Past Imperfect

Past Imperfect – #451


Cary: “You know, there are rumors about me being gay, especially when it comes to playing slap and tickle with a certain roommate I had back in the day.”

Jimmy: “Well, there are rumors about me refusing to play slap and tickle with certain socialites with far too much time on their hands. So, we’re sort of in the same boat. But your boat is apparently flying a rainbow flag. My flag still has a question mark.  I bet you have better cocktails than I have on my boat.”

Cary: “And I suppose it doesn’t help that we’re posing in matching suits. Isn’t that what the gays do, shopping at the same stores and all of them looking alike and knowing all the words to the same Broadway tunes?”

Jimmy: “I don’t know about that, at least not on the record, but you could say the same about the socialites. They all pretend to read the same books and they all know how to be extremely bitchy for no apparent reason, just like Joan Crawford and Rudy Giuliani. Besides, there’s always talk about actors in Hollywood. It’s just part of the job, like pretending that the director is actually responsible for the movie when we all know it’s the editor.”

Cary: “So you’re not worried? About what it could do for our careers? Because I really don’t relish having to get a real job and use my real name. Do you know how hard it is to be taken seriously when your name is Archibald?”

Jimmy: “I’m not worried about the rumors, no. But I am worried that we appear to be posing over the corpse of Dorothy from that ‘Wizard of Oz’ movie. This is not going to play well in the fly-over states.”

Dorothy, rousing briefly: “Auntie Em? Why are there two of you?”

Cary: “Head toward the light, honey. Head toward the light.”

Jimmy: “There’s no place like a heavily-mortgaged home!”

Dorothy slumps back into the poppy field, mumbling about munchies and a sudden yearning to listen to Pink Floyd’s “Dark Side of the Moon” and, sadly, letting loose with a bit of digestive effluvia. Three nearby munchkins stopped dancing and singing and raced off in search of their union steward, a young Randy Newman. (Munchkin #2: “I cannot work under these conditions.” Randy: “But aren’t you always working under everybody else? It’s a matter of logistics, right?”)

Cary: “Well, that bodily outburst was a bit unfortunate. Now it smells like the tabloids in here.”

Jimmy: “Yes, it’s the same fetid aroma that accompanies every story on Fox News.”

Cary: “It’s so sad what some people believe. Speaking of, what should we do about these blasphemous rumors concerning our bed partners?”

Dave Gahan, lead singer of Depeche Mode, suddenly wanders on stage and begins warbling. “People are people, so why should it be, that you and I should get along so awfully?”

Jimmy: “What the hell is he talking about?”

Cary: “Not sure. But I can promise you I never slept with him. At least not that I recall. There’s been some drinking in my life.”

Dionne Warwick, lead singer of… well, Dionne Warwick, suddenly wanders on stage and begins warbling. “What the world, needs now, is love, sweet love…”

Jimmy: “I give up. This mess is so off script at this point that I might as well fasten my seatbelt and prepare for a bumpy night.”

Dorothy, rousing briefly once again: “Auntie Em? Both of you? Why are so many people singing? I’m supposed to be the star of this show.” Clears throat. “Somewhere, over the rainbow, equality birds fly…”

Scotch the Cat suddenly wanders on stage and taps the writer on his shoulder. “Daddy? Where are you going with this piece?”

Brian: “I’m just trying to get us back to where we once belonged. Before half of this country decided that hate was the answer.”

Paul McCartney suddenly wanders on the stage. “Some people want to fill the world with silly love songs. What’s wrong with that?”

I’d like to know.

Because here we go, again.

Cheers.


Previously published, slight changes made. And yes, this one is crammed with obscure movie and music references, possibly making this piece a bit incomprehensible for some. (Extra bonus points for those who caught the Pink Floyd/Wizard of Oz connection.) Trivia aside, I simply cannot understand hateful intolerance. There has got to be some way we can learn to live together.

You may say I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one…


Scotch the Cat: “Daddy, I know one way that might help.”

Me: “And what’s that, my little furball launcher?”

Scotch: “Bring back the libel and slander regulations that used to be the law of the land in this country, before the Reagan Administration started gutting them and then the Bush and Shrub Junior Administrations continued doing so.”

Me: “I like what I’m smelling, which is not always the case with you. Keep going.”

Scotch: “Lots of people only have hate in their hearts because they’ve been fed lies for decades. We have to stop the lies. If we had stronger libel and slander laws, reporters would have to tell the truth or go to jail. Fox News would be out of business overnight. And Tucker Carlson would be somebody’s bitch in prison.”

Me: “Very good, Cat Scratch Fever. You’re getting an extra special treat tonight. Wait, is that why you’re saying all this, to upgrade your nightly nibble?”

Scotch: “I love my country and I want to see it succeed. But I also love flaked tuna in a savory sauce. So… maybe both?”

Me: “Fair enough. Let’s go see what’s in the pantry.”

Scotch: “It’s always better when the closet doors are open and we can see things for what they really are.”


25 replies »

  1. Love it! 🙂 And yes, I got the Pink Floyd/Oz connection. Now, about those suits. I bet they were discovered in Johnny Soprano’s closet and come with matching violin cases, so I’m sure Cary and Jimmy are just taking a poppy breather before heading back to Satriale’s. 😉

    Liked by 5 people

    • Ah, good angle with the closet suits, giving this mess a whole new spin. Perhaps, in the inevitable revision, I should take things darker, with lots of deception and Judy Garland cast as a cold-hearted harlot playing both sides. In the shocking denouement, Toto gets fed up with “under the rainbow” shenanigans and turns her into undercover agents working for PETA…

      Liked by 3 people

    • True confession that might require a revocation of my membership in The Rainbow Club: I have never seen an episode of “Glee”. Not on purpose, it just hasn’t happened. Sometimes I’m a really bad gay… 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Loved this one a LOT, Brian…yes, I’m also a dreamer that we should be able not to hate each other… we belong to the same Dreamers Club – and a few others together, too.
    (Joan and Rudy, I’m still smiling at that pair.)

    Liked by 1 person

    • It takes so much energy to hate. Why do some people expend so much effort in the pursuit of such. Life is so much easier when you accept that everyone has a right to a life. Boggles my mind.

      Trivia: In the original version, “Joan Crawford” was actually Sarah Huckabee Sanders, as I penned that original during the time when Sarah was still manning the Press Secretary podium and brutalizing all the reporters who dared to ask valid questions. I replaced her with Joan in this new version to remove the datedness. Meanwhile, Sarah is now running for governor of Arkansas. And she’ll probably win. Because it’s Arkansas.

      Meanwhile, Rudy is still bitchy in both versions. Because it’s Rudy. 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m giggling about Randy Newman being in charge of the Munchkins 🤣🤣 cuz he did sing
    “They got little hands
    And little eyes
    And they walk around
    Tellin’ great big lies
    They got little noses
    And tiny little teeth
    They wear platform shoes
    On their nasty little feet”

    I’ll leave you with –
    … If you hear the song I sing
    You will understand, listen
    You hold the key to love and fear
    All in your trembling hand
    Just one key unlocks them both
    It’s there at your command

    … Come on, people now
    Smile on your brother
    Everybody get together
    Try to love one another right now

    💃🏼🎶💌

    Liked by 3 people

    • When the Munchkins/Randy Newman combo popped into my head (because of the very song you quoted), I just HAD to run with it. And I love that you followed me along that twisted path. (“It’s a matter of logistics.”)

      I also love The Youngbloods’ “Get Together”, always have. If we only had more songs like that, today, perhaps we wouldn’t be in this mess. And there I go again with the dreaming… 😉

      Liked by 2 people

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