Humor

10 Classic Films Re-Envisioned as Horror Movies


1. The Grapes of Wraith

A killer is stalking dot.com millionaires at the Fancy Pants Vineyards in Napa Valley. The inheritors of the millionaires are stalking the stalker to make sure he hurries the hell up with the killing.

2. The Princess Fried

The members of a royal family are immolating one by one under mysterious circumstances, with the main circumstance being that people generally don’t spontaneously combust without some degree of assistance. However, because the massive and darkly-lit castle doesn’t have wi-fi, news travels slowly and it takes a very long time for anyone to connect the barbecue dots.

3. Rebecca of Sunnybrook Harm

Poor urchins are taken in by wealthy relatives in 1900s Maine. They spend their mornings singing gospel songs in a quaint church that smells like Puritans, their afternoons riding horses with names like Tulip and Bumblebee, and their nights running in abject terror from a pitchfork-wielding psycho named Bucky Joe. Momma would have told them there would be days like this, but Momma was a drunk and things were lost in translation.

4. Citizen Pain

Bright-eyed college students are very excited about participating in the presidential campaign of a progressive liberal, but they are stunned to learn that the conservative opponent in the race will stop at nothing to ensure a victory. Five of them find themselves trapped in a slaughterhouse filled with wickedness, depravity, nepotism, alternate truths, quid pro quo, and a shocking misunderstanding of the Constitution. (In certain foreign markets, the movie will be released as “Trump Tower-Moscow: The Beginning of the End”.)

5. Dr. Stranglelove

In the Red Light District of 1910s New Orleans, purveyors of pleasure wake up one day to discover that one of them did not, and the deadly dominoes fall from there, with tarts transpiring hither and yon. Sally Succulent, a newbie to the nubile nexus, becomes determined to determine who is sinistering her sisters. She races about the rude rues of Nawlins in search of clues, but her efforts are hampered by the long lines at Café du Monde spilling into the streets.

6. Raging Skull

Innocent high-school students (well, mostly) in the not-so-innocent town of Gravy Bucket, Oklahoma are having collective nightmares of being hunted down by skeletons from the local cemetery located on Death Lane Drive. Suddenly, but not surprisingly because it’s a horror movie, said students begin to not show up for Miss Abigail Abernathy’s home economics class at Gravy Bucket High. (Home of the Bucketeers. Go team!) Once her truancy level hits fifty percent, and thereby jeopardizing her profit-sharing potential, Abby Ab dons a superhero outfit (which she made herself, natch, because she teaches home economics) and races to Death Lane Drive, where she prepares to battle for the souls of the truant tykes. Awkward special effects ensue.

7. Lawrence of Barbaria

Archaeologists stumble upon the ancient tomb of actor Peter O’Toole, mainly because one of their hired camels spit at a sand dune and suddenly a hidden shaft appeared. Inside the tomb, said archaeologists (all of them sweaty and scantily-clad because, when all else fails, sex sells a movie) discover both an empty sarcophagus and some Twitter hieroglyphics on the wall indicating that the ancient Peter is a bit pissed off that he was nominated eight times for an Academy Award but never won. The dewy archaeologists race out of the tomb (with one of the cosmetically-enhanced females managing to expose an aroused nipple for no apparent reason, because sex sells), hoping to alert the voting members of the Academy that maybe they should lock their doors tonight.

8. Forrest Dump

Someone is tracking down and destroying the careers of sociopaths posing as conservative talk-show radio hosts in America, leaving the amoral remains of their lies in shallow graves on the outskirts of town. No one with any ounce of decency cares.

9. Fright Club

A contingent of misogynistic men gather in a secretive chamber and plot out how they plan to Make America Penis-Based Again. Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Supreme Court Justice Extraordinaire, gets wind of said plot and bitch-slaps said fellow members of said Supreme Court in said secret chamber. An epic battle ensues with the soul of the nation at stake. Sadly, this one is a documentary, and the repercussions will affect us for decades, making this the scariest entry on the list.

10. The Sixth Rinse

Due to corporate greed and malfeasance, a new shampoo product is unleashed on the populace despite warnings from reputable scientists that said shampoo does not play well with life expectancy. One of the scientists, Guatemala de Guata, appears on CNN, warning the world that the human body can only tolerate five applications of the toxic goo. After that, apathy and lethargy and non-voting and desensitization will occur.

In other words, just another day in the capitalistic dehumanization of America.

Too much? Well, what would you rather deal with, the ghosts you’ve never seen or the ghouls who walk in plain sight, many of them elected representatives who have no interest in representing?

