Past Imperfect

Past Imperfect – #566

Lucy: “Oh, look at this. There’s a huge pile of photographers over there, something you promised wouldn’t happen if we flew economy to Palm Springs Airport.”

Desi: “Now, now, mi bambina. I can’t control everything. Don’t get so agitated. Sometimes I swear you’re more Latina than I am.”

Lucy: “What do you mean, don’t get agitated? We’ve been flying for three days and I haven’t had a chance to change my panties. You don’t know what that does to a woman.”

Desi: “Just calm down. Nobody cares about your freshness.”

Lucy: “Oh really? Look at that man over your left shoulder. He’s clearly aware of something.”

Desi: “Maybe he’s thinking about the movie you did with Bob Hope. I told you that was a bad idea.”

Lucy: “I want a divorce.”

Desi: “Qué? How did you get there from here?”

Lucy: “You never give me any credit and you never let me sing at your stupid nightclub. I’m tired of having to work extra hard to keep up appearances when you don’t have to do a damn thing.”

Desi: “On the contrary, I’m keeping up all the time. That’s why I’m carrying my newspaper like this.”

Lucy: “Don’t try to bring your Cuban customs into this. Wait, why are you carrying your newspaper like that? And when did you start reading?”

Desi: “I wet myself a little bit when we hit that turbulence during the landing. Not that you noticed, flailing about as you were like a witch doctor raising the dead. It’s always all about you.”

Lucy: “It’s not about me now, with your little revelation We can get a whole episode on our show about you tinkling like a chihuahua because of a little speed bump.”

Desi: “That’s extremely racist, bambina.”

Lucy: “It’s 1952. Everything is racist.”

Desi: “Fair enough. But still, you might want to put out that cigarette before you talk to the reporters.”

Lucy: “It’s 1952. Everybody smokes. Even the children.”

Desi: “It seems like we’re at an impasse at this point. I’m not sure what we can do to make this scene work.”

Ethel, barging in from next door like she always does: “Lucy? I got your text. What dumbass thing have you done now that ensures I get trapped in your nonsense?”

Fred, barging as well, because he’s hungry and he has no clue how to fix his own dinner: “This is where I say something cranky because I’ve been constipated since 1912 and I don’t give a damn what anybody thinks. Where’s my paycheck for this performance?”

Desi: “Alrighty, then. This all smells familiar.”

Lucy: “I told you I didn’t have time to freshen up.”

Bob Hope, barging in from, well, wherever it is that movie people go when they aren’t trending on social media: “I know how to freshen up things. I just make a thinly veiled jab at liberals and the audience pretends to laugh because it’s 1952 and people were much more polite when it comes to politics. That’s how we Republicans were able to stifle the rights of women and, well, anyone who isn’t white.”

Ethel, turning to Bob: “Hold up, Tiny Dancer. What’s this about stifling women?”

Desi: “Okay, Lucy this is when we quietly slip away. I arranged for this as well.”

Lucy: “But what about all the photographers and the reporters? We have to suck up to them so Desilu Studios can make a profit.”

Desi: “No, we don’t. Ethel will take care of it and we can keep our hands clean. Run like the wind.”

Bob Hope, turning to Ethel: “Isn’t there a man that should be holding you back?”

Ethel: “Oh, he’s about to be holding something. Here, Fred, hold my earrings. I’m ready to preach it but good and these things might get in my way.”

Previously published, modified a tinge. Sadly, it’s 2022 and we still have a lot of Bob Hopes who think it’s 1952. Happily, we have a growing number of Ethels who are taking off their earrings…

34 replies »

  1. Check out the Ditzy checked-tie, the trouser turn-ups, the super-wide lapels, the blue movie issue grubby raincoat, the slightly steamy ‘Havana Times,’ Gawd, 1952 WAS dull, conservative and boring as current Republican ‘thinking.’ Plus, shouldn’t Lucy watch out with her grossly oversized carry-on shtick? She could take an eye-eye-ay-yi out with that thing.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I still remember watching the Lucy show as a kid, the episode where she wants to get her hair cut a certain way and Ricky won’t let her, and thinking WTF? I couldn’t imagine being married to someone who wouldn’t let me be in his show, dammit!

    Liked by 2 people

    • In the early 70s, I remember having the same reactions watching the Lucy shows from the 50s and wondering how women put up with that mess. (Of course, at the time of my watching, most wives still couldn’t get their own credit cards. Most companies only authorized the husbands. And single women? Forget it.) Sadly, it’s now 2022 and there are STILL women who not only put up with it but actually consider themselves secondary to men. And one of those examples is Amy Coney Barrett, who now sits on the Supreme Court. Stunning…

      Liked by 2 people

      • We had a woman come into work the other day because she was lost on her way to meeting someone to buy dog dishes, she was out of data, and was afraid to call her husband to go on the computer and get the address because “he doesn’t like it when she buys things”. Wow. 2022 indeed.

        Liked by 2 people

    • Given the current climate in America, not only has the change proven slow, but I fear it’s actually reversing. I hope I’m wrong.

      Out of curiosity, I googled “Lucille Ball Texas quote”, just to see if anything had been captured. I didn’t run across anything, but I did find this:

      “Politics should be the part-time profession of every citizen who would protect the rights and privileges of free people and who would preserve what is good and fruitful in our national heritage.”

      And this, from her Wikipedia page: Ball was a well-known gay-rights supporter, stating in a 1980 interview with People: “It’s perfectly all right with me. Some of the most gifted people I’ve ever met or read about are homosexual. How can you knock it?”

      She said this in 1980, when hardly anyone was openly supportive? Well, then. It seems we have a number of reasons to love Lucy… 😉

      Liked by 2 people

    • I love doing offhand, twisted dialogue, really do.

      I haven’t seen “Ricardos” yet, but I suspect I eventually will. I’m also putting things off as I struggle to finish the final edit for my next book. (With “struggle” meaning “not accomplishing much as I piddle with the remaining bits that are not pleasing me”.)

      Liked by 1 person

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