Humor

Thighs and Whispers: The Shameless Perversion of Classic Book Titles in a Desperate Attempt to Create a Clever Blog Post


Fair disclosure: This one gets a little naughty…


1. David, Cop Her Feel   (“A dispirited lad in London suddenly realizes that women have breasts and he chooses a new career path as a test subject in Knackered Nancy’s Massage School for Busty Lasses.”)

2. Jane Erred   (“A Young Woman in 19th Century England is socially-shunned after failing to grasp the concepts of modesty, monogamy, and avoidance of swarthy stable hands who sweat alluringly.”)

3. The Bi Bull   (“Muscular Adam wanders into an unexplored section of the Garden of Eden, where he is surprised to discover that he is not the only man in paradise and, thanks to the fig leaf-less vision before him, Eve is not the only one being tempted by a snake.”)

4. The Crepes of Wrath   (“Someone has murdered Master Chef Pierre Gastronomie at La Maison de Egoiste, after apparently having bumped uglies with him, based on the amorous markings in the flour on the kitchen floor. It is clearly a crime of passion, and Detective Sophie Succulenta must get to the bottom of who got to Pierre’s bottom before Michelin recants the five-star rating of the restaurant.”)

5. Howard’s End   (“Sometimes things are only humorous if you’ve just read the previous entry…”)

6. The Girl with the Draggin’ Tattoo   (“Rampant Slap-and-Tickle overtakes the Beaver Valley Home for the Creatively-Aged after someone spikes the prune juice. Initial evidence points to the occupant of Room C-37, wherein resides a woman who used to be in a punk rock band several hundred years ago and has the wrinkled ink to prove it. But things are not always what they seem…”)

7. The Sound and the Fury   (“Bad things happen when you don’t turn your cell phone off once you retire to the boudoir.”)

8. The Fault in our Starch   (“The disparate members of an Erectile-Dysfunction Anonymous chapter learn about ways to enhance personal growth during weekly meetings in the basement of a Chinese laundry.”)

9. Sometimes a Great Lotion   (“Desperate to increase the turnover rates in her New Orleans brothel, Madame Mimi has a moment of inspiration and invents a lubricant that expedites matters.”)

10. The Great Gaspy   (“Some folks really need to work on their dismount so we don’t become concerned that we should call emergency services.”)

11. Something Wicked This Way Comes   (“Cautionary tales concerning why stupid people shouldn’t be allowed to breed.”)

12. The Call of the Mild   (“You can’t always get what you want if you don’t tell your partner what you really need.”)

13. A Farewell to Charms   (“In a dystopian future involving a misogynistic President, men who still live in their parents’ basements rise up in surprising numbers, unwashed and clueless but convinced that they can grab women by the inequality. A counter-rebellion coalition is quickly formed, led by woman in pink hats and joined by, well, anyone with an ounce of decency.”)

14. Paradise Found   (“Angsty teen Billy discovers his father’s porno stash in the woodshed. Brief thrill is quickly followed by awkward moments at the family dinner table.”)

15. The Son Also Rises   (“A charming coming-of-age tale wherein a proud papa escorts his eldest offspring to Miss Mona’s Chicken Ranch.”)

16. The Scarlet Tether   (“A free-spirited maiden discreetly explores bondage in a remote Puritan village. After all, once the crops are in, you’ve got to find something to do during the harsh winter months.”

17.  The Count of Mount Crisco   (“Rousing swordplay in a French manor house, as the kitchen staff gets randy in the larder pantry and Lord Menage-a-Trois decides to make it a competition. Festive sporting events such as this were quite common before the morphine-drip of social media was invented, making this a morality tale for the ages.”)

18. The French Lieutenant’s Inflatable Woman   (“A misguided young man spends too much time looking for love in all the wrong plastics.”)

19. Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close   (“A character study detailing the various reactions of several siblings when they gather for Christmas at the family estate, only to discover that Daddy has remarried and there is no place to hide from the sounds of his energetic nightly consummations. Accusations and medications ensue.”)

20. The Wenching Hour   (“A lyrical nostalgia piece about a budding young writer attending college in early 1980s Oklahoma, sterling student by day and tragic tramp by night. Includes several pages of shocking photos, a remixed CD of Duran Duran hits, and a coupon for a free pair of parachute pants. This story is loosely based on someone you might know.”

Cheers.


Previously published in “Bonnywood Manor”. No changes made.

