10 Reasons Why

10 Reasons Why Taking A Shower Is Just Like Real Life

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1. Some like it hot.

  These folks reach in, turn the hot-water tap to ultra-gusher, completely ignore the cold-water tap, and then leave the settings like this for the entire three-hour tour. Now, I generally like to wash away my sins as well as anyone, but I really don’t need to see my flesh swirling down the drain.

2. Some people have focus issues.

  Why are you turning on the shower and then wandering off to fold socks or read a book? Get your ass back in there and start scrubbing. There are other people, like me, who are waiting for you to finish whatever transcendental journey you are on so I can also get last-night’s smell of beer and regret out of my hair.

3. Some people just don’t understand science.

  Here’s how it works: If you let the shower run forever like that before you ever hop in, of course the hot water is going to run out before you get everything squeaky and sterilized. Stop being surprised by the sudden rush of cold water that makes some things more pointy and other things more emasculating.

4. Some people are inconsiderate and hateful.

  Speaking of water temperature, if you live in a dwelling with plumbing that has satanic qualities, where the mere flushing of the toilet can cause massive and painful fluctuations of the water temperature for innocent people in the shower, then stop flushing the toilet when people are in the shower. It’s very simple. If you hear water running anywhere in the house when the recycling urge hits you, then you need to just hold it or go to the gas station down the street.

5. Some people do unexplainable things when they are unsupervised.

  Why did you leave the hand-held shower head hanging like that? What were you doing with it in that position, all crotch-level and all? Actually, don’t tell me. Just put the damn thing back in the landing pad at head-level like a normal person before you exit the apparent Echo Chamber of Sudsy Self Love.

6. Some people can’t put things back where they found them, part two.

  See that little soap holder on the wall? Why is there nothing in it? Why is the missing soap lying on the floor, shoved into a corner? Is it in time-out? What did it do to you? What did you do to it? Again, never mind. I’ll just get a new bar of soap.

7. Some people believe in a Shampoo Fairy.

  You know the shampoo bottle is empty, because you’re the one that just used the last of it. Don’t plunk it back down and act like you have no idea what happened. Did you expect us to believe that someone broke into the house and stole just the liquids? Fetch a fresh bottle before you go off and get dirty again.

8. Some people have one-night stands.

  These are the folks who can’t wait to try out a new product, use it once, then completely abandon it and never think of it again. This is how you end up with 47 bottles of body gel lined up on the shower floor, a little army of sanitation soldiers, mutely staring at your nakedness and yearning for you to call them back after your brief night of love.

9. Some people have annoying and suspect phobias.

  There is absolutely no reason why you can’t reuse the same towel that you used yesterday. Your body is theoretically clean when you step out of the shower, assuming that you’ve done things correctly. Ergo, the towel should be relatively clean as well for a good many days, and it should not be dripping with whatever it is you imagine to be on there. (Unless there’s something you and your sex life are not telling us.) Quit pulling out a fresh towel every time you get wet. We don’t need to do the laundry every three days.

  And once you’re done with that towel? Don’t throw the thing on the floor and expect small servants to rush forth and tidy up. Don’t leave it dangling on the doorknob, because it’s just going to fall off, and we still don’t have those servants. And do NOT hang the towel crookedly on the little drying rod where it normally lives. Make the ends match, people. It shouldn’t look like you were ravaged by a rhino during the two steps from the shower to the towel bar.

10. Some people just can’t see what is right in front of them.

  Especially when the mirror is fogged over because you took a three-hour shower using scalding hot water. Yet you’re going to whine when you try to wipe away the condensation and it immediately fogs up again. Here’s a tip: Stop trying to manipulate the climate zones of the planet with your overheated, narcissistic indulgence in the porcelain Sluice Shack. Nobody needs that much humidity in their lives. We now have mold growing on the light fixture, the roll of toilet paper has been reduced to a soggy mass that looks like Donald Trump after a late night at Hooters, and Unnatural Disaster Recovery helicopters are circling the area, searching for survivors.

  There are better ways to cleanse your soul. Let’s find one of them, shall we?


Previously published, a few times. No changes made for this new share. (Surprised that I didn’t fiddle with the mess? I certainly was.) Photo Credit: I’m sure you can figure it out, Janet Leigh.


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43 replies »

  1. Some people are perky singers, no matter what. Awakening to the sound of your water-driven squawking is enough to spur water-driven murder fantasies. Do have some consideration for those who suffer from insomnia, night sweats, and sleep apnea. These could happen to you, too.

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  2. And whaddabout the conditioner that looks exactly like the empty shampoo bottle, except for the minutest script that is imperceivable to your steaming streaming soapy red-rimmed eyes? C’mon Johnson and Johnson, make ’em different colours or something.

