Humor

20 Self-Help Books That Somebody Really, Really Needs To Write

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1. “How to Remove Your Head from Your Ass Using Common Household Items”

2. “The Margarita-Based Diet”

3. “He’s So Completely Not into You That He’s Moving to Another Planet”

4. “Chicken Soup for the Soulless”

5. “The Five Best Ways to Keep People from Slapping You”

6. “Depression: How to Tell the Difference between The Real Thing and Simple Laziness”

7. “Things You Shouldn’t Wear If You Don’t Want People to Leave Money on Your Nightstand”

8. “Social Media Update Snafus – Volume I: Some Things Really Just Need to Stay in Your Locked Diary”

9. “Social Media Update Snafus – Volume II: Tequila and Typing = Bad”

10. “The Magic of Movie-Going: How to Fully Enjoy the Experience by Shutting the Hell Up and Not Chewing on a Side of Beef During the Screening”

11. “Blood Is Thicker Than Water and the Stains Are Harder To Get Out”

12. “The Illustrated Guide to Things That Shouldn’t Be on Your Computer When You Take It in to Be Serviced”

13. “Come On, Eileen: The Importance of Making a Damn Decision about Things So That the People Who Are Trying To Love You Will Continue To Do So”

14. “The Best Villages to Live Where People Actually Raise Their OWN Children”

15. “The Circle of Life: How Assuming That I’ll Forgive Whatever You Do Just Because We’re Supposedly Friends Can Lead to Complications, Confrontations and Courtrooms”

16. “Jokers to the Right: An Examination of How Some Right-Wingers Are So Self-Centered That They Are Actually Creating Black Holes in the Universe”

17. “Mommy Drinks Because the Other Options Would Result in Jail Time”

18. Rolling in the Sheep: An Examination of Fox News Viewers”

19. “Here Comes the Rain Again: How to Deal with the Constant Deluge of Idiots Who Are Allowed to Walk the Face of the Earth without Supervision”

20. “Who Are We Kidding? – The People Who Really Need This Book Have Never Read One in Their Entire Lives”

Peace in.


Previously published, miniscule changes made. The main reason I’m reposting this one is that the last version of said piece has consistently remained in the little sidebar box of the five “Top Posts & Pages” on my blog for several years, with a seemingly-endless comment thread that keeps growing. Frankly, I’m not sure why this one has pulled in so much activity, because I really don’t consider it one of my better efforts. Yet people keep finding it, somehow. So, I’m curious about how it will do this time…

The success of individual blog posts is a cryptic thing. Some of my personal-favorite pieces have barely registered with Bonnywood guests, whilst other offerings that I slapped together at the last second (and not all that well) have hit the top of my tiny (and essentially meaningless) stat charts. You never know what is going to happen. And I suppose that’s a mirror of life in general…


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68 replies »

  2. I take issue with
    13. “Come On, Eileen: The Importance of Making a Damn Decision about Things So That the People Who Are Trying To Love You Will Continue To Do So” thankfully Dexedrine’s Midnight Runners who brought the song into the bane of my existence spelled it the UK way and not the way my parents spelled it to name me after my great grandfather, Isaac. Do you have something against the name? Or is it a passive aggressive lyric about a woman whose indecisive about being in a bukaki porn movie your major malfunction? I do agree that certain women are just plain old boring “lay back and stare at the color of the ceiling types” in bed, but this is a gross generalization that needs some reschooling for both you and your name-averse wide readership. There’s plenty of other self help books in my mind that need an author to take to the typewriter and bash out that would not only sell better by not focusing a small amount of attention on a singled out one hit wonder band in the United States as far as I know, but would have little readership regardless of the narrow demographic. “How to Stop Storming the Capital and Start Loving Yourself: Vaccinations and Vacations for Right Wing Nuts” “Hoard Radish: Our Collecting and it’s roots in crossing the borderline personality disorder” “How to Win Friends with Catnip and Canned Wet Food: No one can have too many cats to be called crazy” “I’m Okay, You’re the Asshole: Creating borders and boundaries after giving up too much of your house to Airbnb renters,” and the ever popular “Invite Yourself to a Party of One: The bliss of pandemics and agoraphobia” to name just a few in this poly crisis laden 21st century. Without being so self centered as to single out a name assuming we all can’t figure out where we want our boyfriends to pull out and pump on us. Love you Bri.

