Humor

A Totally Random History of America – Part I


2000 B.C. – 999 A.D.: The Native Americans live peaceably for thousands of years. Sure, a few of the tribes were a bit violent, but this pales in comparison to the religious persecutions that were all the rage in the Old World. (“I have the religious right to kill anybody who doesn’t think my religion is right.”)

1000 A.D.: The Vikings show up and almost immediately leave, disappointed that Starbucks hasn’t been invented yet.

1001 -1491: After the one-hit-wonder Vikings sail back to wherever, the Native Americans continue living in relative harmony with Mother Earth, especially after the southwestern tribes discover peyote, otherwise known as Nature’s Vicodin. (They’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name…)

1492: Christopher Columbus gets top billing for the discovery of America, even though he really didn’t and it’s highly possible that he never even set foot in what would become the United States. (Perhaps he had a vision about the eventual Trump Administration and he wanted no part of that?) He doesn’t hang around, either, only staying long enough to make a proclamation that every town in America should build an elementary school in his honor.

1620: The Pilgrims slam into Plymouth Rock, a forerunner to the Exxon Valdez disaster centuries later. They break bread with local Native Americans and share the same table, a forerunner to Thanksgiving, and it can be argued that this is the last time the invading white people did right by the people who already lived here.

1692: The Salem Witch Trials begin, the forerunner of the McCarthy Hearings in the 1950s and the creation of Fox News in 1996.

1773: The Boston Tea Party takes place, wherein colonists hurl vast amounts of tea into the harbor to protest the fact that they don’t have basic human rights under British rule. (Said British should have known right there and then that something was fundamentally wrong with the psychological makeup of the colonists, wantonly destroying tea in such a manner.) This development should not be confused with the founding in 2010 of the Tea Party, a political movement protesting the fact that basic human rights should not be given to people who are not white or straight.

1776: The Continental Congress issues a Declaration of Independence. Most of the colonists in the newly-formed country remain unaware of this development for years, as Twitter hadn’t yet been invented…

1814: The British invade the young nation and burn down the White House, still bitter about that sacrilegious business with the tea. Dolly Madison, wife of the current president, escapes said White House whilst clutching a painting of George Washington. This valiant bit of athleticism eventually results in the founding of a pastry consortium in her honor.

1861: The Civil War begins in America. And it’s never really ended…

1865: Abraham Lincoln makes a poor decision about the evening’s entertainment. (“Hey, Mary Todd, there’s a new play opening at Ford’s Theater. Should we give it a run?”)

1898: William Randolph Hearst, extremely wealthy and owner of a massive publishing empire, uses his newspapers to tell outright lies that will eventually lead to the United States declaring war on another country for no valid reason. Sound familiar? Can you say Rupert Murdoch?

1920: American women gain the right to vote, a development that is still not recognized by the Republican Party.

1920: Prohibition begins, wherein Americans are essentially forbidden to drink alcohol. It takes 13 years for the law to be repealed and the laughter to die down.

1941: America enters World War II, far later than it should have because of isolationist policies at the time. Those same policies are being trumpeted by the current Trump Administration, which fails to realize that we are now a global community, and that community can carry on without us if we don’t want to play nice.

1965: The founder of Bonnywood Manor is born. No one pays any attention, leading to said founder scribbling invectives in his many journals, a practice that he will continue when WordPress is eventually founded many decades later.

1973: The American Psychiatric Association issues a resolution that homosexuality is not a mental illness or sickness. Sadly, many bigoted people have still not received the memo, resulting in a plethora of Broadway musicals wherein proudly-sparkled dancers perform choreographic tributes to the freedom of embracing who you are.

1974: Richard Nixon resigns rather than face impeachment. Those who do not learn from history will eventually become future Republican candidates…

1983: The founder of Bonnywood Manor graduates from high school. No one pays any attention. The angst festers…

1985: Austrian rock singer Falco records… (I just had to throw this in for those who love obscure music trivia.)

1988: “Roseanne” premieres on American television. We thought she was just being funny, then. Now we know that she really has a problem with people who are different from her.

1998: “Will & Grace” premieres, and now we know that most Americans do not have a problem with difference. We just need to change the way politicians are elected in this country so the true spirit of the nation is reflected. (“We hold these truths to be self-evident…”)

2000: The world did not end because of Y2K. Yay.

2001: The world ended for far too many people on 9/11. My mind still reels, that day, that madness, the way in which the country fractured on the proper response.

2008: America elects its first black president, although you wouldn’t know it by the way a certain political party tried to invalidate every step he took. Still, done deal, and we can do it again, once we finally manage to shove aside the after-effects of the first orange president (impeached twice!) and all his lying little minions.

2015: The founder of Bonnywood Manor retires, hoping to write massive bestsellers in his golden years, with the giddy expectation of releasing at least one book every six months.

2021: No books have since been released, massive or otherwise. What happened to the last six years? Hmm.


