Past Imperfect – #441

Marlon, center left: “Honey, these gentlemen would like to speak to you about our houseboy who went missing last night.”

Elizabeth, center right: “Why on earth would they think I had anything to do with that?”

Marlon: “Well, it’s your hair, dear. It’s obvious that it can’t be all yours so there must be something shoved up in there.”

Elizabeth: “So you think I’m using the hired help to give me volume?”

Marlon: “Well, it does sound a bit odd when you put it like that. But we can’t find him. And you were the last person he was seen with, when the two of you were spotted singing show tunes on the lanai.”

Elizabeth: “This is absurd. I think this is all a charade you planned out just so your beastly army buddies can ogle my stellar breasts.”

Marlon: “Well, I must say that I didn’t see that line coming.”

Elizabeth: “Of course you didn’t. You never pay attention to anything. But I do. Like the bandage on your temple. What’s going on with that? Did you hurt yourself when you snuffed out the life of the houseboy because he can carry a tune and you can’t?”

Marlon: “Actually, no. I got this laceration last night in bed when you flipped over and your hair came at me like a weed-whacker in heat.” 

Cigarette-Smoking Man on the right, long before he began appearing in cryptic episodes of The X-Files: “Can we be done with all these sexual euphemisms? I’m late for my tee-off time at the country club, which is much more important than any of this.”

Elizabeth: “We could be done. But why take away from the fun? Besides, I’ve noticed that you are the only one in the room who isn’t looking at Jupiter and Saturn. Something tells me you might know a show tune or two. Care to elaborate? You can be euphemistic about it, if you want. Like the cigarette you’re smoking.”

Cig Man: “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

Elizabeth: “Exactly. I know the feeling very well, with these pointless accusations. Now, all of you, get the hell out of my house. I’m late for an appointment as well. I’m due for a hydraulic injection at Edna Mae’s Beauty Shop, and she doesn’t take kindly to latecomers. Now scoot!”

Previously published, slight changes made.

Later that afternoon…

Edna Mae, at the beauty shop: “Darlin’, I don’t know if should jack this hair of yours any higher. Aren’t you afraid of low-flying planes?”

Elizabeth: “Girl, that’s the least of my worries right now. Jack away. Say, do you know any houseboys who can sing? I seem to be a bit short on those lately.”

Edna Mae: “Well, there’s that one cousin of mine who can sing the hell out of a show tune even though he pretends like he doesn’t know any of those songs. Name is Mike Pence. He’s not doing anything important these days, especially since the company he used to work for has been bought out by the National Rifle Association.”

Elizabeth: “Sounds perfect. Write his number on one of your business cards and tuck it into my hair on my way out.”

28 replies »

  1. Hairdo: this whole thing is a ruse to throw off the press. Everyone knows that Liz and Marlon have a thing.
    Bandage: definitely. That’s why I’m here. I mean, something has to stop his brains from leaking down the side of his face while he figures out how to stay married to two wives at the same time, keep his lover happy and stupid, and afford Liz and her baubles. That’s a lot, and it’s getting bigger.
    Hairdo: other than me, what’s getting bigger?
    Bandage: all this ego. Stinks around here. The only thing worse is that hair-guy. Donnie Dump.
    Hairdo: (salivating lasciviously) hair-guy?
    Bandage: sorry, he doesn’t have real hair. Like the rest of him, it’s all fake.
    Hairdo: how disappointing … but back to Liz and Mar.
    Hairdo never did have a strong attention span.

    Liked by 3 people

    • Cleo the Cat: “I have something to share with you.”

      Me: “Hopefully it’s something important, because Daddy is really busy pretending to work on his stories.”

      Cleo: “This Lynette person. She’s really funny.”

      Me: “That’s sweet of you to say.”

      Cleo: “I’m not being sweet. I’m saying it to make you rethink your own writing. Perhaps you could hire Lynette to write your posts for you, until you figure out how to actually do them the right way.”

      Me: “You couldn’t care less about my stories. Where is this anger REALLY coming from?”

      Cleo: “I’m glad you asked. We need to talk about the timing of my treat dispersal.”

      Me: “We’ve already had this discussion. You get two treats a day. End of story.”

      Cleo: “That’s animal abuse. I’m calling my lawyer.”

      Me: “Do you want me to make it ONCE a day? Now go to your room and think about how to be a better kitty.”

      Cleo: “This IS my room. This entire house is my room. I only let you live here because you can rescue my puff balls when I whack them under the sofa.”

      Liked by 2 people

  2. I don’t do well with these. I lack creative imaginative responses…but I have heard that when Elizabeth Taylor (between her 56,000 husbands) was asked who she would like to be stranded with on a deserted island, her response was…Paul Newman. I’ve also heard that he and Marlon Brando were lovers…at least that was the word over the Hollywood CB radios from handles like “Cletus”, “Dingleberry” and “I’ve got you kivered.”
    Come on back?

    Liked by 3 people

    • Oh, you can’t fool me. Your responses are always fun and interesting and sharply witty.

      I don’t know anything about the Brando/Newman angle, but I do know that Marlon did not stick to any strict agenda when it came to amorous adventures. And wouldn’t it be great if everyone was open-minded about who they might possibly take a fancy to?

      Cletus: “Hell no! There’s only one way to do it. Or so I’ve heard.”

      Dingleberry: “I ain’t doin’ nuthin’ that looks like me.”

      I’ve Got You Kivered: “Um, I wouldn’t mind somebody sending me a brochure. I’m asking for a friend, of course.”

      Liked by 2 people

  3. I love the reference to Marlboro Man from X-Files!!

    And of course I love me some Big Hair… 80s, Duh! But that mess on top of Liz’s head is just wrong on too many levels to contemplate… sober, anyway…
    Even her glorious girls can’t keep the eye from wandering up and wondering just what the Hello Kitty is going on there?

    Liked by 3 people

    • First, I think it’s time to go back and peruse once again the whole X-Files series. I loved that show back in the day. It was so quirky and weird, so I was naturally transfixed…

      Second, yep, the 80s were all about that Big Hair. (And frankly, many of the men had bigger hair than the women, especially when it came to musicians. Apparently your band could only get an album contract if every male member had hair bigger than New Hampshire.)

      Third, I have no idea why Liz agreed to sport this hairstyle in this movie. She was usually very strategic when it came to her coiffure and couture choices, always on the cutting edge. But this mess? We definitely needed some cutting… 😉

      Liked by 2 people

    • Hair is versatile, and one can do SO many things with it. Make a fashion statement, store important items that you might need later, use it as handy weapon in a tense situation or to prop up the foundation of you house. The list is endless. Sadly, most people don’t realize the full potential of their hair and they just let it hang there… 😉

      Liked by 2 people

      • Hahaha, that’s so true. Most people only think that hair doesn’t contribute biological functionalities and don’t regard it as an important “organ”. However in modern society, hair is almost everything. I can cite people (actresses for example) who got their breakthrough roles due to their abundant and voluminous hair. And actors too. Also people in other professions.

        Liked by 2 people

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