Oprah Winfrey: “Hi there. I’m working on new stories for my magazine, and I just had a few questions for you.”
Vin Diesel: “How did you get in here? I instructed my guards to shoot anyone who wasn’t an agent bringing me the script for Fast and Furious 27: Burning Rubber in Our Wheelchairs at the Santa Monica Retirement Village.”
Oprah: “Oh, please. I had a talk show that lasted for decades, and I have more money than most countries. I’m bullet-proof. Now, tell me about those weird, frozen, Egyptian statues. What’s going on with that?”
Vin: “Well, those things represent Republican candidates running for office. It’s kind of complex symbolism that means-”
Oprah: “Republicans are stuck in the ancient past, they represent concepts that are no longer relevant, and if you start chipping away at their lies everything crumbles. Got it. And what’s up with the chick behind you that looks like she’s an extra in The Ring movies?”
Vin: “She represents people who vote Republican.”
Oprah: “So she’s blurry because she can’t think for herself.”
Oprah: “Okay, I think I’m done here. Didn’t learn anything, no story.”
Vin: “But you got to meet me. That’s a new angle, right?”
Oprah: “You’ve made the same exact movie many times in a row without even changing the script. Shouldn’t you be one of the statues in this mausoleum of dead ideas?”
Vin: “Wait, are you saying that I’m a…. look, I’m on your side in this mess. I’m just trying to get people to wake up and smell the lies.”
Oprah: “Oh, I’m a firm believer in that. Maybe we can work together, after all.”
Vin: “Great! I was thinking we could do a remake of ‘The Color Purple’ movie. Have you seen it?”
Oprah: “Seen it? I was in it. I peed on camera and got an Oscar nomination. I think I know a thing or two about that movie.”
Vin: “Oh. I might have slipped away to do my own peeing during that part. It was a really long movie. But anyway, I like the title and I think we can use it for a documentary focused on educating voters in those battleground states that flip-flop between red and blue. The purple states.”
Oprah: “Hmm. I’d have to talk to Alice Walker about that. And Steven Spielberg, as well. You probably can’t understand this, considering your repetitive profile on IMDB, but sometimes you should never mess with the original. Still, tell me more. And why would we only focus on the flip-flop states?”
Vin: “Well, the deep-blue states are a lock, unless something drastic happens. And the deep-red states are a lock in the opposite direction, even if something drastic happens, like Covid and climate change and reality. You are never going to change the opinion of deep-reds, as they disconnected a long time ago, with all their delusions and conspiracy theories. Have you heard the latest mess about the magnets?”
Oprah: “Don’t even get me started on the magnets. Still, I believe in talking to people. I had a talk show. Where I talked to people. For a long time. Sometimes talking one-on-one, in front of a large studio audience hoping they have a free trip to the Bahamas under their chairs, works out.”
Vin: “Agreed. But there has to be a point where extending the olive branch is no longer worth the effort. Should we really waste our time reaching out to folks who have no desire to be reached? Write them off as lax deductions on the balance sheet of life and move on. Are you with me?”
Oprah: “Not completely. I still hope that there’s hope with the hopeless. But maybe we can find a middle ground in our efforts.” She whips out her day planner, an old-school device from back the day in when people were generally decent in public even if they were horribly indecent in private. “I have a free hour on Tuesday next. Does that work out for you?”
Vin: “Anything that moves us forward instead of backward works for me.”
Previously published in “Crusty Pie”, revised and extended for this post. And that magnet thing? Let me fill you in, should you be raising a puzzled eyebrow at such. True Story: Just yesterday, Partner had me take a gander at an item in his Facebook feed. One of his connections had posted something along the lines of “Heads up! There are photos of magnets sticking to people’s arms where they got the Covid vaccination. This is proof that the Covid shot is a tracking device! Try it and send me photos!”
And people actually shared photos in the comments, clearly staged. It’s true! This is all a government conspiracy!
How do you deal with this mess?
I still believe in dialogue.
I still believe in compromise. (Isn’t that the definition of democracy?)
But I’m done with the vindictive lies and the appalling hate and the rejection of reality.
So, yes, there IS a point where even decent people can’t take it anymore, and they must move on, writing off the lax deductions in society. And I’m there.
Categories: Past Imperfect