever with this parking lot and that stadium right over there that is about to blow up?”

  Van driver: “Do you take coupons? I’ve got one for a free order of fries.”

4. Climate change is affecting our entire world.

  Weeks before the planned hitting-of-the-button, the city of Irving sent out a warning to all residents within a one-mile radius of the stadium that they should probably shut off their air-conditioning during the time of the implosion. You know, so your unit won’t suck vaporized concrete into your home and make everybody sound like Darth Vader.

  This brings up two points of discussion. First, the Dallas Cowboys were playing in a stadium that wasn’t located in Dallas. (For forty years.) By default, this would make them the Irving Cowboys, not the Dallas Cowboys. Am I the only one who thinks there’s been a miscarriage of justice? (Oh, who am I kidding? Guantanamo Bay is still open because certain politicians like to pretend that they are protecting America. Make America incarcerated again!)

  Second, I see a lawsuit coming. Yes, the City of Irving did the right thing. They tried to warn everybody about the dust cloud. But there’s going to be some bitter wretch who hires a lawyer anyway. Because that’s how America works now. Blame everybody else for your own irresponsibility. And while you’re at it, make some completely-unwarranted money out of the situation. Ain’t capitalism great?

5. Bored people will cheer for no good reason.

  Okay, up to the point of pushing the button, the on-site reporters were doing their best to present human-interest stories of people totally devastated by the implosion of the sporting venue they have loved since childhood. Yet, as soon as the carefully-placed bombs started going off and the stadium began to devolve into dust, deranged fans were jumping in the air and celebrating the destruction. What happened to the trauma? Why are you clapping?

6. Okay, not everybody was clapping.

  We did have a nice segment where a reporter was interviewing former Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders as they prepared to watch the destruction. To be fair, one of them was truly moved, weeping copiously as the clock ticked down. She was the only one. The rest of her counterparts were scouring the vicinity for any agent that might sign them for a tell-all book tour.

Reporter: “I think you’re crying, but I’m not really sure. It might just be a malfunction with one of your implants.”

Silicone Sally: “It’s just that I’ve had so many good times on that fake-grass field. The roar of the crowd, the enthusiasm, and the many touchdowns.”

Reporter: “So you’re talking about winning the game?”

Silly Sal: “No, I’m talking about the after-party.”

7. TV cameras apparently emit a homing signal to lure idiots with no concept of reality.

  Do you really need any more examples? Didn’t think so.

8. Repetition is soothing in a medicated society.

  We watched the stadium fall at least 100 times on twelve different channels. As if something different would happen if we just kept watching. Meanwhile, Russian forces are once again advancing on Crimea but we won’t hear a whisper about that because it won’t pull in any decent ratings.

9. People watching the same exact scene will have differing interpretations.

  Despite careful planning by the implosion crew, three of the stadium support towers did not completely fall. Each TV station had their own explanation. One reporter informed us that unexpected piles of debris caused blockage of some kind. Another assured us that this non-falling was intentional, with plans to sell the tower pieces on eBay or some such. And yet another anchor babbled incoherently that the remaining towers symbolized God’s wrath over the Mississippi lesbian who wanted to wear a tuxedo to her high school prom. I’ll let you guess which channel THAT was. (Rhymes with “pox”.)

10. When anything at all happens that concerns the Dallas Cowboys, everything else on the local newscasts becomes secondary.

  Even the most progressive and inclusive news programs will have 29 minutes of Cowboys-mania, with all other events shoved into the final 60 seconds. This wrap-up is usually presented by a disgruntled, lesser-known anchor who has an attitude because he didn’t get to work on the lead story, which is always about the Cowboys: “Um, okay, there was a deadly gas leak in Fort Worth and some people might have died, the Dallas City Council just approved something you won’t like, your medical insurance rates are insanely high because Big Business controls America, the high tomorrow will be 117 degrees due to global warming that was invented by the Chinese government, and some important guy died in Poland. Have a great night!”


As mentioned, previously published. Updated and revised with extra anguish for this post. Story behind the photo: Maybe it’s just me, but I thought the “veggie tray” angle was rather apt for some of the voters in this country…

37 replies »

  1. This post, like all your unburied treasures, is wonderful. Just the right blending of sarcasm, irony, and unvarnished truth (from a certain perspective). There was just one weensy little fly in my personal ointment of enjoyment. Sports. Sports ANYTHING (demolition, overpaid steroid-laden twits with too much money and too little brain, the crowds, the anxiety, the dwelling on unimportant points fifty times (at least) in slow motion and replay) AUGGGGHHHHH! I’m sorry. I ran away screaming. Anyone setting off fireworks or making obscene booming noises at any time of day probably would find me dialing 911 and screaming about terrorists. Do those firework bozos have no nosy neighbors who would turn them in without a second thought? Nah. Sports and the celebration of sports is vastly overrated in my very humblest of opinions. But fun take on ten reasons why…..