    Liked by 5 people

    Reply

    • Holy cow, this comment zigged all over the place, which is a feeling and modus operandi that I know quite well. I can assure you that my thoughts on any of the matters discussed above had nothing to do with the maligning of given names bestowed upon mostly-innocent folks who had no hand in their childhood branding. (After all, it’s a part of the Growth Experience to spend one’s life counteracting appellation decisions made, pre-birth. It gives you character.)

      As you well know, my knowledge of women who are indecisive about bukaki-porn opportunities or stare at the ceiling during otherwise intimate moments is quite limited. As in, nada. I shot out of the womb with an affinity for heaving and sweaty pectorals of the XY kind, and I’ve never looked back. Focus is key if you want to follow the lavender brick road to Oz, which in my case was a gay bar in the shady part of town.

      Kudos on your book titles, as they are quite satisfying and redemptive. If I ever do a sequel to this piece, emphasis on the “if” because I have the attention span of a gnat, I will be sure to include them in some way. Hopefully no one will stare resignedly at the ceiling when I do so.

      Love ya right back, my friend.

      Liked by 2 people

      Reply

      • Oh Brian, I’m all too aware of our co-penchant for the XY chrom-agnonoids. I’ve been a good fag hag (can I even say that anymore? Shit fire probably not and need to go through a course of sensitivity training as the words in use change as quickly as the WordPress block editor) since the early 80s – 1980 to be exact. So you should read into my catty comment part one as a let loose on the song not on you. When my friends wanted to drive me nuts one day they all called into local radio stations when you could still request songs and somehow got them all to play Cum on Eileen at the same time 3 times in a row and there was nothing I could do but sit in hot miami traffic in my VW Rabbit and look out my sunroof wondering which of my friends would work so hard to be so hysterically cruel. It was Allan of course evil mastermind who was my best friend and brother from another mother and of course the lover of the first husband I had because he was Allan’s love of his life and about to be deported. I’d actually forgotten about the green card go get ‘em we finagled through that when I married my first actual husband Harry I had to get a quick divorce first. But we were that close – read post https://cancerbus.com/2019/02/25/hope-and-the-prison-of-a-diseased-body/
        And in my life I don’t believe I’ve ever laughed so hard as when we were making fun of one another or ourselves in that self deprecating way only two so close can around each other.

        But differences aside the safety of having male friendships with bouts of shopping included was my kind of relationship because I wanted to have the demographics of my closest friends be as vibrant as my life once was. Before he died in my arms at 37 and before I’ll go 20 odd years later – it all seems sadly unfair. But it’s how the luck of the draw goes.

        So I had to give you heterochic shit about that book title and I stopped myself before the roll of toilet paper kept going with adjuvant titles that would’ve created an even less than immune compromised system than I already suffer the continued political pain in the ass driven variants on a theme out to kill me and anyone else who is unlucky enough to have a terminal illness at a time like this, your last self hell-p title
        “What’s a Dame Like You Doing in a Country Like This: To mask or vax is up your t-rump and other insurgent pleasures for the non-liberal set”

        Much love always and in good hearted humor always,
        Ilene

        Liked by 2 people

        Reply

  4. Might I, as a fellow blogger, respectfully suggest a title that is crying out for publication? ‘Word Press Block Editor Finally Explained!’ You know, a simplified user-friendly functional frustration and hassle-free useable version please? Pretty please? (Perhaps it’s a case of going back and studying the Standard Classics, WP Technical Support and Customer Enquiries Word Nerds?)

    Liked by 6 people

    Reply

    • obbverse: Duly noted, Sage One. I have handed off your suggestion to one of my staff assistants here at Bonnywood. (I think her name is Gretchen? Not sure. She’s the one who smells like “ineptitude”, but I can’t let her go because she’s a distant cousin who really needs a helping hand after the meth-lab exploded.) I can’t promise anything (did I mention meth-lab?) but I’ll keep you updated.

      pedantry: I acknowledge your drawback and counter with the fact that 99% of the posts at Bonnywood were already outdated before I even opened the Microsoft Word program. And so it goes… 😉

      Liked by 2 people

      Reply

    • Isn’t it odd, the reaction to posts? I can spend three days working on what I think is a lovely bit of writing, but nobody reads it. I throw out some mess that isn’t all that worthy, and my stats explode. Someday we can hopefully figure this all out… 😉

      Liked by 3 people

      Reply

    • Right? Those sequels should have an overall theme of “How to Not Be So Annoying Everywhere You Go”, with special editions dedicated to locales such as grocery stores, highways, municipal parks and, well, anywhere that you can’t openly slap someone for their annoying misconception of proper behavior… 😉

      Liked by 2 people

      Reply

      • Yeah, that don’t want to go to jail thing saves many. Though I am generally very laid back and easy going, there are a few things that will set me off. Usually in the grocery store because I don’t want to be there to begin with.

