Past Imperfect

Past Imperfect – #576

Prosecuting Attorney: “If it pleases the court, I’d like to present this photo as exhibit A.”

Judge Crotchbump: “It doesn’t matter if it pleases me or not. You’re an attorney. You present things, I make a ruling about the quality of your presentation based on the 700 years that my fat ass has been sitting on this life-appointment bench, and we go from there. That’s how it works.”

Defense Attorney: “I object!”

Judge Crotchbump: “Of course you do. You represent the accused party. You’re going to object to everything and hope that something sticks. Did you not hear me about the 700 years? Sit your hyperactive self down and wait for me to review the photo. Overruled.”

Prosecuting Attorney, smirking with a bit more self-love than he should have proffered in public, sauntered up to the life-appointment bench and slapped down the photo. “Exhibit A. We might as well turn this over to the jury at this point. Case closed.”

Judge Crotchbump: “Your enthusiasm would be cute if it wasn’t so annoying. What am I looking at here?”

Prosecuting Attorney: “This would be the defendants, clearly engaged in donkey sex.”

Defense Attorney: “I object!”

Judge Crotchbump: “Sustained, mainly because I did not see this coming and I need a bit more information. What the hell are you talking about, Prosecutor?”

Prosecuting Attorney: “Lucy and Fred are obviously inebriated, so we’re willing to accept some leniency during the punishment phase of this trial, but the fact remains that the donkey has been violated in an unacceptable manner.”

Judge Crotchbump: “I see. Actually, I don’t. Granted, the donkey does appear to be in a submissive position, what with the riding and all, but I’m not really seeing the sex angle.”

Prosecuting Attorney: “There’s a lot of wetness, Sir Judge, especially on the pantleg of Fred. This is irrefutable evidence that malfeasance is at play.”

Judge Crotchbump: “That’s completely absurd. Are you a Republican?”

Prosecuting Attorney: “Make America great again!”

Judge Crotchbump: “Yeah, well that’s not going to happen if idiots like you are in charge of the making. This is a still from the ‘Lucy-Desi Comedy Hour’ TV show, and if there’s any desecration going on it’s the fact that Fred MacMurray willingly took part in the absurdity just to remain relevant until he was picked up for that banal ‘My Three Sons’ series.”

Prosecuting Attorney: “That’s a lot of words. I’m not good with lots of words.”

Judge Crotchbump: “My point exactly. So how about you stop watching ‘Fox News’ and get a real life?”

Prosecuting Attorney: “Are you denying me my right to believe what I’ve been told to believe?”

Judge Crotchbump: “Of course not. Free country and all. Except in my courtroom, where I’m rather partial to actual facts, and since you and your little Republican friends don’t have any, I kindly suggest that you blow it out your ass. Case dismissed.”

Note: This is Exhibit #9 in Bonnywood’s March Madness. Details found here.

16 replies »

  1. Despite enforced early morning contemplation of the cringeworthy wetness of Fred’s trousers—before I’m even properly caffeinated—I have to admit the entire buildup is entirely justified by the epic inevitability of that final ass line.

    Liked by 1 person

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