    Liked by 2 people

    • First, there is absolutely no reason why ANYONE should be making millions of dollars a year just to run around on a field roughly 12 times a year. None. Why aren’t we paying that much to people who are actually contributing to society and doing their best to ensure that this planet doesn’t implode?

      Second, the fireworks thing. Trust, people DO report the hellacious and illegal behavior of their neighbors, but the self-centered jackasses who set off the fireworks and so legion in this town that the police can’t even respond to a tiny fraction of the complaints. Decency and respect are apparently antiquated (and ignored) skills that don’t even register with much of the populace….

      Like

      • Up in these parts, retribution is real. The yahoo with a taste for setting off loud crap that scares the cows is likely to get a burning bag of doggie doo placed on their doorstep, the doorbell rung, and the sound of maniacal laughter as someone tries stomping out the fire and gets burning dogshit all over their feet or shoes or whatever. This activity obviously is for the limber and young who can run away quickly and stuff themselves into the cornstalks without whimpering or twisting something vital. Me being the community oddball and possible nutjob goes quietly about stalking the miscreant, finding them standing around sucking on a piece of long grass and picking their teeth or whatever in-bred Jed thing they do in their downtime. I roll down Baby’s window and screech at them in tones that might just shatter glass to shut the $@!# up and stop scaring my dog with their %@$!# firework bullshit. Because the target of my venom will probably dial 911 themselves to report a looney screaming at them, I then get the hell out of Dodge. But I’ve noticed that it’s a lot quieter in my corner of the world. A lot quieter.

        Liked by 2 people

  2. Thank you for explaining how that handegg game works, I’ve often wondered. Well, when I say ‘often’ I really mean occasionally, when the remote malfunctions and I find it on my tv in error. Like the rest of the world, we play football, a game where every player actually kicks the ball (and each other), not just a couple in a cast of zillions.

    Liked by 2 people

    • That’s the thing that I really don’t get about American football. There’s a frenzy of activity for roughly 3 seconds, and then everybody stands around and strategizes for 10 minutes until the next play. ANYBODY can do something mildly-athletic for 3 seconds and then take a nice break. Try running your ass up and down a field for a solid 45 minutes before you get a break. THAT takes some gumption. I played soccer (football everywhere else in the world, basically) for many, many seasons in my youth. I don’t have any respect for the 3-second frenzy followed by a siesta…

      Liked by 2 people

      • And for those of us outside the States it seems like a game for people with short attention spans and an excuse for multiple commercial breaks. It’s all about money, isn’t it.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. My pain doctor’s office is across the freeway from the stadium. I was staring out the window and saw the former Jack Murphy/Qualcomm/whatever else Stadium being demolished. It wasn’t a big boom, but a slow tear down.

    I was very sad! Not because of football, although I was a Chargers fan until they got overly greedy. I was sad because of the memories of concerts I’d seen there.

    Now I’m feeling nostalgic.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Oh, I get the concert and nostalgia angle. There were plenty of fabled concerts at Texas Stadium before it went ass-up. But we didn’t get any of those memories during the news coverage of the implosion. Nope, it was all about the Cowboys fans being emotionally-devastated (and/or drunk) concerning the stadium’s demise. Yet the Cowboys had a brand-new stadium that they were already using, in another suburb known as Arlington. (Which meant that the DALLAS Cowboys were still not playing IN Dallas. Am I the only one not perturbed by this?)

      But I should let it go. Let’s hoist our lighters high and remember those excellent concerts, even if the stadiums involved are now just a pile of rubble…

      Liked by 1 person

  4. “is lighting fireworks that are prohibited in South Dallas”. LOL Same here. For the past ten years when private fireworks were prohibited, you could hear many fireworks during holidays. It is said the ban has been lifted, but I haven’t been keeping track of the change of laws.

    “Dallas Cowboys were playing in a stadium that wasn’t located in Dallas.” LOL. Same here. The New York football team plays in New Jersey. I don’t follow sports–so I don’t know why. It just sounds weird.

    #10 is especially fascinating. I don’t understand the importance of sports. If anything, it only shows how crazy and irrational people are. When I was in school–long long time ago–the most inept and gentle students could get into a soccer rage every four years. Why? Why?

    Liked by 2 people

    • One, it just mystifies me that there are so many people who flaunt local regulations and do whatever they want to do. I would feel terrible if I did something that I knew was prohibited. But there are lots of folks who can’t think beyond their own self-centered world…

      Two, the Dallas Cowboys now play in Arlington, which is still not Dallas. IT IS weird. If “Dallas” is in your name, you should be playing in Dallas. Otherwise, change your team name. Am I missing something here?

