Past Imperfect

Past Imperfect – #553


Some Woman That Is Not Lucy: “And here’s a bit of coffee that can work better than Viagra if you would just let go of your psychological speed bumps.”

Desi: “Who the hell are you?”

Not Lucy: “I come from the future. But don’t think about it too much or you’ll be flaccid again.”

Desi: “I’ve never been flaccid in my life. I’m Cuban. We don’t even have a word for that condition in our language.”

Not Lucy: “Of course you do. In every culture there are men who can’t raise a flag. It’s one of the main reasons why nations go to war, right behind religion and ignorance. Now drink up.”

Desi: “I’m not drinking anything. What have you done with Lucy?”

Not Lucy: “Nothing that hasn’t been done before. This is Hollywood. Every actress knows that her time in the spotlight is limited, because advertisers reject every female over the age of 23. Meanwhile, the male actors are allowed to fart their way into senility without dropping in popularity, starring in vapid movies where an octogenarian manages to bed a high-school student with the ease of opening a can of tuna.”

Desi: “You sound bitter. Is it because they made you wear that dress?”

Not Lucy: “My outfit is a non-issue, even though I do hate it, fearing that Julie Andrews will be inspired to make overly-cute urchins wear similar couture and bellow insipid songs about sewing and female deers. But that’s not important. You just need to do what the script says and no one else will get hurt.” Not Lucy finally set the annoying coffee pot on the table and flounced off to another part of the kitchen, humming a little tune about corporate takeovers.

Voice from the Toaster: “Psst. Desi, it’s me. Can you hear me?”

Desi: “Lucy? What have you done this time?”

Toaster Lucy: “Now, don’t be mad, but Ethel and I were bored and we were experimenting with time travel and we somehow switched places with a woman named Janet and now we’re stuck somewhere in Oklahoma where they have a lot of cows. I haven’t heard this much mooing since our wedding night.”

Desi: “I don’t understand what’s going on with this show.”

Toaster Lucy: “Oh, honey, did you ever?” 


Previously published, modified lightly, and then extended, as you’ll see. Mildly-related and slightly-deep survey question that you should feel no guilt about not answering: If you could use a time-machine to travel backwards to one place and alter one event, where would you go and what would you change?


Toaster Ethel, in the background: “Did you tell him about that other thing we did?”

Toaster Lucy, covering the mouthpiece on her end of the Appliance Transponder: “Girl, can I not get through a scene without you barging in like you own the place?”

Toaster Ethel: “But I do own the place. That’s why Fred and I are on the show. You’ve really got to start paying more attention to the scripts

Toaster Lucy: “Fine. No, I did not tell him about that other thing. One admission a day, that’s my motto.”

Toaster Ethel: “Well, you know he’s going to find out. It’s a lie that what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. People talk, and husbands listen.”

Toaster Lucy: “Hopefully we can deal with that in a future episode. Now, why don’t you run along and do something that sidekicks do when they are not needed for the main plot?”

Toaster Ethel: “I suppose I could go see what’s making all that noise behind the barn over there. It’s really annoying, like commercial breaks and white supremacy.”

Toaster Lucy: “Splendid. You do you and I’ll do Desi. Now scoot!”

Toaster Ethel began scooting. Toaster Lucy took her hand off the transponder. “Still there, my love?”

Desi: “Of course I am. Because I read the scripts. Still, I sense that I should probably just keep listening to the hold music on this transponder instead of hearing what fresh hell you are about to unleash.”

Toaster Lucy: “Well, we also time-traveled to Las Vegas, and there was an incident.”

Just then, there’s a flurry of commotion and startled screaming off camera.

Desi: “What’s going on? Is the incident still happening now?”

Toaster Lucy: “Ethel just got trampled by an angry mule!”

Desi: “So Fred got to time travel as well? Why does everyone else on this show have more fun than me?”

Toaster Lucy: “Are you really making this all about your ego?”

Desi: “Oh, please. As if the spotlight is never on you. What’s the name of our show again?”

Toaster Lucy: “It’s certainly not ‘I Love Desi’, now is it?”

Desi: “Exactly. Now, why don’t you run tend to Ethel’s trampling and I’ll see if Not Lucy wouldn’t mind some trampling of her own.”

Toaster Lucy: “You wouldn’t dare do such!”

Desi: “Really? And once again you forget that I’m Cuban. Have fun!” He unplugs the toaster.

Fred, wandering into the kitchen and thereby not a time-traveling participant: “Do you think it worked?”

Desi: “She doesn’t suspect anything. Let’s go have our weekend in New England. I hope you packed that lumberjack outfit.”

Fred: “Always.”

Not Lucy, wandering in from wherever she’s been for most of the episode (and we really don’t care, because she’s Not Lucy): “Would anyone like more coffee?”

Desi: “No, dear. I won’t have any problems raising the flag tonight.”


Final Note: Yes, I know it’s twisted. But I had fun with it. You?


18 replies »

  1. Those Time Travelling Rich Socialist and their Cuban Muscle Drums just going Punto Guajiro all over the timeline, you would think they own the place. Well, Desilu did produce Star Trek, and that would explain Captain Kirk’s stunning phaser & his primal directive.

    Liked by 2 people

    • So, basically, it all comes down to whether or not you thought the tribbles were cute and cuddly or a an annoying example of blatant consumerism run amok. Got it. I shall prepare a treatise outlining my initial thoughts on the matter. (A full exploration of the profundity, of course, might take many decades.)

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Wow. What a seething cauldron of stream-of-consciousness innuendos and double entendres. I need a sit down and a cup of tea to calm myself down.
    No, Not Lucy- not that coffee! -Aw, now I’ll be up all night.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I gather Desi’s script is hidden inside the newspaper prop. since he fails to make eye contact with not-Lucy or with the toaster throughout the entire conversation. Yes, Julie Andrews could do a lot with that dress. “The poor didn’t want this one.” J.

    Liked by 3 people

    • You gather correctly. Desi was never all that interested in memorizing a script, as he was very convinced that his natural charm would get him through the episode, so he needed a bit of prompting once on set. But more importantly, he was avoiding eye-contact with Not Lucy because he was terrified of women who could think for themselves AND do something about it. On the flip side, that Julie Andrews dress is now hip and cool again, as things always return in cycles whether or not they should be allowed to do so. Of course, the poor people can’t afford it now, so they really should have paid more attention in the 50s…

      Liked by 3 people

    • Ugh, science class. I was actually something of a whiz with science for most of my schooling years, taking advanced classes and whatnot. Then I hit Chemistry I and subsequently hit a brick wall. I could NOT get it. It was the same way with math, breezing through Algebra I and II and Geometry. Then I stumbled a bit with Algebra III, and I fell on my face with Calculus. (I actually had to drop Calculus my senior year, in a desperate effort to salvage what was left of my once-stellar GPA.)

      I’m not sure why I’m babbling away about this, especially since you were being facetious with your clever comment, but it’s obvious that the hurt still lingers. I’ve always been an over-achiever, so those times when I couldn’t be such stick with me. I also believe that everyone has their ceilings with certain things, as I definitely found two of them… 😉

      Liked by 1 person

      • I actually did okay all the way through high school (I had to get a tutor for calculus and swore I would never go near it again – barely made it through and was lucky it didn’t affect my GPA as it wasn’t required for my entrance program). I hit my level of incompetence in year one uni physics. Never tried it again after that. Yup, we all hit our ceilings and I went on to discover many, many more of them. 😉 Cheers.

        Liked by 1 person

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