Fight the good fight. Let’s Make American Decent Again.

Cheers.


Note: Previously published, minimal changes made. This movie-themed re-share is (hopefully) an amusing placeholder, giving me time to review the suggestions from the previous post wherein I requested classic movies that need a bit of skewering…


34 replies »

  1. Definitely would want to see the Grapes of Wraith. Harry and Meghan are doing the production catering, and centrally featuring their new meatless humble pie and roast crow recipes. Waiting around for people to die leaves lots of room for creativity. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  2. 10 out of 10. How about ‘The Green Berates?’ Grizzled patriotic/patriarchal/paranoid Col Kranky /John Wayne schools some snowflake reporter on the Rightness of destroying Viet Nam in order to save it. Hey, you wanted Horror, it doesn’t get scarier than the Doofu- the Duke putting us Right. Thing is I saw it as Z grade/Horror/comedy, I didn’t realise it was supposed to be straight up Gospel ‘truth.’

    Liked by 3 people

    • Oh, don’t even get me started on The Duchess. Oh wait, too late. Everything about that man’s image was a lie, a completely fabricated persona. (Granted, there were a lot of manufactured images in the Golden Age of Hollywood, but this one takes top dubious honors.) I’ll think about doing doing a skewer of “The Green Berates”, but I have to be honest and fess up that overcoming my repulsion at re-watching that mess of tripe is a very high mountain… 😉

      Liked by 1 person

      • The only way to watch it without throwing a gin and tonic/Aunt Maudes wedding present vase with a picture of our Lord And Saviour Jesus Kerist Almighty on its side/a boot/the remote/whatever comes to hand is to put the TV behind a protective screen of chicken wire å la The Blues Brothers.

        Liked by 2 people

  3. A Wolfman for All Seasons: Thomas More, played by Lon Cheney Jr., opposes King Henry of England when he announces he will split from the Catholic church. More is then bitten by a werewolf and terrorizes the people of York until he is killed with a silver-headed cane…

    Liked by 1 person

    • This is a great idea, as the story is a terrific launching pan for numerous dissatisfactions with society, including the fact that the original movie had a running time of 756 hours. Or at least it seemed that long. I mean, how many extended soliloquies do we really need?

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I am wondering if Gravy Bucket High has a mascot. This says way too much about me if in all that you shared, the bucket is what makes the most lasting impression. What can I say. I am more interested in food than movies.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Well, Gravy Bucket High USED to have a mascot, but he was killed off shortly after the opening credits of the movie. (Some mess involving tainted chicken feed and a misunderstanding about the properties of electricity.) Since no one since has been interested in wearing a clown outfit that smells like burnt poultry, the position is still open. Are you interested? The school has a surprisingly generous medical plan for a hick town in Oklahoma…

      Liked by 1 person

  5. And then there’s THE BEST YEARS OF OUR WIVES, in which three veterans come back from some war or other, only to find that their wives have seduced the director, turned their homes into brothels, and changed the film’s title to FROM HERE TO INIQUITY. The husbands threaten to kill their wives, but tragedy is averted when, at the last moment, the wives agree to let the husbands enjoy their services at a reduced veterans’ discount rate.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Brilliant! In fact, this gives me a much deeper understanding of the original movie, filling in the head-scratching parts that I didn’t quite get. With your new vision, we could create a cinematic masterpiece that will sweep the Oscars. Or it might get us deported to less-savory parts of Argentina, forced to huddle in bunkers with the aging remnants of the Nazi party. (Wow, not sure why I went THERE. Perhaps I shouldn’t have had the second spicy burrito with dinner.) Still, we must stay true to our art, as honest creativity involves great risk and… hang on, I’m getting a call.

      Me: “Hello?”

      My Therapist: “Stop it. Stop it now. We’ve talked about this.”

      Me: “Okay, fine. But why must you suck the joy out of my life?”

      My Therapist: “Because you pay me to do so. Speaking of, this phone call is costing you two hundred dollars in consultation fees.”

      Click.

      Liked by 1 person

    • I briefly considered going in that direction, but I’m taking antibiotics right now, following a procedure, and those things make me, um, very busy down under. It’s too much of an emotional minefield right now. Maybe next time? 😉

      Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you! I tried reading “Pride and Prejudice and Zombies” several years ago, and my thoughts were the same. Very funny, but very confusing at times with the transitions and plot. I didn’t actually finish the book because I grew weary of trying to figure out exactly where we were in the narrative…

      Liked by 1 person

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