      Three, professional sports are WAY overrated in this country. There are so many more important things in this world…

      Liked by 1 person

      • LOL. You have just given me a great topic for a post. I know at least a couple of Asian immigrants who just have to have the firework when they buy a house. It is kind of house warming necessity in certain cultures.–the way to frighten away the ghosts that have been inhabited the house in the past. Of course NJ doesn’t allow it. Even today, only handheld and ground based firework is allowed and nothing aerial is permitted.

        Liked by 3 people

  5. So much to vent about. I’ll apologise in advance for the upcoming Dallastopian sacrilege. I get your take on ‘Merican footbah. Don’t get me wrong, I am a sportsfan, but… That game can go ‘on’ till Doomsday, which after all the waiting around for nothing to happen, is Nigh on welcome.
    There’s this roster of players, see, with jersey numbers going up to 666, all standing around getting paid a small fortune, see, to defend/attack some prima blonder quarter- jackass; You have some dude whose job is to just kick the interminable game off, another shitkicker to miss the penalty that was given, if you remember, sometime before lunch. Cast your mind back, it was for a technical foul for an illegal offside sad sacking, or whatever jargon the flag waggers can conjure up. Just like for the kicker who missed, there is no point.
    Even the highlight reel, culled from more footage than Kubrick churned out over a lifetime, is a close-cropped minutely edited thirty seconds of flying feet and fumbled pigskin. And in between plays, see, we have a screen full of sponsored ads, see?
    Overlaying all this is the frenzied commentator, voice pitched higher than Mariah Carey, in raptures about a turned over ball or a so-near intercept.
    Then, after the end of this less than climactic coming together he’ll turn to some cinder block in a silk suit, a retired scar-faced slow-eyed ex- block and tackler home town hero, and ask, perchance, for his nuanced exposition? Knowing full well he’s gonna get a a furrowed mono-brow raised and a monosyllabic grunt or two at back in return, at best. C’mon!
    And as for Sally? Three cheers for the Cowgirl.

    Liked by 2 people

    • One, and most importantly, no need to apologize. I’m all about free speech here at Bonnywood, especially when we’re on the same page.

      Two, the stunning amount of money paid to professional athletes in this country is insane. As I’ve babbled in above comments, there are far move deserving folks who should be getting our gratitude and respect.

      Three, American football (anomaly that is is) managed to survived for multiple decades without video-playback affecting the decisions of official referees. Let those officials make their decisions based on what they see on the field, not on some freeze-framed video-clip, a bit of technology that wasn’t necessary in the many previous millennia of team sports on this planet.

      Four, if your expository abilities as a sports commentator are woefully restricted by your inability to express yourself in any language, you shouldn’t be a commentator, I don’t care how athletically-magnificent you might have been 20 years ago…

      Five, I’m friends with Sally on Facebook. She still has issues, but at least her heart is in the right place…

      Liked by 2 people

  6. Things brings back a memory from a few years ago… Politicians in Little Rock decided that they needed to demolish the Broadway Street Bridge over the Arkansas River and build a new bridge in the same place. The grand demolition was scheduled for lunchtime one weekend day. Some of my friends went to watch; I didn’t bother. I did see the footage later on my computer. Two dozen explosives went off at the same instant, emitting two dozen puffs of smoke… and the bridge remained. It was so well constructed that it held together, even when professionals tried to blow it to pieces. (Yet the politicians insisted it was unsafe and needed to be replaced.) Eventually, on a different day, they had to hook the undemolished bridge to some boats in the river and pull it to pieces. Imagine the disappointment, though, of the crowd that assembled to watch a bridge explode and instead witnessed the survival of a bridge. J.

    Liked by 3 people

    • Oh, your Bridge Story would make a perfectly quirky and satirical movie, perhaps directed by Tim Burton. Two hours of colorful characters debating the pros and cons, with increasing but amusing angst, and then… nothing happens. I’d offer to write the script, but I would have a hard time being fair and balanced, as I am firmly against tearing anything of historical value down if it’s still hardy and safe. But I’m fine with removing anything NEW, like many of the modern eyesores built of plywood and spit. It’s a worn adage, but they just don’t build things like they used to. Love your last line…

      Liked by 1 person

  7. After the Kingdome was imploded in Seattle, I waited in line for over an hour to get a half dozen small free pieces of concrete. I have no idea what I did with them, so I guess I should take six bequests out of my Will.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Go ahead and leave those bequests in the will. The lawyers will have a field day trying to dispute your distribution wishes. (“Your Honor, since the Six Pieces cannot be found, I move to throw out this obvious last lie and testament…”)

      Like

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