Orson Welles, left: “Why are you staring at me like that? Can’t a guy watch a movie in peace?”
Joseph Cotten, right: “Well, I couldn’t help but notice that you appear to be… attending to a self-pleasure ritual that is not quite appropriate for our establishment.”
Orson: “Look, I paid for my ticket. What’s the big deal?”
Joseph: “The deal is that the performance should be on the screen, not in the audience.”
Waldo, way in the background, hollering: “Hey Joseph, your wife is on the phone. Something about a goat that got loose.”
Joseph: “Not now, Waldo. Bit of a situation, here. Take a message.”
Waldo: “But she really wants to talk to you. I’m guessing the goat is doing something that it shouldn’t.”
Joseph: “I know the feeling.”
Orson: “Are you calling me a goat?”
Joseph: “I’m not calling you anything. But I am saying that you need to put the wick away. That candle can’t burn here.”
Orson: “Do you have any idea who you’re dealing with? I could have your job.”
Joseph: “And I would gladly give it to you. But until that happens, let’s downplay the foreplay.”
Waldo, still way back there and still hollering: “Now your wife is crying and saying that you don’t love her.”
Joseph: “I don’t love anyone right at the moment. I’ve got so much angst in me right now that I just want to head into the alley and take it out on a trashcan.
Orson: “I already tried that and it didn’t work. That’s why I’m in here.”
Previously published. Slight changes made for this post. I should point out that no chemically-buttered kernels of popcorn were physically harmed during this production, although they may still need recuperative therapy due to the visuals.
Kernel #37: “Hmm. I never knew he was a lefty.”
Kernel #26: “But at least we now know why he made such big movies. He was clearly trying to make up for a bit of a shortcoming.”
Kernel #15: “Now, now. We can’t all be big and fluffy. Some of us end up at the bottom of the bucket through no fault of our own.
Categories: Past Imperfect