Past Imperfect

Past Imperfect – #216

Producer: “I just want to know what drugs you were taking when you came up with this promo shot. Because I want to make sure that I never take them myself.”

PR Consultant: “But, isn’t this movie about a lost Italian princess who falls in love with Frosty the Snowman?”

Producer: “Well, yes, Fire and Ice is about a forbidden dalliance between a disinherited heiress and a three-balled man, but this shot does not say that. This shot says Hannibal Lecter is on the loose in the Himalayas.”

PR Consultant: “Hannibal? Didn’t he do something with elephants?”

Producer: “Not that Hannibal. This Hannibal does something with corpses and fava beans. It doesn’t matter, as you won’t read about him for another 50 years. It’s just that I can see the future. And in your future, I’m seeing unemployment unless you can come up with something drastically better than what appears to be Joan Crawford in snowman drag violating a cast member from The Real Wives of Tibet.”

PR Consultant: “Okay. I’ll have something new for you in the morning. It will have to be something new, because Joan has already started making her next film, Whatever Happened to My Estrogen?, and she’s unavailable.”

Producer: “It’s probably a good thing that she has moved on. Now get out of my office before my mood stabilizers start to thin. Oh, and one more thing…”

PR Consultant: “Aw hell.”

Producer: “What you show me in the morning better not include the wretched hat that the Dorothy character is wearing. Life is too short to have to look at something like that twice.”

PR Consultant: “But Dorothy wears that hat in a very critical scene in the movie, when she finds out that her beloved is frigid in more ways than one.”

Producer: “I don’t care and I control the money. The fuzzy dangle-bob beret has to go. Speaking of dangling Bobs, the director should hit the door as well. Why don’t you give him the good news on your way out?”

PR Consultant: “But…”

Producer: “Did I mention that I control the money?”

PR Consultant: “Got it. I’ll send him a text and then block him.”

Producer: “You just might have a future at Warning Brothers after all.”

Previously published, mildly manipulated. And yes, I realize there are many more unsettling aspects about this creepy photo that I failed to mention. (What IS that thing on Joan Snowford’s head?) But there’s only so much time in the day and sometimes we just have to move on…

27 replies »

  1. Look, that rather alarming snow-beast did not come from up here. Our snow people look like people (a lot of the time, they ARE people, since falling down and becoming doused in snow is a common occurrence). That thing looks like the Pillsbury corpse-boy.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Oh, come on. You know you would build a snowman, if given the chance. Of course, post-building, you would probably cook the startled snowman for dinner, using an ancient recipe you discovered during your time in Syria. But that’s another matter entirely, of course…

      Liked by 1 person

  2. As Rivergirl put it so eloquently, there’s nothing much for me to say (like that ever stopped me). I will say that whatever that thing is that’s trying to grope the frigid in the future Ms. Crawford (Snowford? Clever), it’s lucky to have gotten within fifteen yards of a human. That thing would provide nightmares for the most cynical child or grownup or hell anybody… save the REAL Hannibal Lecter perhaps. Fava beans? I don’t remember those… but I have tried, semi-successfully too, to erase all evidence of ever having heard of “Silence of the Lambs” and all that mess. I have enough gore in my psyche without adding that kind of stuff.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’ll agree that this is, perhaps, one of the most disturbing photos I have ever shared, even more shocking than the image of me in the eighth grade, all frizzy-haired and devoid of any clue about personal appearance. (In my defense, I was just happy to be alive and not a domestic-violence statistic.)

      But “Silence of the Lambs”? The movie was disturbing enough, but it doesn’t hold a candle to the nightmares the book invoked in me. The author, Thomas Harris, took us so deep into the mind of a psychotic that we didn’t know if we would ever make our way out of there…

      Liked by 1 person

      • I actually read two of that guy’s books – “Silence” and “Red Dragon”. Red Dragon was, in some ways, worse than “Silence.” I do NOT recommend it. And you’re right. How far into the mind of a psychotic can a person go without becoming psychotic themselves? Creepy author….

        Liked by 1 person

  3. This makes me very happy that we rarely have snow and even more rare to have enough to create any sort of snow creature. After seeing this though, if we DO happen to have any of the frozen stuff this will be the first image that pops up in my head..

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I googled “Joan Snowford” and she really exists. Otherwise, I would have thought you did that photo yourself–I mean hire an actress and a photographer. Is that snowman or a man in white fluffy outfit?

    Liked by 1 person

    • Wait, “Joan Snowford” is an actual person? I was just being whimsical with the names in my little story. Perhaps I should consider a career change and become a psychic? No, that sounds like too much work.

      As for who actually created the photo, I’ll have to speak with my lawyer before I reveal anything. I’ll get back to you… 😉


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