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    • I’m definitely with you on this one. It’s not fair when there is only a one-word difference between the labels. And this is why I intentionally use a duo wherein the bottles are dramatically different, including the lovely hint that one opens on the top and one on the bottom. Otherwise, I would never get it right…

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    • Oh, that hot water thing. It used to drive me crazy, the sudden shift to shivering because some fool spent way too much time on sluicing themselves. Luckily, they invented those tankless water heaters some time back and we immediately got one. It’s been lovely, as the water is always hot. But still, there’s no reason to spend an entire afternoon scrubbing your sins away. Get in, get it done, and hope for redemption…

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    • THE LAMPLIGHT

      (inspired by a shower head picture posted by fellow blogger Brian Lageose)

      the jets of sun come out spinning

      from an outdoor shower spray head.

      the storm of a bee swarm, excites

      the riot of dictionaries in a valley

      a mail deliverer moves parcels

      from their origin, and send them

      along the cracks on the ice.

      water in a mountain spring, forms

      a rapid current, surging like a beast

      the school of sunflowers

      passes on the secret of a castle.

      under the stern and harsh moon

      campfires are igniting the snow into flames

      the mirror of heart by the window

      is a wide-open eye of dreams.

      on a floor propped up by invisible rays

      children are shouting vigorously

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    • Catnip: The Lists were the hallmark pieces on my first blog, “The Sound and the Fury”. There must be over a hundred of them by now, as the are a hoot to write…

      Northern Elm: First, as I just noted on your original post, this poem is quite impressive. You have a great way of expressing yourself. Second, it’s interesting that you shared your poem on a comment from Catnip, as Catnip just shared your poem on their own blog. Are you two possibly related? Wait, are you the same person? Not that it matters, because I like both blogs, but I am VERY curious… 😉

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      • sorry Brian for getting you back late. I must have hit the wrong reply button when I meant to hit yours. Anyway I am so privileged to be able to share the my poem inspired by your post. I love your wonderful writings… for me they are mind-nurturing as well as interesting.

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        • Oh, no worries about taking a little time to respond. I am terrible when it comes to responding to comments and whatnot. (I just get distracted easily. It’s not on purpose, it just happens.)

          I really DID enjoy your poem. This is one of the reasons why I love blogging, wherein we get to meet fellow bloggers who have the same passion for writing, in whatever form. Sharing our words with one another is a wonderful human experience…

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  13. I personally hate showers and never take them–I have a hot bath every day instead, because why would I want to be hit in the face with thousands of stinging hot water barbs? But you’re right–Ken and Kate use the shower downstairs and there are at least 15 bottles of shampoo and body wash in there!

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    • I have several family members who only take baths, so I certainly understand that angle. And I DO like the relaxation of a leisurely, hot bath. (It’s wonderful if you have muscle aches.) But I just don’t feel “clean” after I’m done, as if I didn’t get everything off of me. I’m sure it’s a psychological issue based on something that probably happened to me in the third grade and I never got over it…

      And I must admit that I’m just as bad as Partner when it comes to abandoned new products that populate the shower. We’ll run across some bath scrub that smells delicious and decide that we MUST have it. We get it home, take it for a test run, and that’s the end of the relationship with said products. Except for the asking them to move out part…

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  14. Pingback: 10 Reasons Why Taking A Shower Is Just Like Real Life – Nelsapy

  15. Never understood why some people are so hot & bothered about one nightstand. One is enough. If you need more than one, don’t put your bed in the corner. If you are still hot and bothered, take a shower, and just go cold turkey. Remembers, when it comes to showers, when it rains, it pours. So, an umbrella and shower doors are a must, depending on your latitude. If you are worried about longitude, make sure to have a clock on your one nightstand. – originally published in, Notes Found In A Bottle Magazine, March 31, 1923.

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    • Is this a real artifact or is this your own whimsy? (I tried Googling, but I kept rabbit-hole-falling to tribute pages concerning the shipwreck of the S.S. Cholera or some such. I gave up rather quickly.) In any case, this is sage advice and I agree. Additionally, no one should ever shove beds into a corner. The trysting partner up against the wall has no expedient means of escape should one of the illicit lovers’ actual spouses walk into the room, and that just won’t do…

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      • \\ The S.S. Cholera was a noted ship in a bottle. At the turn of the century, bottle ship building was endemic. This would put much stress on glassblowers and porthole framers. As a consequence, every so often The Chorea would break out with a Great Tizzy. The Great Tizzy was remembered for a tumultuous voyage, and afterwards there were those who said they much regatta taking part. They were exhausted and pooped out on the deck, unable to sea shanty in Old Shanty Town.

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  16. HA! That is a VERY recognizable shower. (Perhaps the most famous in Hollywood history??)

    I confess I’m guilty when it comes to the Shampoo Fairy. I keep thinking the bottle has a Little Bit More Left, and I let the bottle rest upside down for the next shower-taker…because we all know that’s how more shampoo is made.

    Liked by 2 people

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    • I had no doubt that you would know that showerhead for what it is. We dedicated movie folk just know things, yes?

      My biggest atrocity in the shower is that I will whittle a bar of soap down to just a useless nub, and then park it to one side in the soap dish on the wall until I collect enough said nubs to mash into a steam-heated wad that can then be used for further cleansing. Partner does not appreciate this little pile, accusing me of malfeasance. I don’t know why this bothers him, as he uses gels, not soap bars, never requiring any need for the soap dish peppered with my nubby fossils…

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