        Liked by 2 people

        Reply

  12. These are great, especially numbers one and two. And a couple more: Clues for the Clueless: How to Line up for a Vaccine, Vol 1; The Seven Denials of Highly Conspiratorial People. 😉

    It’s a big mystery why some posts are poplar and some (frequently the ones I think are pretty good) attract nothing but crickets. But I get why people like this one, Brian. It’s very funny. 🙂

    Liked by 4 people

    Reply

    • Oh, I like your two book suggestions. [Cue sounds of me scribbling on notecards. Yes, I’m constantly capturing my thoughts on such, as I’m old-school that way. I like flipping through them for inspiration, even if I’m occasionally stumped by by entries like “follow up on that Lynette story about the errant crab”.]

      And yes, it’s a mystery why some posts soar whilst others plummet like Icarus. But it keeps my on my toes. Keep trying new things, rinse and repeat…

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

    • You know, I’m now making it a mission to catch you reading a book, because I know you have, despite your rebuttals. I’ll get you, my pretty. Said in a completely non-threatening way, of course…

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

      • Well, you know…I did read that ONE book…Ambulance Girl….under great duress from you know who. I read it in 20 minutes. I thought it would make the sourpuss happy, but instead he cursed at me and threw the book down. (It was actually a pretty entertaining book.)
        I don’t know why I have such an intense aversion to reading books. I don’t recall having been hit by one or having one shoved in my face. It’s just mysteriousooooo.

        Liked by 1 person

        Reply

  15. Firstly, people love lists, point-form statements that actually make a point. Secondly, people, minus Republicans and rednecks, can really really really relate to this list. We all wish we wrote one like it. Unfortunately as mentioned, those who should read these books don’t. They probably don’t even read lists.

    Liked by 3 people

    Reply

    • I think you’re right, in that people generally like lists. Yet if you read any advice from most “blogging gurus” (yes, I do spot-check with them, from time to time), they all advise that you should stay away from list-making. That right there tells me that nobody knows what may or may not resonate. Life is all about happenstance, much to the chagrin of pollsters and branding-experts, everywhere. Do what feels right and let the chips fall…

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

  16. This is an amazing post, so why not bask in the attention and not examine it too closely? This spawns a wee idea, perhaps you can ask your followers **koff koff STALKERS koff koff koff** to come up with their own book titles and then sort of show case the best ones (without judgment of course). I see that one person has taken the baton and run with it already. Here are a couple from my mind mire:

    Dog Lovers. Why Loving Your Dog Is Better Than Having a Relationship.
    Green Food. Seven Plausible Reasons To Explain Why There’s Mold Growing In Your Fridge That Hasn’t Been Cleaned Since The Time of Queen Victoria.

    Okay then. Your ball, your court! (this is a HILARIOUS post, that’s why the flocking to it, even if decades have passed and you, yourself weren’t impressed with it greatly.

    Liked by 4 people

    Reply

    • Your two title suggestions are quite entertaining and, if memory serves, your also proffered up a smorgasbord of titillation that last time I shared this post. You are quite adept at jumping in, with skill and grace. And I intended to prompt folks to jump in as well this time, but I got sidetracked by something shiny (no surprise) and said prompt vanished into the ether. Such is life.

      And yes, I really shouldn’t examine things so closely. I’m getting better at it, but you know how my mind is. The zig-zagging never ceases and I have to land on something just to quiet the noise for a bit…

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

    • I think I actually get where you’re coming from with this title, even if it seems awfully dark. (I may be wrong, always a possibility.) That series, though it had good intentions, managed to inadvertently glamorize an avenue that should never be followed for the wrong reasons…

      Like

      Reply

      • Indeed. Consider it amended to a less contentious Ten Steps To Ten. Not a great fan of self-help books, which is why your list was such a joy. Your “Depression: How to Tell the Difference between The Real Thing and Simple Laziness” is the favourite, with “How to Remove Your Head from Your Ass Using Common Household Items” a tight second. Cheers!

        Liked by 1 person

        Reply

    • It’s really not a bad post, despite my grumblings. (I always grumble; I’m sure you’ve noticed by now.) And if folks managed to find my blog via the original share of this list, I really shouldn’t be complaining… 😉

      Like

      Reply
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