Past Imperfect

Past Imperfect – #362

That wicked crafting tool makes another appearance…

Theresa: “Okay, I finally finished up on this homemade valentine that you insisted I make for your husband and… are you even listening to me?”

Marlene: “Of course I’m listening to you, darling, I’m just not looking at you.”

Theresa: “You don’t think that’s rude? I spent all day working on this thing and I burned my ass twice with that dang glue gun. Why can’t you even look at me?”

Marlene: “Well, I initially turned away because I didn’t want to lose an eye to that exuberant headgear you’re wearing. And now I can’t turn back because I just spotted my husband doing something unworthy of a valentine.”

Theresa: “He’s always doing something unworthy. What is it this time?”

Marlene: “He’s on the back patio with the gardener.”

Theresa: “That doesn’t seem to so bad. There are some bushes around this house that could use a trim.”

Marlene: “They’re both naked.”

Theresa: “Oh. Well, that happens all the time. Wait. I thought you knew that your husband only married you for your money.”

Marlene: “It hadn’t actually crossed my mind. But it certainly has now. I guess I won’t be needing that valentine anymore. So sorry you went to all the trouble.”

Theresa: “Fine. I’ll go throw it in the trash, along with my hopes and dreams. And I’m sorry you didn’t know that Hugo played for the other team. I actually feel a little bit bad about hating you for being so bitter and mean all the time.”

Marlene: “I suppose I have been a bit surly. But surely you understand that it’s been rather unsatisfying waiting five years to consummate my wedding day.”

Theresa: “Hold up, girl. Five years? And it didn’t cross your mind?”

Marlene: “I just thought he was a slow learner.”

Theresa: “Honey, that’s just sad in all kinds of ways. Now I really feel bad. Maybe you shouldn’t eat those bonbons I made this afternoon.”

Marlene: “But I need some comfort food. This is a very trying time.”

Theresa: “Yeah, well, I put Ex-Lax in them after the second time I burned my ass with the glue gun.” 

Previously published, tiny changes. Thanks to haoyando for triggering my memory of this story in the archives…

26 replies »

  1. Theresa’s name might have been Shirley. Too many puns so you’re still the master- thank you for the laugh.

    Marlene’s just a tight ass dummy. She couldn’t see that coming around the nut house if she caught him with a 5 gallon drum of Gun Oil.

    Liked by 1 person

    • To be fair, in my younger, clueless days, I also would look the other way when I suspected something was not quite right with my current paramour, waiting in vain for any scrap of attention. Then again, I didn’t have the money that Marlene did and couldn’t afford any life-changing therapy. So I guess it’s still all on Marlene, in the end. Not that she was getting any there, so to speak… 😉


  2. It might not have crossed her MIND, but I BET her legs were tired from being crossed. A girl (well…woman) can only take so much anticipation. I suspect that gardener cleaned up both ways! Women are always a sucker
    ( 😆 ) for muscle bound men with pointy instruments, who smell vaguely of good honest sweat, a touch of gun oil and some desperation. I bet he was very well compensated too..

    Liked by 1 person

    • I think you’re right, with the gardener cleaning up in numerous ways. (Maybe that’s why Theresa’s headgear is so perky? (She done took some “special” breaks here and there, and there was no crossing involved, no sir.) Perhaps the best way to survive being the hired help is to bang a gong whenever possible…


  3. Marlene is a patient girl, that’s for sure.
    I wasn’t going to admit this, but I feel safe here…. I thought Marlene was Lucille Ball. I feel like I lost serious movie cred with that admission, but there it is.
    Side note, I’m certain Lucille Ball would not be so patient.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Well, one has to ask: Were Marlene and Lucille ever seen in the same room together? I don’t recall such, so you might be on to something with this Michael/Janet Jackson angle. I’ll see what I can dig up…

      And yes, you are always safe here. And warmly welcomed…

      Liked by 1 person

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