Past Imperfect

Past Imperfect – #460


Monty: “Are you okay? You seem to be a bit distraught.”

Lizzie: “I’m fine. I’ve just been thinking about things and I’m a little blue.”

Monty: “Ah, so you’re aware of it as well. The stylist has given you entirely too much volume for the time period of this movie. It’s the Civil War, and Aqua Net hasn’t been invented yet.”

Lizzie: “What? Seriously, you queens get on my nerves sometimes. No, I’ve been reviewing the speed with which I’ve been flying through husbands, and there might be an issue.”

Monty: “Running out of interesting venues for your next nuptials?”

Lizzie: “No, running out of men in the Western Hemisphere who can legally participate in those nuptials. I had to marry one of them twice, what with all the supply chain issues. And then there was that wretched construction worker at the last ceremony. I was desperate!”

Monty: “I still have nightmares about his hair.”

Liz: “You? I had to sleep right next to it. I can’t tell you how many times I woke up and rang for the servants to come get the dog out of the bed, only to find out I was married to the beast. There were some nights when I only got ten hours of sleep. It was horrible!”

Monty: “Trust me, I’ve had to get a few dogs out of my own bed. But this scene is clearly all about you. How can I help in a way that doesn’t mess up my own hair?”

Liz, sighing: “I don’t know. Something has got to change. I’m too pretty to have worry lines.”

Monty: “Girl, let’s play hooky and blow this joint. These production people will still be here tomorrow. They don’t have anything else interesting to do with their lives.”

Liz: “That sounds splendid! Let’s go do something naughty but brilliant.”

Monty: “Well, we have to be careful with that angle. That’s how some of those dogs ended up in my bed. Say, maybe we could go to a gay bar. I know this festive little place in The Village where they do delightful things with ice cubes.”

Liz: “Honey, I’m already in the gay bars, everywhere. Haven’t you noticed? If I had a dollar for every drag queen that quoted my lines from ‘Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?’, I’d have enough money to… well, I probably wouldn’t notice, because I have plenty of money. But still, there’s a message in there somewhere.”

Monty: “Good point. And I don’t know if I could deal with more than one of you in the same smoke-filled room. Love ya to death, but you can be a challenge, darlin’.”

Liz: “Wait, that’s it! Let’s not be ourselves.”

Monty: “I’m not sure I follow you.”

Liz: “We can run to the costume department, put on something wretched and torn that poor people would wear, maybe something from ‘Les Miserables’ or ‘The Grapes of Wrath’ or ‘Oklahoma’. No one will know that it’s us and we can go wherever we want and not have to sign autographs. I’m so excited I could spit in the street, just like poor people do.”

Monty: “I’m not so sure you’ve thought this through. You’ve married someone from every state in the Union and at least ten foreign countries. People are going to know who you are, even if you smell like Oklahoma ignorance.”

Liz, sighing again: “Well, now I’m back to being blue again. I thought you fancy dancers were supposed to be supportive and creative of everyone’s vision.”

Monty: “Normally I am. But now that I think about it, our options do appear to be limited. Maybe we should finish this movie and then we’ll run free, after we’ve had time to plan better and figure out where your ex-husbands don’t live.”

Liz: “I suppose so. But in this next scene, you go off to war and we may never have any more scenes together.”

Monty: “The same thing is going to happen when we wrap production. We may never be cast in the same film again.”

Liz: “It’s just not fair. Being rich and famous is so wretched. The little people just don’t understand.”

Director: “And cut!”

Monty: “Wait, the cameras were still rolling?”

Director: “Of course they were. I was nursing a lovely gin and tonic and I wasn’t about to holler anything until I had conquered it. Besides, I can now use this scene to further justify why the South was destined to lose the Civil War.”

Liz: “Me and my violet eyes don’t understand.”

Director: “Just like you don’t understand matrimony? Go back and review your impromptu dialogue. White privilege, much?”

Monty: “I resent that. I’m all about diversity.”

Director: “Oh, that’s easy to say. But it’s harder to actually do something about it, and that’s where most people fail. Now, get your asses to wardrobe so we can set up the next scene, where Monty marches off to fight the Civil War. If we do things right, maybe we’ll get one step closer to finally ending a war that has been raging in this country for far too long.”

Liz: “I think you’re high-jacking what we innocently said.”

Director: “Whatever it takes, Aqua Net. Welcome to Bonnywood Productions.”


Previously published, considerably revised and extended for this post. As I fiddled with this one, I had no idea where I was going, motivated by nothing more than a sense that the original version, which was just the first few lines, needed something. It still needs some work, but I’m good for now. And for the record, I’m one of those people who are fed up with placating words that aren’t followed by definite actions. If you believe in equality for all, then you do what you can, whenever you can. Cheers.


17 replies »

  1. But is that not life in general? We start out not knowing where we are going, what ships may collide in the night and who is watching and recording..One thing in all things that is true, use enough aqua net, that hair isn’t going anywhere..

    Liked by 1 person

    • Agreed. Everything is messy and, if we’re lucky, we only manage to figure half of the things that we should.

      And that Aqua Net mess? Those old-school, ginormous purple cans were always all over the house and rolling around in the family-car floorboard, as the ladies in my youth did NOT go anywhere without a can handy… 😉

      Liked by 1 person

    • Naturally, I had a platonic gay-boy infatuation with Liz. She just had that alluring, unavoidable presence which you cannot manufacture. You either have it or you don’t. The stunning white dress she wore in “Cat on a Hot Tin Roof? That image is with me forever…

      Always blue. Always onward…

      Liked by 1 person

  2. One thing Liz did like was a standout hairstyle. This one is reasonably subtle, perhaps because Monty’s Brylcreemed slick and flick backwards effort isn’t much competition. On a further Liz-centric note; C’mon Mr Fortensky-Taylor; anyone who sports a mullet that’s more luxuriant than Miss ‘Marriage-Go-Round’ Taylor teased and curly-twirled ‘do must have an inkling that he’s made a tactical mistake there. Larry, there’s only room for one diva in this relationship, even though Liz may have told ya ‘eighth one’s the charm.’

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yet even in her mane-tamed moments, Liz would score, regardless of the competition. Sometimes the stars align, sometimes they do not, no matter what you do to alter the fate. (I don’t know about your beauty regimen, but it takes a lot of work for me to even achieve sub-par mediocrity. My stars don’t know alignment from a hole in the ground.)

      Flip side, my stars have a bit more gumption than that Fortensky mess. I googled photos of him just before posting this, just to ensure that my memory of his follicles was valid, and the returned images left me paralyzed for a minute there. I hope there were survivors in that train wreck…

      Liked by 1 person

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