Past Imperfect

Past Imperfect – #128

Casting Call on the set of “Peach Blossom Clambake”, left to right…

  Starlet #1: “I’m going to smile like hell even though I know I’m having a bad hair day. Momma always said that clean, pretty teeth will keep you out of jail. Of course, Momma drank a lot. And now that I think about it, she was in jail a lot, too, instead of out of it. Maybe all that ‘advice’ from Momma was really ‘stupid things people say when they have gin for breakfast’.

  “Wait, am I having a tiffany? Isn’t that what they call it? Maybe it’s a pimphony. Something like that. Whatever you call it, I’m having one. Because I think Momma is a liar. She’s the one who told me to use bacon grease as a conditioner for my hair, and I don’t think that’s working out. I electrocuted myself this morning when I tried to use the curling iron and now there are scorch marks in my bathroom, which is never a good thing, not matter how you try to pretty it up.

  “I don’t think I should talk to Momma anymore. Which should be easy, because she’s in jail again. Who knows what she was convicted of, this time. I stopped paying attention to details after she got arrested for violating a clown at that rodeo in Amarillo-By-Morning.”

  Starlet #2: “Eventually, I will give birth to Christina Ricci! But I have a sense that she will be a sullen child, fighting me about everything and eventually appearing in independent films wherein strange things happen and people have sex out of boredom and spite.

  “It’s hard being a parent these days because they just don’t pay attention to you anymore, listening to that rockabilly music and going to sleazy carhops where your food comes on a tray and not a proper plate. It’s not like the good old pioneer days, when the children were too busy milking cows and being poor to get into any mischief. Of course, most folks were dead by the time they were forty, but that’s better than getting a call from the school principal that your daughter was caught doing something with Mary Jane in the bathroom. I don’t know who she is, but my daughter will not be doing any sleepovers with her if I can help it.”

  Starlet #3: “I have the biggest breasts, so I should at least get a walk-on part in this movie. Unless George Cukor is directing the flick, which only works for a female actress if you don’t want to sleep with him. I don’t really think that’s fair, but nobody ever cares for my opinion in this wretched town. Still, I really want this part, so I’m going to do whatever it takes to get a callback, even if I have to be on my back to get the call.

  “But maybe I should tone down the Hitler symbolism with my arm. I don’t know where that’s coming from. I spent some time in Berlin when I was with the road company of ‘La Man of La Gulag’, and back then I thought that was just how you signaled the bartender that you wanted another round. I know differently now, but habits are hard to break. Just ask anyone in the Republican party.”

  Starlet #4: “I have enough prescription drugs coursing through my body that I don’t care if I get this part or not. But I sure would like a pizza. Isn’t pizza great? It’s beautiful and lovely and the colors are so pretty. And it’s so round. Whoever created pizza should be a god. I would certainly go to that church.

  “Wait, what movie is this again? ‘Peach Blossom Clambake’? That doesn’t sound right. It sounds like something on one of my prescription bottles. I think I’m supposed to be on a different movie set. But I really don’t remember. Actually, the last thing that’s really clear is somebody named Mary Jane offering me pizza in the bathroom at Timothy Leary High. It’s been a blur since then, other than that one time when George Cukor told me he had no interest in the extra toppings on my pizza. He was mean. I don’t like him.

  “What was the question again?”

  Starlet #5: “Eventually I will give birth to Sarah Silverman! But just like Starlet #2 over there, my daughter will not fully appreciate my begetting and belaboring. It seems that this denial of origin is now trending on Twitter. #DefyTheBirthCanalOppression. I think that whole movement is stupid, but that’s what you get when let just anybody share their thoughts on social media. I prefer the simpler times, when it took two months to deliver a hand-written letter and, by the time you got it, whatever the letter was talking about was no longer relevant.

  “On the flip side, back in that snail-mail day, I would never be allowed to show as much flesh as I’m doing now, and that makes me blue. Social mores are intricate and complicated, and it’s no wonder that some countries have changed names 46 times in the last century.”

  Starlet #6: “I am so screwed. The skank on my right has a hairdo bigger than an aircraft carrier and the palm tree on my left is bigger than my apartment. The producers are not going to notice me even if I rear back and give birth to an alien. Welcome to Hollywood.”

In the cave just below the ledge on which the starlets are perched…

Barney: “Say, you wanna go objectify women at the Flintrock Bar and Grill?”

Fred: “Yabba dabba doo!”

Pebbles: “Both of you are sexist pigs and I want nothing to do with you. #DenyTheConception.”

In the skies above the starlets…

Other Fred: “We might have made a wrong turn somewhere.”

Amelia Earhart: “Ya think? We’ve been circling the planet for decades. Thank god you developed that special airplane fuel that regenerates itself. Wait, are those the Galapagos Islands down there?”

Other Fred: “Um, no, that looks more like the breasts of disillusioned Hollywood starlets auditioning for yet another vapid movie. I think we should keep going.”

Amelia: “Fine by me. That gives me time to finish reading ‘Gone Girl’ on my Kindle.”


