Humor

25 Things That Scotch the Cat Is Probably Thinking in This Picture

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1. “I am king of this box. And my rule will be unstoppable. Anyone who questions my authority will find a mangled cricket on their pillow tonight.”

2. “Why are you asking me to smile? Our people smile for no one.”

3. “Don’t you dare come at me with that feather-on-a-stick thing. I may have succumbed to such evil machinations in my carefree kitty days, but I am older and wiser now. Homey don’t play that.”

4. “Someone said there would be food in here. They must die for their deception.”

5. “How long are we going to sit on the runway before this thing takes off? And where are my peanuts? I specifically asked for peanuts.”

6. “If you don’t go away in the next three seconds, I will knock everything off your desk. And then do it again. And again.”

7. “I have no knowledge of how that hairball managed to appear in the hallway. If you insist on further accusations, I will go to my dark side and stay there.”

8. “I’d like to have a word with you about what I just found in your nightstand.”

9. “At least this box is always here for me and doesn’t go away on ‘vacation’ like you do.”

10. “I shall now perform my mystifying trick of scratching at the absolute nothingness in the bottom of this box for a solid 30 minutes until you snap.”

11. “Let’s revisit this thing about me only getting wet food once a week.”

12. “I like pie.”

13. “I do too have a perfectly good reason for thundering from one end of the house to the other and then jumping halfway up the wall. I’m just not allowed to share critical information with someone who has your crappy level of security clearance.”

14. “I will not be returning your remote control until the other horrid cat in this house is forced to live somewhere else.”

15. “I find it highly amusing when you are walking down a darkened hallway and then you do the funny dance when you think you are stepping on my tail but it’s really one of my 47 cat toys. Please do that some more. Your comical ineptitude is one of the reasons why I conditionally agreed to live here.”

16. “Speaking of, there’s really no reason why I can’t have fifty toys. Or even more. You know how easily those things lose their charm. But I can still tell you exactly where every single one of them is at this very moment.”

17. “We’ve talked about this. I’m not allowed to show you any affection or they will take away one of my merit badges.”

18. “I now have feline seniority in this house. Don’t expect me to give that up easily.”

19. “Notice that green plastic thing on the couch to my right. It used to float. Now it does not. That’s just one of my many powers.”

20. “I will no longer fall for your deceptive practice of luring me with a kitty treat and then shoving a pill down my throat. Those days are over.”

21. “I am waiting for you to lay back on the couch so I can knead your belly with my claws that should have been trimmed a week ago, but you will endure the pain because you love me and I have no idea that I’m ripping you to shreds.”

22. “I greatly enjoy the expression on your face when I leap onto the bed in the middle of the night and land in your crotch. Gets me every time.”

23. “Yes, my eyes are glowing. Most humans fail to understand the meaning of this until it’s too late.”

24. “It doesn’t matter what I’ve done, I can always flop on the floor and do that roll-and-stretch thing, making me so adorably cute that all is forgiven.”

25. “It all goes back to the day when my berries went missing. Are you still claiming that you have no knowledge of how that went down?”


Previously published, slight changes made. This is another one where I’m feeling a bit of a mental gas bubble that I may have shared it more recently than I realize, but since my records show I haven’t shared it in more than five years, I went with it. If I DID just share, please feel free to seek retribution in whatever manner you feel appropriate. Once you’ve survived finding random dead things on your pillow, you can handle most anything. (“It’s a present, Daddy! Love me!”)


Categories: Humor

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43 replies »

    • I remember taking this photo, years ago, and he almost seemed to know exactly what I was doing, posing just so…

      Our current cat, Cleo, has the stretch-and-roll down to a fine art, with every movement choreographed and exquisitely cute. Of course, she usually performs this maneuver right after she’s done something else she shouldn’t have (and we haven’t yet discovered), so she’s just trying to soften the blow with her deception… 😉

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  2. yes…that is exactly what my cat is thinking right now..Plus no 26.. You know I can only sit on your lap if you’re lying under a blanket. No blanket, no lap. I didn’t make the rules I just obey them so stop trying to entice me onto your no blanket lap.Not gonna happen!

