Whoopi: “Hello?”
Voice on phone: “Yes, could I speak to the lady of the house?”
Whoopi: “We don’t have a lady of the house. We have a wretched, spoiled woman with no soul or sense of shame.”
Voice: “Perfect! That’s just the type of person that interests me.”
Wretched Woman, hollering from upstairs because she also has no sense of couth: “Whoopi! My bathwater has gone cold. Come run me some more hot.”
Whoopi, covering the mouthpiece: “I’ll be right there.” Uncovering: “I absolutely cannot stand her. If I take the phone to her, will you make her suffer in some way?”
Voice: “That’s my specialty. This is the devil.”
Whoopi: “The devil? As in THE devil? Brimstone and hellfire all that mess?”
Voice: “In the rotted flesh.”
Whoopi: “Oh. Well, then. I didn’t realize you literally made house calls.”
Voice: “It’s part of our outreach program. We’ve had to adjust our marketing strategy lately to keep up with all the social medias and whatnot.”
Whoopi: “Good to know. Say, while I’ve got you on the phone, could you take a look in your files and see how I’m doing with my own life? It’ll help me with my monthly budget planning if I know where I’m headed.”
Voice, shuffling papers: “Sure. I just happen to have your file right here and… let’s see… oh, honey, you’re just fine. I smell some pearly gates for you, girl!”
Whoopi, beaming: “Hallelujah! Wait, did that come across as offensive. I don’t mean to be rude.”
Voice: “Oh, don’t worry about it. You win some, you lose some. Besides, my relationship with the Celestial Clan has been blown out of proportion. We’re actually pretty tight. I just played golf with Jesus the other day.”
Whoopi: “Really? And how did that go?”
Voice: “He cheated a little bit. I know he moved his marker on the ninth hole. But I’ve done worse. He’s a good guy. We just have different corporate sponsors.”
Wretched Woman, hollering again: “Whoopi! I told you that my water is cold. Get your ass up here! And bring me another pitcher of martinis.”
Whoopi: “I am so glad you called.”
Voice: “The pleasure is all mine, trust me. Now, let’s kick this off. Just walk upstairs and hand her the extension. I’ll take it from there.”
Whoopi: “Got it. Give me just a sec.”
Voice: “And Whoopi?”
Whoopi: “Yes, Devil Man?”
Voice: “Just for the record, Jesus and I talked about this in the 19th Hole Bar. Neither one of us wants Donald Trump to win anything, ever again. Spread the word.”
Previously published, minimally modified. Yes, I realize that this actress is not actually Whoopi Goldberg. It’s Butterfly McQueen (“Gone with the Wind”) in an uncredited role in “Mildred Pierce”. But the resemblance to a younger Whoopi is startling, no? Or is it just me? (“I’m a little black woman in a big silver box!” Name the movie.)
Categories: Past Imperfect
Bonnywood Manor 
I feel the need for a sequel.
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I want an entire series.
👍
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Ha ha for sure.
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Ohhhh… a series, eh? Don’t tempt me. You know I might just do it… 😉
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I know you could do it. 😜
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The Devil has an Outreach program? That’s a scary thought.
Things are looking down when Belial gives you a bell.
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Of course there’s a Belial Outreach Program. The chapter here in America is known as “Fox News”. Have you heard of such, by chance?
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So you are telling me I can’t rely on Hannity chapter and verse? Have I been led astray by false prophets? I … I… I’m stunned. Shocked and stunned.
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love the conclusion they came to in the bar
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As history has shown, it’s generally not the gods who are messy. It’s the people who misunderstand the stone tablets sent by the gods… 😉
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Hallelujah. Seconded.
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Let us now sing a song of praise. And keep passing around that all-important offering plate…
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I hope the Voice is right about Donald.
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You and me both, mmm hmm….
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You’ve outdone yourself with this one. I chortled heartedly … and that rarely happens these days. You also made me do a double take. Butterfly and Whoopi. Who knew?
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Every once in a while, I get it just right, if I may be so bold. And to be honest, I’d forgotten all about this one, and I only found it last night whilst looking for something else. That’s the joy of having thousands of little stories in my files, little treasures that I can find years later… 😉
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Jumping Jack Flash. I had an obsession with Whoopi films in the past. ‘Burglar’ was the only one I ever saw Bobcat Goldthwaite (or however you spell his name) in, which I didn’t end up wanting to kick that idiot in his berries.. Jumping Jack Flash was another and I’ve seen it perhaps a dozen times. It’s classic to people with my sense of humor. Now do you suppose Ms. Butterfly is some distant relative of Ms. Whoopi? Whose real name isn’t “Whoopi” but there’s some complicated reason why she’s got the handle now.
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I responded to your comment but it went to the bottom. I sometimes don’t get WP.
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I love me some Whoopi (real name Caryn), though I don’t always love her movie choices. (There were a few clunkers in there, gotta admit.) But “Jumpin” and “Burglar” are both full-on hoots, especially when you’re in the right frame of mind. Partner and I are constantly quoting those movies.
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On your game today!
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Thank you, sir!
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Yes, Jumping Jack Flash! Loved, loved it! 🙂
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Whoopi getting her Tina Turner dress caught in the paper shredder? OMG! So many laugh-out-loud scenes in that movie…
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Lucifer and Jesus in a conflab about the anointed … er … disappointed one? I knew there was something about those two. 😉
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There’s ALWAYS something about religious figures, and entire nations often go to war over that something and end up proving nothing… 😉
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So true.
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I googled “whatnot” and it is a word not a typo. I am so astonished. It is actually quite a complicated word with layered meanings. What movie is this? I always wonder where you get your hands on these mysterious black and white photos. I have several theories…
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Yep, it’s a real word, and it’s one of my favorite “go-to” words, usually when I’m scribbling about a series of things and I can’t quite think of something to finish off that series…
This photo is a movie still from the 1945 version of “Mildred Pierce”. (Joan Crawford won an Oscar for her portrayal of Mildred, though I personally don’t think she deserved it, not for THIS movie. She’s been better in others.)
As for where I get the photos, I generally just go out on the internet and use keywords that will hopefully direct me toward vintage movie photos. I often find photos that have nothing to do with movies (search engines can be tricky things), but those accidental discoveries often lead to fascinating photos. I usually know right away if I can use a photo or not. Something just speaks to me, and I immediately save the photo to my story-ideas folder…
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Boom! Unbelievable this one
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Thank you muchly! I think it’s fair to say that I have far more fun with twisted dialogue than one should be allowed to have… 😉
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It was totally immersive this story, utterly captivated me!
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