Previously published, considerably revised and expanded for this latest post. And yes, I’m fully aware that this one veers in so many wrong directions. And I wouldn’t have it any other way…


P.S. “Other Fred” is a reference to Fred Noonan, the navigator (and only other person) on Amelia’s final, puzzling (never-ending?) flight. I think it’s time we finally had some answers from him, don’t you?

Other Fred: “Hey, don’t act like I’m not sitting right here next to you as you type this.”

Brian: “Shut your piehole, Other Fred. I know what I’m doing, unlike you.”


14 replies »

  1. Number three has no conception at all of why her happy straight arm welcoming wave could upset anyone. ‘Why, when I was exposing-er, posing myself in this self shame swimsuit in the fourth of July parade, riding shotgun in that ’55 convertible Cadillac back in lil’ ol’ Whitesheet, Alabamy, why every dang one of those good ol’ boys waved back at me in the same ol’ way. Every one a Southern gentlemen, calling out to me ‘Hail Sister.’ I think that’s what it was…’
    The cave; re-used in ‘Back To The Future 3?
    Fred and Amelia? Lost their bearings looooong ago.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Well, we can’t entirely blame Number Three for her ignorance and adherence to questionable arm-positioning. After all, she most likely grew up in that there Whitesheet, Alabamy town, where the local school board hasn’t changed its agenda since 1832. It’s hard to achieve enlightenment when everyone around you is heavy with the dumbass.

      I’ll have to check into the “Back to the Future 3” angle. It’s entirely plausible, just like swilling an anti-parasitic drug, intended for animals and not people, as a sure-fire cure for Covid. I weep for humanity. Oh, screw that. I weep that some segments of humanity are still here. Bitter? Check.

      Breaking news: Fred and Amelia just landed in my backyard. I’ll have to get back to you. I hope they didn’t damage the begonias…

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Starlet #1: I’m tilting my head in a bird-like manner and baring my teeth, which these other idiots will mistake for a smile. Mama always said it’s better to look slightly loony than to blend in. Those fourteen tequila shots were a great idea at the time, but now I just hope they’ll snap the %#!& photo already before I toss my tequila… *urp*

    Starlet #2. Boy that floozy to the left of me simply reeks of tequila. And she’s a tad too fat to carry off that two piece. The taste of some people! It’s hot out here and apparently someone forgot to put on their roll on. Yet they wave their stinky armpit for all to smell. It’s tough in Hollywood..

    Starlet #3 I got smarter than the rest of this line up and put a not quite trendy yet do’ rag on my head. Hides the fact that Paul Mitchell f*cked up my hair cut. Again. Well that casting guy ain’t looking at my head. Thank goodness for big breasts..

    Starlet #4: I’d match my breast size with that witch to the left of me any day. I BET mine are the biggest and my bathing costume is so much more attractive. It also has no straps so easy access for that casting guy IF he needs a little persuasion on who to hire. White is so yester Labor Day.

    Starlet #5 The Andrews Sisters did my hair and doesn’t it look simply divine? Makes up for the really tasteless and boring swimsuit they picked out for me. Maybe that suit means that I have enough personality to carry this off without having any decent bathing couture.. Hmmm.

    Starlet #6 Which way are we supposed to cross our legs again? Everyone is doing their own damned thing and that gets confusing, especially when one garnered a spot at the end of the line. Which sums up my career come to think of it. Where’d they put that Valium again?

    Liked by 2 people

    • #1: “Oh, good. I think the urping possibility is no longer an issue, as I just let out a belch that could sink the Bismarck and now I feel rather festive and limber. Now I just need to remember who I’m supposed to sleep with and we can call it a good day.”

      #2: “Wait, I just read a story on Pre-CNN that says over half the population in America in 1947 had no idea deodorant was or how to use it. No wonder the air is so fetid in Hollywood. I just hope that in the future people are better informed.” [Cue laughtrack.]

      #3 “Well, damn. I must have brushed up against a briar bush because I can feel air escaping from my left headlight.”

      #4: “Hold up, I think I recognize that Casting Guy. We were both there during last call at The Leaky Pipe bar in West Hollywood. And damn, that was a gay bar. I better re-strategize what I can do with my breasts.”

      #5: What’s this? A memo from the Andrews Sisters, telling me to cease and desist? Well, dang it. Now I’m stuck here with drab couture and a copyrighted ‘do. I really should have paid more attention in high school and learned an actual skill instead of boinking anything that moved.”

      #6: “Oh, screw it. I’ve never crossed anything in my life. Why start now?”


  3. “Peach Blossom Clambake” sounds like a dreadful herbal tea, or perhaps a plug-in air freshener. And I also knew the identity of Other Fred. Funny that no one is looking for him in old Japanese photographs or in human remains near Pacific islands. J.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Inspiration can come from the most unexpected sources, and I must admit that your association of “Peach Blossom Clambake” to an air freshener has moved me greatly. Now I merely have to find just the right vintage photo. I’ll get back to you…

      As for looking for Fred in all the wrong places, well, I think we’ve all been there… 😉

      Liked by 1 person

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