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    • Hey, Lindy! It’s good to hear from you, and I hope you’re doing well.

      We have a version of No 26 here at Bonnywood: Cleo the Cat will only sit beside me on the couch if I have placed a folded-up throw in the proper location. And not just any throw, it must be the vintage-looking one which features giant tomatoes for sale. (Long story on the origination of said throw, just accept and move on.) If these precise arrangements have not been made, she will not get on the couch and will go see what Other Daddy has to offer on his couch…

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    • Thank you! I will not be surprised if we wake up one day and discover that felines have taken over the world, and suddenly WE are forced to use a litter box and play with stupid toys made out of feathers and twine…

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    • Thanks, Sheila. If I remember correctly from your stories, you’ve had much more experience with the doggies, and we can get another entire blog post out of THAT angle. (They truly are two entirely different animals. I’ve been a daddy to many of both flavors over the decades.) Cats are a true contradiction, in that they insist on independence yet they are actually very dependent, especially when it comes to their expectation that you do exactly what they want when they want you to do it. Routine is critical to them. Dogs? They just want you to love them, end of requirements… 😉

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  7. I have been a little lax in commenting lately. I’ve been somewhat sidelined…and someone is stalking my blog…I imagine to see if I know something, and if I do know said something…am I writing about it?
    This one tugged a bit on my heartstrings. My little girl had to find a new home, but I know she’s happy.
    I’ll try to keep up a little better. You know I read everything you write, and still bust a gut laughing.
    Hugs…

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    • Oh, no worries about the commenting. (We’ve both had our quite blogging periods where we don’t interact much, it happens.) I do hope your side-lining issues are just annoyances and not anything major, and that this twit-lick stalker will grow up and move on. We’ve got more important things to do, right?

      Sorry to hear about your Little Girl finding a new home. This one also tugged at my heartstrings, as we lost Scotch a few years back and I still miss him, even though he was somewhat insane and would go very dark at times. Crazy-eye but lovable overall, that was Scotch.

      Big hugs to you as well. Let’s try to keep in touch more, yes?

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  9. Why does even the most loveable of cats have that burning yet contemptuous look in the eyes that that the children from ‘The Village Of The Damned’ have? And there is not a cat in the world that would not look perfectly at ease being petted by whatever James Bond villain you wish to name.

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    • Never fully trust a cat. Even the most sweet-natured of them can turn on you in an instant if they don’t get their way, leading to troubled nights wherein you’re afraid to go to sleep, pondering exactly what those sharp claws might do to your innocent, wrinkled neck if you drift off. This is probably why the ancient Egyptians worshipped the cat. They were too scared not to do so… 😉

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  11. Sophie Cat and Scotch would make a great team. We should NEVER let them meet 😱

    Sophie stays outside while Zeus has run of the house, but the very instant he’s locked away with Ben, she’s on top of me with the claws.

    I am her human version of the best cat furniture ever created, and once I have filled her bowl with kibble mixed with cat crack, I must lie still or suffer her wrath.

    I have reminded her that we rescued her from an electrical box where she was abandoned by her mother and siblings, but she won’t hear it. She is Cat. Not only Cat, but Tortie Cat… ’nuff said.

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    • Oh, I agree. Scotch the Cat was challenging enough on his own. If he had been able to tag team with Sophie Cat? Pure anarchy.

      Scotch, for the most part, did not like human interaction beyond the bare-minimum requirements of doing what he had to do to get food in his bowl. I was the one human exception, as he would actually spend time with me, literally kneading on my belly for a good thirty minutes until he fell asleep. Throughout his life, I always had scratches on my tummy.

