Past Imperfect

Past Imperfect – #568


Whoopi: “Hello?”

Voice on phone: “Yes, could I speak to the lady of the house?”

Whoopi: “We don’t have a lady of the house. We have a wretched, spoiled woman with no soul or sense of shame.”

Voice: “Perfect! That’s just the type of person that interests me.”

Wretched Woman, hollering from upstairs because she also has no sense of couth: “Whoopi! My bathwater has gone cold. Come run me some more hot.”

Whoopi, covering the mouthpiece: “I’ll be right there.” Uncovering: “I absolutely cannot stand her. If I take the phone to her, will you make her suffer in some way?”

Voice: “That’s my specialty. This is the devil.”

Whoopi: “The devil? As in THE devil? Brimstone and hellfire all that mess?”

Voice: “In the rotted flesh.”

Whoopi: “Oh. Well, then. I didn’t realize you literally made house calls.”

Voice: “It’s part of our outreach program. We’ve had to adjust our marketing strategy lately to keep up with all the social medias and whatnot.”

Whoopi: “Good to know. Say, while I’ve got you on the phone, could you take a look in your files and see how I’m doing with my own life? It’ll help me with my monthly budget planning if I know where I’m headed.”

Voice, shuffling papers: “Sure. I just happen to have your file right here and… let’s see… oh, honey, you’re just fine. I smell some pearly gates for you, girl!”

Whoopi, beaming: “Hallelujah! Wait, did that come across as offensive. I don’t mean to be rude.”

Voice: “Oh, don’t worry about it. You win some, you lose some. Besides, my relationship with the Celestial Clan has been blown out of proportion. We’re actually pretty tight. I just played golf with Jesus the other day.”

Whoopi: “Really? And how did that go?”

Voice: “He cheated a little bit. I know he moved his marker on the ninth hole. But I’ve done worse. He’s a good guy. We just have different corporate sponsors.”

Wretched Woman, hollering again: “Whoopi! I told you that my water is cold. Get your ass up here! And bring me another pitcher of martinis.”

Whoopi: “I am so glad you called.”

Voice: “The pleasure is all mine, trust me. Now, let’s kick this off. Just walk upstairs and hand her the extension. I’ll take it from there.”

Whoopi: “Got it. Give me just a sec.”

Voice: “And Whoopi?”

Whoopi: “Yes, Devil Man?”

Voice: “Just for the record, Jesus and I talked about this in the 19th Hole Bar. Neither one of us wants Donald Trump to win anything, ever again. Spread the word.”


Previously published, minimally modified. Yes, I realize that this actress is not actually Whoopi Goldberg. It’s Butterfly McQueen (“Gone with the Wind”) in an uncredited role in “Mildred Pierce”. But the resemblance to a younger Whoopi is startling, no? Or is it just me? (“I’m a little black woman in a big silver box!” Name the movie.)


33 replies »

    • Every once in a while, I get it just right, if I may be so bold. And to be honest, I’d forgotten all about this one, and I only found it last night whilst looking for something else. That’s the joy of having thousands of little stories in my files, little treasures that I can find years later… 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  1. Jumping Jack Flash. I had an obsession with Whoopi films in the past. ‘Burglar’ was the only one I ever saw Bobcat Goldthwaite (or however you spell his name) in, which I didn’t end up wanting to kick that idiot in his berries.. Jumping Jack Flash was another and I’ve seen it perhaps a dozen times. It’s classic to people with my sense of humor. Now do you suppose Ms. Butterfly is some distant relative of Ms. Whoopi? Whose real name isn’t “Whoopi” but there’s some complicated reason why she’s got the handle now.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I googled “whatnot” and it is a word not a typo. I am so astonished. It is actually quite a complicated word with layered meanings. What movie is this? I always wonder where you get your hands on these mysterious black and white photos. I have several theories…

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yep, it’s a real word, and it’s one of my favorite “go-to” words, usually when I’m scribbling about a series of things and I can’t quite think of something to finish off that series…

      This photo is a movie still from the 1945 version of “Mildred Pierce”. (Joan Crawford won an Oscar for her portrayal of Mildred, though I personally don’t think she deserved it, not for THIS movie. She’s been better in others.)

      As for where I get the photos, I generally just go out on the internet and use keywords that will hopefully direct me toward vintage movie photos. I often find photos that have nothing to do with movies (search engines can be tricky things), but those accidental discoveries often lead to fascinating photos. I usually know right away if I can use a photo or not. Something just speaks to me, and I immediately save the photo to my story-ideas folder…

      Like

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