Past Imperfect

Past Imperfect – #574


Ed, Professional Hoofer from New Jersey: “And for the last bit of the dance finale, do this little side kick and shake your moneymaker like it’s on fire.”

Starlet #1, far left: “You mean our moneymakers. Plural. They generally come in a boxed set.”

Ed: “No, I mean singular. The good ole thrust and grind with your tallywacker.”

Starlet #2: “But we don’t have that kind of…financial resource. In case you hadn’t noticed.”

Ed: “I don’t understand. Why would Chippendales hire dancers without forklifts?”

Starlet #3: “I don’t mean to be rude, but are you drunk?”

Ed: “Of course I am. My career has tanked and the only gig I can get is doing choreography for steroid-soaked Chippendales Neanderthals. Who wouldn’t drink in that situation?”

Starlet #4: “Why do you keep saying Chippendales? We don’t have that word in our country. This is the Bolshoi Ballet.”

Ed: “It is? How the hell did I get in Russia? I knew something wasn’t right when I transferred trains in Berlin. But the drinks kept coming, so I just followed the bouncing shot glass until we got to the last station. That’s my career in a nutshell.”

Starlet #1: “So what do we do now?”

Ed: “If this really is Russia, you’d best get your ass out there and vote for Putin. Because he don’t play.”

Starlet #2: “I’m not afraid of a beastly man with no morals whatsoever.”

Ed: “Oh, you’d be surprised how often men like that manage to get power.”

Starlet #3: “Just like in your own country?”

Ed: “Fair enough. Now, where can I get a drink since the trains aren’t running at this hour?”

Starlet #4: “That depends. Are you straight, white and rich?”

Ed: “I can only attest to one of those things.”

Starlet #1: “Then you’re screwed. In both of our countries.”


Previously published, modified slightly for this post. Trivia #1: The drunk is actually Sid Caesar. Trivia #2: This is a still from “Your Show of Shows”, his (and Imogene Coca’s) variety TV series. Trivia #3: The Bolshoi Ballet was founded in 1776, the same year a certain country was founded, a country that was almost unfounded by a straight, white, rich beastly man with no morals. And he still might do it if Republicans don’t stop worshipping at his privileged, maniacal, fake-ass bone-spur feet and actually put country before party.


41 replies »

  1. First, I love sid Caesar.

    Second, “almost unfounded by a straight, white, rich beastly man with no morals” – only the last 5 words are 100% accurate. I will grant you he’s probably straight (or plays awful hard at it), he’s actually Orange, and his wealth is a matter of some question.

    Liked by 5 people

    • Agreed, my phrasing misses the reality mark a bit. (I personally think we’ll eventually find out he’s worth very little, once his assets and debts are balanced.) But the end of the story wouldn’t have been quite as fun if I’d chosen other words… 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I wondered, like Book Bore, what Starlet #4, closest to Syd, was doing hand-wise as well. Amateur prostate exam hour? The strained look in her eye, the coiled leg set to go straight to Syd’s soft centre all suggests she needs to relax a little. Perhaps Syd could share a little relaxation with her in the form of that doobie he’s holding in his hot hand?

    Liked by 4 people

  3. I wound up in Russia twice. I even attended a Bolshoi performance but I left at intermission because I had checked it off the list and knew some day an opportunity would arise where I could brag about being there.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I was going to say that drunk looked like Sid Caesar, and then I saw that it was Sid Caesar….which gives me reasonable confidence that when I look in the mirror, the guy I see that looks like me is actually me (though I can’t completely rule out an evil twin I wasn’t aware of).

    Liked by 5 people

    • Oh, I wouldn’t rule out the evil twin aspect, either, as the same phenomenon occurs here at Bonnywood. Say, maybe it’s the SAME GUY traveling from house to house and torturing otherwise angelic souls? Hmm…

      Liked by 2 people

  5. Starlet #1:  You put your RIGHT foot in . . . your other right foot you idiot, and you shake it all about!

    Ed:  Right foot, left arm, whole self. What’s next? Shall I ride in on a horse?

    Starlet #4:  Oooh, a horse! What if you rode in with your shirt off?

    Ed:  They don’t pay me enough for this.

    Liked by 3 people

  6. 1st “starlet” (clone of Barbra Streisand, only a lot taller) and Catherine Deneuve (I can never spell that woman’s name) next to her are the only ones who will get picked for the faux follies Bolshevik Ballet. because they actually knew their left foot from their right, and followed Sid’s (or Ed or whoever that old guy is) directions. The other two, extras from the Last Chance Modeling Agency and Dance Hall, were again frustrated by their lack of attention to detail. They just never got picked for the A team. No one could shame/blame them though. They were educated in the U.S. where education falls a sad second place to professional sports and politicians (maybe it’s a sad third..I can’t do math. Another example of sub-par education here) and most of the turn out (a ballet phrase, subtly woven into the comment text) doesn’t know up from down, let alone left from right. Well unless they’re at the ballot box of course. Sometimes.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Actually, upon gazing at that photo a second or fourteenth time it would appear that I don’t know my left from my right…Barbra and Catherine were doing their own thing, something that appears to have served them well in life. The runners up were copying Sid’s moves in a lukewarm fashion. Sometimes it pays just to keep one’s gob shut, don’t it?

      Liked by 1 person

    • No matter, at Bonnywood, all directionless souls are always forgiven. Well, most of them, anyway. Regardless, a festive romp nonetheless, with perhaps the best line being “the Last Chance Modeling Agency and Dance Hall”…. 😉

      Like

  7. LOL. Love the ending. That’s very cute. I don’t know the Chippendales reference but I guess it is about a style of furniture, or is it a theater performance company? Anyway, it is one of those words that are long but very easy to remember–I mean the sound but not the spelling.

    Liked by 2 people

    • “Chippendales” is a reference to a group of male exotic dancers who typically perform in nightclubs for a female audience. They were very popular in years past, but I really don’t know how much relevance they have today. Granted, “Chippendale” is also a style of furniture, as you have astutely noted, but they wasn’t the case in this sordid tale… 😉

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.