Previous Note: Yes, I know I skipped over so many pivotal moments in our nation’s history. Sue me. These are just the fleeting thoughts percolating in my brain as midnight rolls past and we make another notch in the lipstick case of my homeland, if you’ll excuse the music trivia, once again…

Current Note: This post was originally shared on July 4th, 2018, as a twisted tribute to the anniversary of America’s founding. I didn’t change much. After all, we’re dealing with history here, and you can’t really jack with that, despite the delusional intentions of so many in this country who insist on denying both what happened and their participation in the happenings, then and now. Miles to go before we can dream again, but we’ll get there…


47 replies »

  1. Actually I heard that archaeologists working on North American Viking settlements have deciphered a letter from the settlers saying they were leaving because it was well into October, they hadn’t pillaged anything pumpkin spice flavoured, and clearly this place would never amount to much.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Yes, I heard about that letter as well, but I haven’t had a chance to peruse it. I understand there have been some questions concerning the authenticity of the letter, especially the discovery that a strand of DNA found on the back of the letter is a partial match to Vladimir Putin…

      Like

    • I think Joe could use some help with organizational planning, and perhaps he should be more measured with his word choices, but he truly loves the country and he means well, which are traits that simply do not exist in Trump and never will…

      Liked by 1 person

    • I actually wanted to be a teacher at one point. But I also wanted to make a decent living, and that often doesn’t happen in teaching, especially in the South. So I went with Plan B. Okay, Plan C. Fine, I eventually went with plan V…

      Like

  2. So much fodder in American history. I know it better than Canadian history. That’s a sad fact and has a lot to do with exported American TV and movies because really where else are we going to learn the stuff. Thanks for the detailed and humorous enlightenment.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Such hope and such bright promise was carried though years of our country’s ups and downs, and then the final blow. 2016. A year that goes down in infamy. And will continue to divide things further as long as that orange faced baboon (apologizes to all sensible baboons everywhere) continues to breath air. Things just have never been the same since that ‘election’ and they will never be in my cynical and jaded view of ‘life as it is now.” I’m very very glad you didn’t mention 2020. That year deserves to die in a corner, unmourned and never remembered.

    Liked by 2 people

    • I completely agree with everything you’ve just said. I try to be optimistic, but it’s disheartening when so many people are so far down the rabbit hole that we may never recover…

      Like

  4. Yeah, that Civil War is still going on. Probably doesn’t help that we romanticize it so much either.

    Hey, sorry I’ve gone so long. To make up for it, I brought you a chocolate cake I made this morning. I’ll just put it over here on your desk, Cleo said she’d keep an eye on it. Good to see you again!
    Kisses! 😘

    Liked by 2 people

    • Christi!!!

      I was on your site mere days ago, just checking for fresh fingerprints, but nope, nothing since your “needing a break” share. I shed a reminiscent tear or two, then quietly turned off the light and closed the door. But now you’re back, from outer space, and you’ve got a brand new post shining at your place! [Cue the disco music and those smooth Bonnywood dance moves you know so well.]

      So good to hear from you. And kisses right back!

      P.S. Do you think I used too many exclamation points? It’s a delicate balance, doncha know.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. The biggest invention in the last seventy years? The birth control pill. It changed society from top to bottom. So much so that it should be considered a special achievement in the Civilization series of games. No more having sex with your good lady wife as many times as you have children, then getting a mistress so your wife doesn’t die in childbirth. Birth control forced us to try to have something that is probably an oxymoron: A healthy monogamous sex life…

    Liked by 2 people

    • That’s certainly an interesting take, and one that I now realize I should have included in this Diorama of Dysfunction. And I completely agree that the birth control pill was an excellent development. So why are so many people still so invested in controlling what a woman does with her body? Hmm…

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Hm … Falco 1985? Amadeus? … How I wish America had entered WW2 right away … getting rid of the crazy little – yes, I have to admit it – Austrian guy. How much suffering could have been prevented … But, well, your crazy orange guy, lying his head off and trying to get back into the White House … that’s very concerning in today’s day and age … still hoping for the choking on a burger issue while sitting on his golden toilet …

    Liked by 2 people

    • First, yes, America should have taken a more active role sooner than it did both before and during WW2. To be fair, we were a little bit busy recovering from a tiny little thing called The Great Depression, but still. Things could have been different. And two, despite what is happening in some of the more-vicious Red States in this country, most of America wishes as well that Trump would just go away. (He doesn’t have to choke on a burger, but he does deserve jail time, and that’s good enough for me.) We’ll see what the future brings…

      Liked by 1 person

  7. 1987 – Dirty Dancing was released!
    You’re not alone in book not finishing land … It’s not the greatest place to be. A friend told me, painters are a much better crowd than writers, as they can put a project aside for years and not get depressed about it. You can always pick up that brush again and repaint the whole canvas.
    It just doesn’t really help 🙂
    Hey, I challenge you — you finish one before I do!

    Liked by 2 people

      • Fantastic! It’s on! I’m only 60 pages into my manuscript, aiming at at least 120 for a decent book for kids. With some chapters I’m close to happy, most of it is still in a first draft state.
        (I only have one writing friend whom I call every 6 weeks. Somehow that really helps.)
        Let’s do this! Good luck 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

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