Past Imperfect

Past Imperfect – #534

Myrna, left: “I haven’t the faintest idea what she’s talking about.”

William, not so much left: “Nor do I. Perhaps she’s discussing stock options, with that bit about alternative arrangements.”

Bartender, background: “I could clear up the confusion in two seconds, but you people haven’t won any awards for your tipping tonight, so… no.”

Maureen, right: “Let’s drink to our promising future! Or at least the rest of the evening.”

Myrna: “Still no clue. Luckily, she’s been guzzling spirits like there’s some sort of prize at the end, so she’s really not aware that we’re dissing her right in front of her face. Still, the intellectual part of me is slightly intrigued by her end game.”

William: “Yes, it’s fascinating in a car-crash sort of way. We really shouldn’t look, but somebody out there might get a blog post out of it.”

Bartender: “Five bucks and I’ll let the sunshine in. Give a little, get a little.”

Maureen: “So are we in agreement that we can all benefit from this situation?”

Myrna: “I’m not agreeing to anything without reading the fine print. The last time I did that I ended up in a thinly-veiled movie about lesbians on the Isle of Capri.”

William: “Yes, the same thing happened to me recently, when I found myself playing the stern headmaster at a private academy for boys in Scotland. I should have known something was up when the costume designer had me fitted for plaid leather pants.”

Bartender: “Oh, for the love of Pete, this woman is trying to entice you into a three-way. The tip jar is right there. Use it.”

Maureen, turning to the bartender: “Well, it doesn’t have to stop at three. What time do you get off?”

Myrna: “A three-way? As in a sexual thing? I thought we were forced to remove all hints of carnality from movie dialogue after Hedy Lamar swam naked in that German film for no apparent reason. I really need to talk to my agent about getting better scripts.”

William: “And I as well. I’m still chafed from those wretched leather pants. I haven’t walked right since the director had me do an intervention in the sauna at that Scottish Academy. Things can go awkwardly awry when the humidity is high.”

Bartender: “Should I also mention that Maureen is independently wealthy and generously rewards actors who don’t mind filming in Capri or Scotland? Tip jar, still right there.”

Maureen: “And Greece, don’t forget that locale. The sunlight is gorgeous this time of year.”

Myrna: “Well, I suppose I wouldn’t be opposed to options. Bette Davis seems to be getting all the decent roles in America, so it might be time to think internationally.”

William: “And now that I ponder it, despite the chafing, I did look rather fetching in those leather headmaster pants. Perhaps we should have a conference call with our agents?”

Bartender: “Hold up, Slow and Talky, I sense a shift in the planetary alignment. Based on my years of experience watching misguided people drinking misguided beverages, I believe that Maureen has just crossed the sip too far. Brace yourselves.”

Maureen: “I can’t stand anybody in this room and I never want to finance another movie again.”

Myrna: “Well, that fizzled out rather quickly. This is what I get for daring to envision the logistics that a three-way might entail. I’m not sure that I have the right furniture.”

William: “And I was already thinking about the tax break I could get by wearing festive but sadomasochistic couture in a foreign country. The dream has died.”

Bartender: “If you’d only tipped me in a decent manner, I could have warned you about this. We bartenders know things. And the next developmental point in her 80-proof journey is that Maureen will disintegrate into confusion and accusations.”

Maureen: “What happened to my olive? Are we in Cairo? What’s up with all these sandstorms and horny camels running amok? Such travesty was not mentioned in the brochure for this hotel and somebody is going to pay or my name isn’t Cleoflatra!”

Myrna: “Wow. She jumped on that crazy train pretty fast.”

William: “Welcome to Hollywood.”

Bartender: “Or Cairo. The customer is always right, especially those with the highest bar tab.”

Maureen: “Pyramids are ugly and I hate them.”

Myrna: “And I think we’re done here. Shall we sally forth?”

William: “Splendid idea. Let’s go. Expediently.”

Bartender: “But the tip jar…”

Maureen: “Stop those people! They might have my olive!”

Previously published, modified modestly for this post. Later that early morning, Maureen woke up at a local diner to discover that she had ordered twelve plates of biscuits and gravy and a slice of cherry pie…

Meanwhile, across town, as far away as possible…

Olive: “Thank you for snatching me out of her glass as you raced toward the exit. Her demented tongue was getting closer and closer to touching me.”

William: “I understand your pain, having narrowly escaped the same predicament.”

Olive: “Do you really? Have you ever been speared with a little plastic sword and thrown into a highly-toxic vessel of inequity?”

William: “Indeed, I have. In that wretched movie about wretched privileged offspring at that wretched prep school in Scotland. They made me wear plaid!”

Olive: “It sounds like you haven’t gotten over the experience. Have you sought counseling?”

William: “Ever since. In fact, I have an appointment with Dr. Brian at Bonnywood Manor tomorrow.”

Olive: “Oh my. Well, good luck with that life choice.”

William: “Wait, do you know something I don’t?”

Olive: “Perhaps. But my tip jar is empty, so…”

20 replies »

  1. And after she ran around delightfully naked in her German film, Hedy had an amazing life. Her escape from her Nazi minders in Hungary was epic. Among other things, she co-invented frequency hopping as a means of foiling radio interception. It is still used in cell phones to this day.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Yep, Hedwig Eva Maria Kiesler had an enviously fascinating life journey. She was talented in so many ways, unlike the “social media” stars of today who haven’t accomplished anything other than managing to publish an inane post about nothing at just the right time. If only we still gave credit where credit was due…

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Why’s Myrna still in her Trans American Airlines uniform? Why’s Willy’s gaze fixed on Maureen’s lap placed snap clasp purse? Why’s Maureen suddenly salivating over Olive, straight after hearing of Myrna girlish Greek Isles adventuring? Why won’t the Overlooks bartender water down the bitter cocktails he’s swilling in? Who knows, all bets are off once you stumble into Bonnywoodland.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Your analysis is spot on, questioning the very things I did two seconds after I hit “publish now” and realized that I missed a plethora of plot points. Then again, this situation happens with me during every post. I have focus issues, a reality that I think I have firmly established here at Stumbling Bonnywoodland.

      P.S. The “lap placed snap clasp purse” is one of the best euphemisms I’ve ever heard concerning… well, I’m sure you know. 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  3. The leather pants–all I could think of was that episode of Friends where Ross can’t get his leather pants back on and slathers his legs with body lotion in some woman’s bathroom! Plaid leather pants sounds distinctly like a Bay City Rollers vibe:-)

    Liked by 1 person

    • Ross has many great scenes, but the one that always comes to my mind is the one where some of the gang is trying to get a sofa up those twisting stairs and Ross kept hollering “Pivot!” It just KILLS me, every time.

      I was never a big Bay City Plaiders fan, but two of my sisters were absolutely in love with them. (Personally, I think they were still distraught over their “break up” with Shaun Cassidy and desperately seeking rebound lovers…)

      Liked by 2 people

  4. Thanks to all the people above, I googled “the thin man” and found William Powell (Nick Charles) · Myrna Loy (Nora Charles) · Maureen O’Sullivan (Dorothy Wynant). Wait, why I feel Maureen O’Sullivan so familiar? I did watch “Hannah and Her Sisters”, but I can’t remember the mother figure at all. It must be something else…

    Liked by 2 people

    • This is part of the joy of interacting with other bloggers: You get to find out fascinating things and then run off to find out more.

      Maureen O’Sullivan had a very long career, so I’m not sure where you’ve seen her before, but chances are very strong that you have…

      Liked by 1 person

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