Note: The “Thighs and Whispers” bit in the title was nicked from Bette Midler’s 1979 album of the same name. (I can’t be creative all the time.) But YOU can. How about suggesting your own twisted titles below? You don’t have to include a description as well, but it does make it more fun when you do so. Go on. You know you want to…


38 replies »

    • Truth be told, no, I often don’t have the ability to turn it off at night. Most of the time my mind whizzes and whirs for hours, and there have been countless instances wherein I just give up on the effort at slumber and go work on another story… 😉

      Liked by 2 people

  1. these are brilliant! when my children were young I taught them my nicknames for things and they grew up saying them, not always the best. ) examples were the old caramel apple wrap around that was popular, called ‘wrapples’. ‘I called them crapples because I thought it was a better name, and I called big boy restaurant ‘pig boy’, etc, and they taught all of their friends, with mixed results.

    Liked by 2 people

    • First, I remember them there “wrapples”. We just HAD to have them, but then we discovered that they didn’t really work all that well, and the thrill was quickly gone. “Crapples” would have been much more truthful advertising…

      Second, yes, it’s a startling fact of life that children often remember things that perhaps they shouldn’t remember. You can make an innocent off-hand remark and suddenly your words are all over the neighborhood and the other parents are marching up your driveway with pitchforks and torches. Or maybe that only happens in Oklahoma… 😉

      Liked by 1 person

      • Bwahahahaha! I’m a riddle wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma. I don’t read but have an enormous amount of knowledge about famous writers and their work. The few times I was talked to about anything (among other self-interests) was books. I paid attention. I have a reverence for them. I think it’s sinful for them to be cast aside once read and eventually discarded, despite my declarations of my abhorrence of actually reading one. Go figure. 🥴

        Liked by 1 person

  2. The Three Way Muskateers – why just two swords when three is more fun

    A Tale of Two Biddies – Lesbian love in the retirement home

    Of Dykes and Men – Drag Kings and their lovers

    Must be Pride Month that’s skewing all my titles away from the Heteros🤷🏼‍♀️😂😂😂

    Liked by 3 people

    • Love these! (And yes, Pride Month is a wonderful time, and there’s no reason not to celebrate diversity however we can.) This is the third time I’ve posted this piece, and each time I get lots of great suggestions in the comments. I really need to collate them all and do a new piece, but that would take focus and time, and we both know that’s a rare commodity in our lives these days…

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Always love the wordplay, great stuff. 9 and 11 are quite unbecoming- in a good way, of course and number 20 has a hint of fact/fantasy to it I’m sure. Always enjoy going off to weird places when in search of an answer to a challenge, but this wound up way wayyyy off the wall. (Blame too many gin and tonics from the night before.) Spot the hidden theme? ‘The Pit And The Perspirant.’ Edger ‘Aromatic’ Poe. Killer thriller that leaves you sweating buckets. ‘Fahrenheit Frikkin’ Hot.’ Ray BadBO-Very. Incendiary page burner- leaves reader hot under the collar. ‘God Bless You Mr Rexona’ Kurt Sweatalot. Curt talk about the trickle down effect. ‘Dove’s Labours Lost.’ William Staywayclear. Wait long enough- love stinks. E. L Shame’s ‘Fifty Sprays Of Glade’. For when the ol’ pits are taking a whippin’ and Nivia Sensitive just will not do.

    Liked by 3 people

    • Okay, it’s official, I simply MUST gather all the comment suggestions for the three sharings of this post and create a new compendium that is reader based. King Ben’s Grandma already had me leaning that way, but you just knocked me over the contemplation-edge with your titles and authors. Your wordplay is quite admirable. Hopefully I can put something together before 2027, but that’s a pretty high bar for me and my inability to focus.

      P.S. Yes, #20 is 93% fact. There’s a degree of lingering shame, but damn did I have a good time…

      Liked by 2 people

  4. The way I heard #15 is that papa escorted his eldest offspring one morning to Miss Cross’s Christian Ranch to see the son rise, which made papa so proud that he left his son with Miss Cross for further indoctrination.

    Liked by 2 people

    • I’ve heard that version as well, whilst sitting around a campfire in the Erotica Mountains in 1982. I suppose there are many variations floating about, but they all come down to the same thing: You aren’t really a man until someone has paid someone else to assist you in the 13 seconds it takes you to get there… 😉

      Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks, Sheila.

      I did a bit of googling to see if Miss Mona’s was still alive and kinking, but the results were mixed. Some articles indicated that the place was long dusty and abandoned, whilst others gave the impression that there was still SOMETHING there, albeit in a different form. I suppose I could do further research by making a road trio to La Grange, but, well, it’s La Grange, and I might need some added incentive to actually go there… 😉

      Liked by 1 person

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