Past Imperfect

Past Imperfect – #446

Ernie: “Well, would you look at that. Those fancy Hollywood reporters are following us into the woods cuz they think we’re somethin’ special.”

Addie Mae: “Sugar, they ain’t reporters. Them are dentists lookin’ for some revenue cuz Obamacare says they got to do some actual work if they want to get paid.”

Ernie: “I don’t understand what you’re sayin’, Addie Mae. Why they think there’s some work around here?”

Addie Mae: “Sugar, I love ya to death. But you gotta gap that could rip a horseshoe off a stallion.”

Ernie: “That ain’t fair, you makin’ fun a my gap. A lotta famous people have gaps. Like that one singer, what’s her face, she only got one word in her name.”

Addie Mae: “You mean Cher? That trashy one so proud a her belly button and whips her hair around like a combine that got too much oil in her engine?”

Ernie: “No, the other trashy one. Named after that woman they talk about over to the Baptist Church, the Baby Momma of Jesus or somethin’ like that.”

Addie Mae: “You talkin’ ‘bout Madonna?”

Ernie: “That’s it. She gotta a gap.”

Addie Mae: “She gotta gap, alright. It was right there in the centerfold of that nasty ‘Sex’ book she shoved in our faces in the 90s. Don’t nobody wanna look at her butterchurn.”

Ernie: “Well, Clinton was president back then. You know he wanted to look. Maybe she wanted to sing at the White House, can’t blame her for puttin’ the good stuff in the front window. And I wanted to look, too, and I did, even if I told you I didn’t.”

Addie Mae: “Why, Ernie Tennessee Ford, you got some gall. I’ve a right mind to put you out this car and make you walk back to Cricker Holler.”

Ernie: “Girl, this is my car, long as it keeps runnin’. Anybody gonna be walkin’, it be you. I don’t care you got to the ninth grade and I didn’t. Sides, you ain’t all clean and pretty. You got your own lies. I know you been watchin’ those George Clooney movies late at night after I done passed out from the moonshine. I wake up sometimes and hear you tellin’ the TV you sure would like your crops to be rotated. I ain’t stupid. I’m just simple.”

Addie Mae: “Well, then, I guess we call that a draw. We both been sniffin’ at other chicken coops. Let’s wash our hands a that and get on to the next chore. You gonna get your gap fixed or not? The upper one, not the lower one. Jesus himself can’t do nothin’ about that lower one a yours. You eat beans and I gotta stay clear for a week. Can’t come near ya till the crows start flyin’ over your farm again.”

Ernie: “Why I gotta fix my gap? Don’t ya love me for who I be?”

Addie Mae: “I do love ya, Ernie. Most of the time. But that upper gap a yours gets in the way when we’re makin’ whoopee. It ain’t so much fun when my tongue gets caught in your bear trap of a mouth, especially after that last time when we had to call in your mama from the other room to help us out. She done used a pipe wrench on me, Ernie, and I think she messed somethin’ up with my tongue. I couldn’t taste pork rinds for over a week after she done that. I can’t live that kinda life.”

Ernie: “So how do we fix this? And I’m tellin’ ya right now Mama ain’t gonna give up that pipe wrench. They go way back.”

Addie Mae: “Holler at one of them Obama dentists over there and see what they can do.”

Ernie, hollerin’: “Hey, buddy. Can you do somethin’ about my gap so my woman will shut up and stop watchin’ George Clooney?”

Buddy: “That depends. Can you meet the deductible?”

Ernie: “Sure, I can meet him. Is he in the car with you?”

Addie Mae, whispering: “He ain’t talkin’ about a person. He’s talkin’ about your part of the bill.”

Ernie: “Why you gotta always show me up with your ninth-grade education?”

Addie Mae: “I don’t really have to try, honey. It just happens. Stop fussin’ and ask him if you can make payments.”

Ernie, hollerin’: “You gotta payment plan?”

Buddy: “Sure. This is America. We got all kinds a ways to pay for things you don’t really need. Let me write up a estimate and I’ll be with ya right shortly.”

Addie Mae: “I’m so proud a you, Ernie! Let me give you a big ole smooch.”

Ernie: “Hang on, now. Sure you wanna risk the bear trap?”

Addie Mae: “Knowin’ it might be the last time? I’m on it.”

The ancient car squeaks as they jostle about in preparation for a quick bit a lovin’.

Buddy, hollerin’: “Okay, it looks like your part of the bill will be five hundred dollars. Give or take.”

Ernie shoves Addie Mae back to the other side of the car, her head bangin’ up against the side winder cuz she got slow reflexes. “Five hundred dollars? That’s half a year a moonshine.”

Addie Mae: “But don’t ya love me?”

Ernie: “I surely do. But Mama’s pipe wrench is a hell a lot cheaper.”

Addie Mae, sighing: “Well, I ain’t got much choice in the matter, I guess. I suppose I could live without the taste of pork rinds. But I draw the line at the taste of fried green tomatoes. If that Mama wrench rips that out a me, you ain’t never gonna get a gander at my lower gap again.”

Ernie: “Darlin’, we got a deal.”

Buddy, hollerin’: “You talkin’ to me or the ninth-grader?”

Ernie: “We’re good here. You run on now and find somebody else gotta gap that needs plugged.”

In the nearby Saint Bessie of the Pasture convent, Sister Beulah paused her morning prayers and turned to her companion in the special side-chapel reserved for the Devout but Still Curious Supplicants. “Did you just hear something tempting on the incense-tinted wind?”

Mother Superior Twyla Sue: “Indeed I did, my child. But trust me. Buddy couldn’t fill a gap if his life depended on it. Let’s keep prayin’ for better choices in the future.”

They lowered their heads once again, another temptation survived. For now.

Prior Note: Previously published. Considerably modified and extended from the original, which was only the first four lines. As established, sometimes I can’t leave well enough alone.

New Note: More extension, with a hint of possible blasphemy. Sometimes I never learn.

Bill Clinton: “I never had sex with that woman.”

Hillary Clinton: “How did you manage to miss one?”

15 replies »

  1. Ernie (without Tennessee nor Ford, he’s a Chevy man all the way 😉 ) “That ain’t fair you makin’ fun of my gap! Lotta (you know the rest. Brian wrote the golden words first)…

    Addendum by me: Ernie (continuing): “Sides. I got me a audy dition for a new show on that there TV thing, you ‘member? The one you said won’t never catch on? Jesus didn’t approve of it. Well I’m up for a part and it’s mostly cause of my gap. So there!”
    Addie Mae Phyllis Joe: What’s the name o’ that cesspit ‘show’ of unGodliness?
    Ernie: The Howdy Doody Show! I hear tell I’m a gonna make a good 25 cents and hour! Then I kin buy you that washin’ machine you always going on about.”
    Addie & Friends: Aw Ernie. You say the sweetest thangs…

    Liked by 1 person

  2. And so it was that Ernie and Addie Mae Phyllis Joe done got hitched, they had a crop a 46 young uns afore Addie knew what hit her, and not a one a them amounted to nuthin’. But they were happy and their clothes were clean. Mostly. The end.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.