Past Imperfect

Past Imperfect – #458


Perfume bottle on the left: “Oh, God, she’s doing it again.”

Powder puff on the right: “I feel your pain. All we want is to just sit on this table in peace and hope that nobody knocks our asses to the floor where we shatter into a thousand pieces. Who does she think she is, coming in here and turning on the lights and moaning in pleasure as she grooms herself.”

Perfume: “Well, we’ve never been formally introduced, even though she womanhandles me all the time and makes me spritz on her erogenous points, but I think her name is Jean.”

Puff: “She abuses me as well, slapping me against her face repeatedly without even asking if that’s something I might want to do.”

Perfume: “Should we report her to our union? Beauty Enhancers Local 172? This situation certainly appears ripe for litigation.”

Puff: “I think you might be right. Fight for freedom! Then again, if we win the case and she has to go away, who is going to visit us every morning and sing little ditties about self-love and the tremendous amounts of cash that can be gained by appearing in moving pictures?”

Perfume: “Hmm. You have a point. And are we really qualified to do anything else other than sit on vanities and wait for women, and a certain contingent of men, to remember that we exist and then use us to make themselves feel better about their ongoing decay?”

Puff: “Agreed. We have limited career opportunities, especially since we both failed typing in high school. Those people with hands just don’t understand how good they have it. Maybe we should make the best of it?”

Perfume: “So you’re saying that we should be content to admire the beauty of others and quietly feel sorry for ourselves instead of striving to succeed regardless of what we might look like or what our chances might be?”

Puff: “Isn’t that the American way? Giving up without trying and then blaming everyone else?”

Jean: “Both of you are fools. Suck it up and do what you need to do. And by the way, I have replacements for both of you in my spacious walk-in closet.”

Perfume: “Wow, she can hear what we’re saying and she’s not impressed.”

Puff: “Which is exactly what lots of folks on social media tend to forget. If you throw it out there, don’t be surprised when it boomerangs.” 


Previously published, mildly modified. And then extended, as in the following update…


Later that night, same vanity table, swathed in moonlight from a nearby window…

Perfume: “Psst. Puff? You still awake?”

Puff: “I was about to drift off but that angle is dead now, thanks to you. This better be good.”

Perfume: “Well, the Grooming Lady got me to thinking. If she can buy things to make her feel pretty, then we should, too.”

Puff: “But we don’t have any money. And we still don’t have any hands. Can you smell the potholes in your vision?”

Perfume: “But we can steal the money. Grooming Lady has tons of it and she’ll never notice.”

Puff: “I don’t know. That doesn’t sound like the right thing to do.”

Perfume: “You need to think outside of your round box. It’s the American way, to take what isn’t yours when others aren’t looking.”

Puff: “No, that’s the Republican way.”

Suddenly, the room was filled with light as Jean entered, slapping at a switch. “Both of you freeze.”

Both of them did, mainly because they were inanimate objects.

Jean: “I’ve been listening to your conversation over the microphone I hid in the hand mirror that no one has talked about but it’s clearly right there on the table. I have a good idea what’s happening here, but I’ll give each of you an equal chance to explain, because that’s the Democratic way. State your case in one sentence.”

Perfume: “You are the prettiest woman in the world and I would do anything you ask of me, Donald. I mean, Jean. And everything anyone has ever said about my past actions is fake news.”

Puff: “I’m sorry if I have done something you didn’t like and I hope that we can work together in the future.”

Jean: “Perfume, you used three sentences in your statement, clearly breaking the rules and not caring, which is also the Republican way.” She marched to the table, snatched up Perfume, and hurled his ass into the trashcan, wherein he did, indeed, break into a thousand pieces, because Big Lies can’t withstand the pressure of strong revelations.

Puff: “Thank you.”

Jean: “No worries, dear. You were never in any jeopardy, because anyone who tries to do the right thing is good by me, even if they don’t quite get there. I just wish the Big Lying Politicians in Congress could be thrown in the trash as easily. Long road to travel before we sweep. Now, you have a good night and we’ll bond again in the morning.”

She clicked off the light.


22 replies »

      • That could work. The plot possibilities are endless. ‘Ze detective knew he could break ze case if he followed ‘is nose.’ Ze hint of guilt hung lingeringly over Yvette as she held ze blood-spattered perfume spritzer in her trembling hand… Amelie hated her stuck-up snooty boss, and her job as a perfume mixer stunk to high heaven too…. Mme Blanc in le bureau with le scented candélbré…

        Liked by 1 person

  1. I like to think I can hear conversations in the minds of my dogs, one cat that isn’t mine, and my granddaughter who is 2.
    But your imagination puts me to shame. You hear the conversation of inanimate objects.
    Brilliant Brian, plus I love your politics. Onward.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. There’s a small part of me that still believes that not ALL Republicans are horrible. The Cult Of Donald has most of them by the genitals (his self-stated M.O.) but Liz Cheney gives me hope.

    I do NOT believe we have a trashcan big enough to dump them all into. I don’t think Gaia would even accept them in a landfill

    Liked by 3 people

    • I do feel a tinge of guilt sometimes when I lump all Republicans together. In fact, I used to make sure that I distinguished between Republicans and Trumpicans. But lately, you have to look long and hard to find anyone in the GOP (at least among politicians) who hasn’t completely devoted themselves to Trump’s twisted, dangerous ego and his vision of autocratic America. Cheney is one, Kinzinger is another. It’s just sad, because some of these politicians have GOT to know better, in their hearts, but they are willing to give it all up for one man who would quickly throw them under the bus for the tiniest hint of disloyalty…

      Liked by 2 people

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