Typically, I’m not one to make resolutions for the New Year. I gave that mess up a long time ago, mainly due to my consistent serial failure with such attempts. It’s hard to predict what’s coming in any given month, never mind 12 of them, so there’s always going to be a wrench viciously tossed into the machinery of your life, with gears and sprockets flying and ineptitude quickly appearing on the horizon.
Besides, if you make things too finite, with very specific goals that are admirable and worthy, it’s simply too easy to quantify and measure your progress due to that very specificity. (And the worst thing you can do is broadcast your resolutions to the world, because somebody in your hemisphere is going to be one of these people running along behind you, waving a yardstick and checking how far you’ve made it, whining when there’s no movement.) No, it’s best to keep your destinations vague, so if you don’t cross the hazy finish line, no one is really sure if you’ve achieved your goals or not.
Still, it’s nice to have at least a minimal degree of direction in your life, if for no other reason than to know what outfit you should wear every day. (If you’re not doing anything important, why strap yourself into confining garments in the morning? Or any garments at all? It’s rather freeing watching Seinfeld reruns or vacuuming the living room whilst you can feel the breeze everywhere. Try it some time, if in doubt.) With that in mind, I’m proffering a slew of dread-o-lutions (oh, don’t turn your nose up at that fake word; we all know Merriam Webster will be adding it to their inventory, as they have clearly been approving some eyebrow-raising terms of late) that have a tinge of self-improvement but cannot be validated in an easy way. Here we go…
1. I will stop standing in front of the open fridge and taking little bites of this and that until I’m full because I’m too lazy to make an actual sit-down meal. But only on Thursdays.
2. I will actually open my bills in a timely manner instead of tossing them on my desk in the designated “I’ll get to this later” pile, with “later” translating as “oops, I just got a late notice even though I have the money to pay this thing”. But I will only open them upon arrival if the envelope smells like southern Spain during the annual Tapas and Cervezas Festival.
3. I will stop binge-watching entire seasons of shows on Hulu in one frenzied but breeze-feeling weekend. But only if they stop offering them.
4. I will strive to always keep the gas tank on my car filled to at least half-capacity so I can avoid those desperate, running-on-fumes moment when I don’t know if I can make it down the driveway, never mind to a gas station. But I will only do this if they start delivering petrol on Door Dash.
5. I will actually peruse more than just a few of the thousands of books I have downloaded to my Kindle. But only if Tom Hardy reads them to me in a breezy manner.
6. I will stop wearing the same three or four threadbare t-shirts within the same week, repeatedly, just because they give me familiar comfort and peace. But I will only do so if the Republicans stop spouting the Big Lie that gives no reasonable person comfort nor peace.
7. I will happily donate my time to the candidacy of a Democrat who truly stands for progressive values. But I will only do so if they stop this inanity of trying to work together with the Big Liars. Leave them behind, move the country forward.
8. I will stop eating more than two slices of pizza in one sitting. But only if the pieces are really big. Like, one single cut down the center of the pizza, and we’re good.
9. I will dance in the streets more often. But only if they offer free oxygen on the adjoining sidewalks. Because life is tricky when you get old enough that merely pulling up your pants in the bathroom makes one light-headed.
10. I will do my best to love people for who they are. But only if they aren’t assholes.
11. I will try to make more fresh posts at Bonnywood instead of constantly reconfiguring older posts. But I will only do so if someone pays for an assistant that I woefully need, what with all the binge-watching and the breeziness of Tom Hardy’s orations.
12. I will exercise more. But only if they come up with exercises that aren’t excruciatingly mundane and boring. I don’t want to do 200 squat thrusts. I want to thrust once and be done, said the Prince of Wales, seeking an heir.
13. I want to feel better about the things I should have done yet never did. But only if those things diminish in value, which they haven’t yet. Reflection is sometimes an unwavering bitch.
14. I will sing more often. But only if… Screw it, I’m singing more. Loudly and off-key and completely uncaring. Because if the joy is in you, there’s no reason to stifle.
15. I promise to stop putting cheese on everything that I eat. But only if they stop selling it…
16. I promise to be nicer to the idiots on the nation’s highways. But only if they close said highways to anyone else but me.
17. I will forgive those who have seriously done me wrong in the past. But only if they confess to their misdeeds in court and end up serving time in an incarceration facility of my choosing. Can we reopen Alcatraz Island? That seems fitting. Just add some more sharks in the nearby waters, should there be an escape attempt, because I’m still not over it. Bastards.
18. I will write more books. But only if I can figure out exactly what it is that I’m trying to say. Still working on that…
19. I will stop worrying so much about everything. But only if my doctor approves an increase in my medications. Because it’s very hard to have trust in others when trust is a concept that was rarely given to me…
20. I will continue to cry over-exuberantly during sappy movies that strategically hit all the right points of overblown-nostalgia, with heart-tugging and manipulative dialogue that no one actually uttered, ever, and a soundtrack loaded with flashback songs to a time that really wasn’t as satisfying as we thought it was. But only if they keep making them. And they will.
21. I will do my best to stop pointing fingers. But only if I can remember to look in the mirror first…
22. I will dream more about what we can be. But only if we can stop giving any whiff of credence to anyone who doesn’t want a better life for everyone. Shut them off and leave them behind. There’s no valid reason to give them the time of day in any way. The bad seeds can’t grow if we don’t water them with even a drop of attention. Onwards, upwards.
Care to join me? Hope so.
Categories: The Journey