Past Imperfect

Past Imperfect – #510


Slenderina, left: “Oh, look! The Goodyear blimp is flying overhead and flashing a message, thanking us for representing a body image that most woman can never hope to achieve no matter how hard they try.”

Low-Carb Barb: “Well, I suppose that’s sweet and all, but lately I’ve been wondering if we’re doing the right thing.”

Slenderina: “Why on earth would you be wondering such a thing? We’re so thin that if we turn sideways, the only way you can find us is if we stick out our tongues. The advertising agencies love that. I bet we can get on the cover of Emaciation Weekly.”

Low-Carb Barb: “Yeah, maybe we could, but why would we want to do that?”

Slenderina: “Don’t be silly. If we’re not thin, we’re nothing. If we let ourselves be the shape we were intended to be, no one would ever invite us to the right parties. And if we don’t go to the right parties, we’ll never find a man who can appreciate us for what we aren’t.”

Low-Carb Barb: “Okay. I think I’m done here.”

Slenderina: “Wait, where are you going?”

High-Carb Barb: “I’m going to go eat a cheeseburger. Maybe two.”

Slenderina: “But if you do that, you’ll never be in a fashion magazine. How can you feel pretty if you don’t distort your body image?”

Screw-the-Carbs Barb: “You know what makes me feel pretty? Accepting myself for what I am and not what others think I should be. Some people were meant for the runway, others were meant to run away from that which is meaningless. I’m ready to run.”

Slenderina: “You sound like one of those people who write… what are those things called?”

Epiphany Barb: “You mean books? Well, I haven’t written one, but I think I should be reading a lot more of them. And you should, too.”

Slenderina: “But it’s hard for me to hold up a book for longer than three seconds. I can barely lift these sunglasses.”

Yoda Barb: “Of that think you what?”

Slenderina: “That they should make lighter books?”

Barbed Barb: “It means that you are hurting yourself in order to make other people happy. You need to pull your head out and change your life for the better.”

Slenderina: “I don’t have the strength for that, either. My head is deeply lodged, apparently. But it would be nice if I could eat something dripping with fat every once in a while and not feel guilty. And why aren’t men held to the same standards? It’s so unfair. There is so much inequality in this country.”

Bamboozled Barb: “Hold up. Are you having a self-worth breakthrough moment?”

Slenderina: “I’m not sure what I’m having. These new thoughts feel naughty and decadent and the opposite of what I’ve always been taught, but I’m also feeling tingly in certain places. Maybe I’m just getting some blood flow to my outer limbs after tromping around on this beach. Or maybe I really am finally seeing the light and I should hurl these sunglasses into the sea, if I have enough muscle tissue left to do so. I don’t know. I’m torn, sister.”

Oprah Barbfrey: “It’s okay, girl. One step at a time. We’ll get through this. Now, take my hand and let’s try to make it to that taco stand over there on Martha’s Vineyard. Then we’ll march on Washington.”

Slenderina: “March? That sounds like a lot of work. Did I mention no muscle tissue?”

Bonnywood Barb: “Trust me, when you get some decent knowledge food in your belly, you’ll find you have lots of energy to do what needs to be one. Life is too short to order from the menu you’ve been given. We need to print our own. And send everything back that doesn’t taste right.”


Previously published on “Crusty Pie”, modified for this share on Bonnywood. And yes, I realize that Barb’s ever-changing moniker was somewhat confusing, but it was actually my favorite part with this bit. It shouldn’t surprise you. I’m always ordering things that aren’t even ON the menu…


26 replies »

  1. I loved this!! And you’re absolutely right, the best part of this piece is the ever-changing Barb. I hadn’t really noticed it till I got to Yoda, and the I took a double take and went, that’s sooo coool!!! 😀

    Liked by 3 people

  2. I’m a firm believer that our bodies are kinda like permanent cars… it’s what we use to get around. As long as it gets me from point A to point B without too many problems, I’m happy.
    Yes, the menopause or the pandemic stress or the combination changed my “car” a bit, but it still starts up and gets me where I’m going. Good enough.

    Yep! I think we should focus on the person driving the “car” and forget about what the “car” looks like.😘

    Liked by 1 person

    • Oh, I believe in that as well. My package is wrinkled and messy and the bow on top was torn off a long time ago, but none of that should matter. It’s what’s inside that seals the deal. My car might not be able to get out of second gear anymore, but I can still get down the street when I need to…

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Hey Brian. It was great to catch your name at Sadje’s and fly over here. I’ve missed your hysterical posts. Somehow WP unfollowed, which I have now remedied. I just love Barb’s evolution of names Lol. Thanks for the fun.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I was actually quite happy when I stumbled across your name in the comments, as it wasn’t until that moment that I realized “wait a minute, I haven’t heard from her in a long time. Let me just give this a little click.” WordPress is so cantankerous these days with that mysterious unfollow mess, and I’m sure you understand how easy it is to forget about somebody until you see them again. (I checked my my stats as well and I was no longer following you, through no action of mine.) Here’s to a renewed friendship, yes? 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • Yeah. WP just drops followers now and then and we’re so busy in the moment its easy not to notice. I reconnect a lot that way – seeing a name and thinking, “Hey, What the…?” I’m glad to reconnect and I’m looking forward to more laughs at your site. I’m heading off on a vaca, so if you don’t see me for a week, I’m lazing on the beach! 😀

        Liked by 1 person

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