Past Imperfect

Past Imperfect – #381

Humphrey Bogart, left: “I told you to stop arguing with me. Don’t you understand that I have a gun pointed at you?”

Bette Davis, right: “But that’s what I’m talking about. I can’t take that gun seriously. Did you steal it from one of the munchkins in The Wizard of Oz? I have hair barrettes that could do more damage.”

Leslie Howard, middle: “Bette, let’s not antagonize the man. He has hair like James Dean will eventually have, so you know he has issues. And he hasn’t shaved, which really accents his jaw… his manly jaw and… what were we talking about?”

Humphrey: “Both of you need to shut up. I just renewed my contract with Warner Brothers so I’m not the one that’s going to die in this scene.”

Bette: “I’m not scared of you. I just won my first Oscar, bitch.”

Leslie: “Well, I’m scared, Mr. Jaw Man. Should I give you my phone number so we can talk about it? Perhaps later tonight, over a glass of wine”

Humphrey: “Aw, screw it. I’m done with the both of you. I’m just gonna go over here and wait for Lauren Bacall to get discovered.”

Bette: “Hold up. You can’t just belch your way in here and threaten everybody with a party favor and then not follow through. If you really want to win that Oscar, somebody has to die in this scene.”

Leslie: “Now, Bette. Winning awards isn’t all that important. Possibly dying before I officially come out of the closet? That ranks a bit higher. Let’s not be so pushy with James Dean.”

Humphrey: “Both of you are insane.”

Bette: “Oh, that’s another way to win an Oscar. Maybe we can make some script changes. Where’s the screenwriter?”

Leslie: “He clearly gave up on this post about three lines ago and is just letting it drift back into harbor on its own.”

Humphrey: “Doesn’t he always?” 

Previously published, modified somewhat, including a throw-away Star Wars tribute in the new post-script that will only be meaningful to a select few. Actually, the whole post-script is brimming with one-offs. And if I’m being completely honest, I don’t even remember writing this one, originally. I just snatched it up and ran with it. Such are the joys of extensive archives. And an increasingly-addled brain…

Humphrey’s Hair: “I can buff the chrome off a trailer hitch.”

Leslie and His Hair: “I can never compete with that, with my limpid and overly-greased mess. I’ll just have to prove my worth with another part of my body. Did someone mention a trailer hitch?”

Bette’s Hair Ribbon: “I’m having a hard time staying tied with the pressure from this enormous ego I’m wrapped around.”

Bette’s Hairy Ego: “I fully intend on world domination, thank you for asking. Nothing can stop me now!”

The Party Favor: “Pew pew!”

Out-of-View Camera Guy: “Hey, what was that? Did you feel a something whizzing in the air?”

Phil Collins: “I can feel it coming.”

Tallulah Bankhead: “I haven’t felt anything since 1922.”

Cher: “Me neither! But I can still belt the hell out of a song. Stand back.”

Stevie Nicks: “Hey, that’s my song. I always knew you were a tramp and a thief. But I’m still the gypsy.”

Movie Producer, stomping on the set and zipping up his pants whilst a production assistant discreetly flees to the Green Room for some couture adjustment and reapplication of lip gloss: “Okay, the twisted movie trivia was bad enough, but now we’re bringing in music trivia as well? This is out of control.”

Peter Schilling: “Ground control to Major Tom…”

Movie Producer: “Okay, I’m outta here. Somebody call me when the madness stops.”

No one ever called. Because this is Bonnywood. Pew pew!

29 replies »

  1. ah yes, so many doors opened to so many possible comments better left unsaid. Always enjoy the visit to Bonnywood, even with and when dealing with pew pewing party favors. Annd just in case WordPress refuses to recognize me its Rebecca Revels

    Liked by 1 person

  2. 🤣😆 Pew pew???! Oh heck! 😆🤣🤣 Tiny little actress whose name I don’t recall, but who went by the long-ass (bigger than her actually) nom-de-plume on screen of “Bernadette”. No not Peters, the OTHER ;one.. blonde, teeny tiny, actually took to that pervert repressed little Jewish fellow on “The Big Bang Theory”. Ah, you see her now. Pew pew. … said Bernadette. I have an AK-47 and it makes old Humphry’s piece over there look like the toy it really is!! pew pew pew!! (this is the noise girly girls (some of them) make when mimicking “shooting noises”. And Nancy Sinatra, in a flashback that wasn’t strictly necessary, but you opened them musical gates: “♪♫♪ Bang Bang!! (pew pew) My baby shot me down… ♪♫♪” Cher and Stevie remained appalled.

    Liked by 3 people

    • THIS right here is why we are officially siblings, despite what important legal documentation might say. I was completely with you on this entire ride, pinballing with every reference. So this means that either we are both supremely talented and witty or we both need to speak to a pharmacist concerning various prescriptions we might need. In either case, it’s all good… 😉


  3. Ashley–I mean Leslie–is always going to lose his woman to the manlier man. Although my rattled memory did blend him with David Niven’s Edgar Linton in Wuthering Heights–Dave’s another milquetoast. At least Dave and Les both managed to leave their names attached to the Scarlet Pimpernel. And I know far too well how quickly that comment will lead people’s minds down the wrong path. J.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yes, the Scarlet comment is tempting me greatly, but I’ll play nice. For once.

      Okay, maybe not. To this day, I still don’t understand casting Leslie as Ashley. It did not work on so many levels, especially with critical plot points. Of course, it was a different time, then, with innocence abounding. Imagine how GWTW would have played if there had been an undercurrent of Ashley wanting Rhett? Puts a whole new spin on the burning of Atlanta…

      Liked by 1 person

    • Your comments always make me feel special, like it’s my debutante ball at a Southern Gothic Plantation. But then that wretched Bette Davis shows up, with her furtive eyes, and I begin to suspect someone is dead somewhere in the many rooms of Melodrama Manor and I will somehow be blamed for the malfeasance… 😉


  4. I remember seeing The Petrified Forest a couple years ago for the first time – I was gobsmacked at how incredibly handsome Bogart was in that film! It almost seemed like later he was replaced by a more successful and rather more trashed double!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Agreed. There may have been a bait-and-switch with Bogart. For me, the same can be said concerning Clark Gable. He was fetchingly steamy in his early pics. (Exhibit A: 1932’s “Red Dust”, with Jean Harlow.) But by his later movies? Not so much.

      Liked by 1 person

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