Past Imperfect

Past Imperfect – #159

Nancy: “Why are you banging on my door?”

Banging Man: “Have you accepted Jesus into your heart?”

Nancy: “Does it look like I would be friends with him on Facebook?”

Banging Man: “We can all be redeemed as long as we have faith. And some disposable income for tithing.”

Nancy: “The only way you can be redeemed at this moment is if you are actually here to deliver the Chinese food I ordered an hour ago. Did you bring the shrimp eggrolls?”

Banging Man: “Um, no, I don’t know about the eggrolls… but I do have a brochure about everlasting life and-”

Door slams.

Door opens again. “On second thought, does that little brochure of yours mention eternal damnation?”

Banging Man: “Oh, yes. Many times. We’re really fixated on that.”

Nancy: “Great. Can I have one of your extras? I feel compelled to give it to my ex-husband so he can plan accordingly.”

Banging Man: “Well, I just have the one, because there have been some budget issues at the Redemption Center. And there’s a coffee stain on it from that time I was startled by the image of Our Savior in my breakfast omelet and-”

Door slams.

Door opens again. “How bad is the stain? Because now I’m really invested in giving that thing to my ex.”

Banging Man: “It’s not too terrible, but I really don’t know if I want to give it to you anymore.”

Nancy: “That’s the last thing my husband said to me before I filed for divorce.”

Door slams.

Fred, as in Fred from Wang Chung’s House of Un-Baptized Asian Food, wanders up. “Are you the one that ordered the Shrimp Fiesta Platter?”

Banging Man: “No. But good luck with knocking on that door. You might be here a while.”

Previously published, slight changes made. This piece was not meant to speak ill of Door-Knocking Enthusiasts in our society. The shrimp platter that apparently arrived over an hour after the order was placed, thus calling into question the freshness factor? That’s an entirely different matter…

31 replies »

    • There’s definitely something not quite right about her outfit. At first glace, it seems reasonable and comfortable. But after a few seconds, questions arise. In the previous share of this story, a commenter said it looked like The Shroud of Turin, which would put a completely different spin on the story… 😉

      Liked by 3 people

      • The coffee stain looked a lot like the Shroud of Turin. Either pareidolia, an explanation for how the shroud was created, or a miracle of coffee pigmentation. If you see a face in her gown, it might explain her craving egg rolls at that hour.

        Liked by 2 people

        • Well, I just dragged one of the egg rolls out of the trash bin (they were too soggy!) and it looks just like Victor Hugo during his Golden Crusty period. Damn it. Now I have to rewrite the entire story…

          Liked by 2 people

          • Well, that’s how the New Testament started, part rewrite part sequel. Darn I just spilt my drink on my shirt. Hmm, that looks like Charles Dickens and the lost aviatrix, Amelia Earhart. What is that they are doing – oh my….

            Liked by 2 people

  1. I come from a long line of folks who go silent when there’s a knock on the door.
    The Kootie did make getting our deliveries much more pleasant. Strangely though, the pizza person still insists on actual contact 🤔

    I sometimes worry about Jesus. So many folks say they found him, I’m wondering why he keeps getting lost? Or is it a newfangled thing like that Waldo guy? Did I miss out on what the Cool Kids are doing again?

    Liked by 3 people

    • Oh, I go silent as well when there’s a knock. If I’m not expecting a delivery of some kind, I go into stealth mode and review the porch occupant from at least one strategic window. If I get any instinct that said occupant wants to sell me anything (and you can usually tell just by their stance), I go back to doing whatever I was doing and pretend that I didn’t hear nothin’…

      Poor Jesus. I guess he doesn’t have GPS on his smartphone and keeps wandering off…

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Oh Brian,
    You always manage to make me laugh, particularly like the Facebook bit.
    Speaking of door bangers/bell ringers reminds me of an incident a few weeks ago in our apartment for the over 55 yrs.
    Ours is a ground floor apartment of two storeys each with numbered doors.
    I had just got in bed for a quick afternoon shut eye when the bell rang.
    Somehow I didn’t want to ignore it in case it was a neighbour.
    I opened the door and before I could say Jack Robinson this masked guy rushed in saying ‘stair lift’. I quickly replied ‘we haven’t got one’ which perhaps coincided with him realising we had no stairs. 🙈

    Liked by 3 people

    • Hey, Margaret.

      Well, I always love it when I can get you to giggle. After all, Bonnywood is all about smiling, with a little bit of serious tossed into the mix.

      Now, this Masked Guy. Does this happen a lot in your neighborhood. I mean, it’s mildly exciting in a certain way, but I mostly wouldn’t care for it….

      And “quick afternoon shut eyes” are the best. Life is just more enjoyable when you spend part of your afternoon unconscious… 😉

      Liked by 1 person

      • No Brian, sorry to disappoint you just Covid mask and boo booed with address ( apartment number). Because this is accommodation for over 55years sadly some think can carry on regardless. I.d badges don’t come into the equation, just put it down to ignorance on their part.
        No, I am pleased to say Chorley is a moderate sized market town with easy access to the countryside and seaside and not a high crime rate.
        Our local Member of Parliament is Sir Lindsay Hoyle who is also the Speaker of the House of Commons. Lindsay walks freely with an assistant around the town and we always exchange greetings.
        I never feel unsafe somehow.

        Yes abit of shut eye now and again recharged the batteries.

        As always thank you for your prompt response 🙂

        Liked by 2 people

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