Humor

Past Imperfect – #94


  Angelina was not in a festive mood. She had only agreed to pose for the up-and-coming photographer due to a whimsical bet that had gone awry at the country club. Then there was that whole mess with some government guy wanting to speak with her about the legal status of her domestic help. And, perhaps most annoying of all, she had once again inadvertently glued her hand to the side of her head just as Pedro had arrived with a tray of cocktails.

Angelina: “Pedro, I’m in a bit of a pickle.”

Pedro: “Is there a strange man in your bed once again? No worries. I’ll find him something nice in the petty cash drawer and then have him escorted out the servants’ entrance.”

Angelina: “Oh, I had completely forgotten that I entertained last night, so please be a dear and make those arrangements shortly. I believe his name is name is Montpelier, although that might just be the bar where I found him. But no, my immediate issue is that I’ve had a mishap with some adhesive and now my drinking hand is bonded to my head. It’s so frustrating when this happens.”

Pedro: “Ah, I see that now. Well, we can attend to that momentarily. But before I have the gardener report to the main house, I should point out that these drinks are on the verge of getting warm, and you know how miffed you get when that happens. Perhaps you could use your other, non-drinking hand? Since we’re in a pinch?”

Angelina: “Are you insane? The other hand is my smoking hand and I’m not about to put this cigarette down unless Montpelier arises and is interested in Round Seven instead of the cash option.”

Pedro: “How horrid of me to suggest such a thing. Instead, perhaps you could just tilt your head back and make like a baby bird. I’ll pour the martini directly down your throat.”

Angelina: “Splendid!”

[Sounds of modified water-boarding fill the air, followed by a not-so-discreet belch. It’s hard to be lady-like when one is guzzling.]

Pedro: “All better now?”

Angelina: “Much. In fact, you’ve proven yourself so valuable during this time of personal crisis, perhaps you could support me in the alleviation of a few other dramas.”

Pedro: “I’m here to help you out with whatever you need, mainly because you pay me to do just that. It’s a basic economic principle. How can I assist you in a way that does not jeopardize my yearning need to flee this compound precisely at the end of my shift?”

Angelina: “There’s some horrid government man coming to make sure my employees are legal residents and I don’t know if-”

Pedro: “Say no more. Everyone on the staff has at least three sets of documentation. After all, your late husband, may he rest in peace after his mysterious fall from your bedroom balcony just minutes after the two of you had an intense conversation about infidelity, was a Republican. He prepared us all to be able to change our identities and beliefs by the hour. There shouldn’t be an issue with the horrid government man.”

Angelina: “Wonderful. And then there’s the matter of the horrid photographer who wants to take my picture for Vanity Unfair. I just can’t bear the thought of him hovering about until all of my limbs have liberty and mobility. Could you detain him for a bit until the gardener gets here with the hedge trimmers?”

Pedro: “Worry not. He’s out on the guest lanai right now, holding a rather large zoom lens in his lap and fiddling with the settings. I can assure you that such imagery has inspired me to perform great and noble acts of lusty pursuit. I believe I can keep him occupied.”

Angelina: “Oh? I guess I hadn’t noticed your team affiliation.”

Pedro: “It’s another of my many skill sets. Just ask Montpelier.”

Angelina: “Really? I didn’t realize that we were double-dipping. Wait, did your dipping take place during my dipping? What exactly happened last night?”

Pedro: “Rest assured that it was not a complete bacchanal. There was just this brief three-hour window when you were face down on your private beach, weakly singing nursery rhymes, and Monty went exploring a bit. A certain situation arose and I got my Christmas bonus a bit early.”

Angelina: “Well, then. It appears that you have things under control. Run take care of Vanity Man whilst I await the gardener. But before you go?”

Pedro: “Yes?”

Angelina: “I see that there are still two martinis on your tray. And Baby Bird needs another worm.”

Pedro: “Don’t we all, Madame. Don’t we all.” 


Previously published in “Crusty Pie” (just the first paragraph) and “Bonnywood Manor” (the extended remix). Only one tiny change made for this post, which subtly changes the ending, hopefully for the better. Side note to the classic-movie aficionados out there: My notes indicate that this photo is Mary Astor in a still from “The Maltese Falcon”, but I don’t recall this scene, not all these decades later. (I could very well be having a senior moment.) Anyone have some insight?