      He was also a rescue, like Sophie Cat. Partner found his tiny ass one day in a section of flowers we had planted on the side of the house. We called him Pumpkin Patch Kitty at first, as he was initially an orange tabby. Then his coloring softened and his official name became Butterscotch due to the new hue, Scotch for short.

      You may have noticed that I’m using the past tense, because he’s no longer with his. He was a mess, but I do miss the crazy little guy, which is why I yanked this one out of the archives…

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      • I thought I remembered after hitting “send” that Butterscotch had taken his journey across the Rainbow Bridge, but it was too late to change it.
        Sophie is 13 years old this month… I remind myself with every claw prick that I will miss her when she’s gone. This is why I haven’t sent her flying across the room when the claws gets excessively aggressive😉

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  12. Hmm….Charlie asked me the same thing about his “berries.” But I keep telling him I had nothing to do with that. They were already gone when the furry little feline vampire decided I would be his human.

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    • Apparently the Shocking Time of the Berry Loss stays with these little guys forever, and they are never trustworthy of humans again, regardless of the guilt or participation of any specific person. And it’s not like they trusted humans to begin with, always acting shady and plotting nefarious plots in the middle of the night, texting with their feline cohorts in the middle of the night, the glow from their burner phones lighting up their vindictive faces… 😉

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  13. Cats seem to love to hang around edges and to peek over them. … Beautiful yet often misunderstood, prejudged and unjustly despised animals, cats are.

    Only when overpopulations of unwanted cats are greatly reduced in number by responsible owners consistently spaying/neutering their pet felines might these beautiful animals’ presence be truly appreciated, especially for the beneficial effect on the human psyche and symbiotic-like healthy relationship (contrary to common misinformation) they can and do give us. Cats’ qualities, especially their un-humanly innocence, indeed make losing them someday such a heartbreaking experience.

    Yet many people ‘simply don’t like cats,’ and in no small part for their seemingly innate resistance to human commands. Also, with their reptile-like vertical-slit pupils and Hollywood-cliché fanged hiss when confronted, in a world mostly hostile toward snakes, cats may have a permanent PR problem, despite their Internet adorable-pet dominance.

    Meanwhile, it was reported a few years ago that Surrey, B.C. had an estimated 36,000 feral cats, very many of which suffer severe malnourishment, debilitating injury and/or infection. Yet, the municipal government, as well as aware yet uncaring residents, did little or nothing to help with the local non-profit Trap/Neuter/Release program, regardless of their documented success in reducing the needlessly great suffering.

    When I made a monetary donation to the local T/N/R program, a lady volunteer with the Surrey Community Cat Foundation left me a tearful voice mail expressing her appreciation, which to me suggested a scarcity of caring financial donors. It’s the only charity to which I’ve ever donated, in no small part because of the plentiful human callousness towards the cats’ plight.

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    • This is an excellent comment, with me nodding my head in agreement all along, so I fear that anything I might add would just dilute your thoughtful analysis. As with you, I’m very concerned with the feral cat population. Our neighborhood is overrun with such, and although we have a small but dedicated contingent of neighbors doing their best to T/N/R, it’s an uphill battle when the majority of the neighbors are not being responsible. It can get frustrating.

      Thank you for stopping by Bonnywood and taking the time to share your thoughts…

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  15. Pingback: 25 Things That Scotch the Cat Is Probably Thinking in This Picture – Nelsapy

  19. While I’m reading this, Masha is sitting on my laptop. She is our rescue cat. I remember how timid she was in the first months … Lately, she has developed the DAILY habbit of sitting on my keyboard. It drives me bonkers. And hairy.

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    • All of my pets over the years have been rescues, in one form or another. They can initially be a challenge, as they’ve often had some not-good things happen to them, but when you finally bond with them (and you will) they are much more appreciative of finally having a good home. Even if they don’t show it very often…

      Cleo, our current resident feline, is just as annoying with some of her quirks and odd bids for attention. But she loves us, and that’s all that matters in the end…

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