29 replies »

  1. I haven’t seen the movie, so I am bereft of insight… apologies.

    One must never use the smoking hand to drink or vice versa. It just isn’t done.

    I’m happy to read that Pedro got his bonus early and found it satisfactory.

    I *do* wonder how our heroine’s drinking hand became affixed to her head. Having suffered uncountable odd mishaps of my own, I feel a kindred connection… of course, being practical, I would’ve asked Pedro to leave the tray of drinks and a straw. One doesn’t need a drinking hand, a smokinghand, or to be treated like a baby bird to get their beverage on… or in😉

    Our heroine looks like she could dazzle a few of the boys with straw moving abilities… just sayin…😉

    Liked by 6 people

    • Agreed, one must never use the wrong hand unless it simply can’t be avoided.

      Pedro has not stopped smiling since I first reported this account from the scene.

      As with you, I did initially question Angelina’s sticky issue, but then I reflected back on my own choices in the past and, yep, it’s entirely possible that she got where she did without any malfeasance intended. Yes, she could have just asked for a straw and some privacy concerning the drinks, but where’s the drama in that? Angelina (and Pedro) seem all about the drama…

      Liked by 3 people

  2. Possibly Mary was trying to keep her cigarette from setting her pearls on fire.

    Reminded me of a scene in the tv series The Closer when a serial killer asked Brenda Leigh the police captain if she smoked after sex?
    She replied “I don’t know. I never looked.”

    I ain’t right, Brian.

    Liked by 6 people

    • Girl IS rather proud of her pearls, so I’m sure you’re right with the protection angle.

      I am SO glad you brought up “The Closer”. Partner and I are just about to wrap up the current series we are watching on DVD, “Fringe”. Which means we need to select a new one, and since we have hundreds of options (our “not yet watched” collection is massive, because we’re both a bit OCD in that area), it can take us forever to reach a mutual decision. Just yesterday (seriously, not making this up), my eyes landed on “The Closer” as I was perusing options, and I thought “hey, maybe that should be our next one. But I need to have a strong case for choosing that one in order for Partner to agree.”

      So, this is where you come in: Did you enjoy that series? Based on your quote alone, I know I would find it festive. Please advise.

      And please, part two, embrace your “ain’t rightness”. I want all of my friends to be that way. In fact, I don’t really trust anyone that isn’t at least a little bit off… 😉

      Liked by 4 people

      • I LOVED The Closer – but full disclosure here. Mostly I was love with Kyra Sedgwick who was at her prime during that time. I remember being brought down when Pretty who is my Cultural Advisor informed me she was married to Kevin Bacon.
        But then, I heard she lost tons of money in the Madoff financial scam – and happily blamed it on Kevin.
        I thought it was quite festive.
        But I don’t want to have Partner mad at me if he finds it too, well, predictable.
        I prefer the older series since I’m older. My only Ding to stop was Criminal Minds – a little too criminal for me.
        We are now watching Ted Lasso together (again!). We finally signed up for Apple TV just to see what the hoopla was about. Now we are in love with the Blonde Boss and Keely.
        Pretty still works loads during the days we’re not babysitting the Grands 1 & 2 so I sneak my shows when tennis has a break.
        Thank you for acknowledging the “ain’t rightness.” Birds of a feather, you know.
        Hugs and kisses

        Liked by 2 people

    • I must say that I’m very intrigued by “made models like a cool guy”. What kind of models? How was glue involved? Am I right in sensing that there was nudity involved, in some way? Was there an open bar available during the process? My overactive imagination is simply buzzing right now… 😉

      Liked by 2 people

    • Well, it’s sort of a movie about a falcon. But the falcon isn’t real, which is just one of the many twists. But yes, watching baby birds finally conquering the ether is fine, indeed. And it reminds me of my childhood… 😉

      Liked by 3 people

    • Thank you! I was pretty sure my notes were wrong. (As well as the person I cribbed that note from whilst snatching the photo off the internet.) Good to know that not all of my faculties have decayed completely… 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Apropos of nothing…In one of your posts you were saying you have, I think I recall, a couple of hundred blogs you follow; I was doing a ‘see where the journey takes me’ on WP Reader- find a subject, visit the fourth person to like the site, visit the fourth on their site etc. I kept coming across the Lageosse image on a fair few sites- you have a wide ranging interest!

    Liked by 3 people

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