Humor

15 Updated Adult Beverages to Help You Cope With Modern Society


1. The Surly Temple

  This drink was originally created to placate people who confused their uptight religious upbringing (no demon alcohol!) with their natural social inclination to have a good time with their less salvation-based friends. Sadly, because the Surly Temple has no actual alcohol and did nothing to make prudish people relax their sphincters, the ordering of a Surly Temple by restaurant and/or bar patrons became a clear signal to the service staff that “this is somebody who is not going to tip well because they have issues. Skip the dessert presentation and get them out of here.”

2. The Marge Or Rita

  This is the drink you should order when the bartender hollers “Last Call!” to help you determine who you get to share hangovers with the next morning. Guzzle the drink, scan the remnants of the crowd, make your selection from the limited take-out menu, and go. (For those who prefer a male companion, might I suggest the “Mark Or Pete-Ah”, and the “Sarge Or Rita” should work nicely for those who spin the dial.)

3. Gin and Chronic

  This will help you live with all those recurring body aches and pains that mysteriously and suddenly appear at the very second you turn 50. (You know, those things you tell your doctor about but he gives you a dismissive “get over it, girl” hand wave, because you’ve reached that point of personal-decay where a simple sneeze can throw your back out. Then the doctor bills your insurance company 700 dollars for the three minutes he spent pretending to examine you.)

4. Rum and Cope

  This is the recommended beverage to mainline before you attend a family reunion, because it’s inevitable that some dumb-ass is going to do something completely dumb-ass that jeopardizes the comfort-level of everyone except the dumb-ass. This is just how things work, so you might as well reinforce your will to live by dragging this high-octane IV drip around with you. (Just stay away from the fireplace.)

5. Sex on the Reach

  This is the perfect cocktail for those times when your current bed partner just isn’t managing to make the earth move under your feet. (“Honey, while you grunt and sweat and impress no one but yourself, could you hand me the TV remote?”) And yes, it’s perfectly acceptable to mix one of these up during the theoretical love-making. After all, you need something to do whilst waiting for your clueless lover to find your G-spot.

6. Cosmopolitician

  Whip up a big ole pitcher of these the next time the planets cruelly align and you are forced to watch a presidential debate. Take a swig every time a Republican lies or a Democrat hedges on calling the Republican a flat-out liar. You’ll be blitzed before the third question is asked.

7. The Booty Mary

  This is the required drink any time you head to a shopping mall, because you know damn well you are going to run into a pack of those horrid women who mistakenly believe that Spandex was created to showcase butt-crack and camel-toe. It is suggested that you have several drinks before you even get out of the car, because one should never have to encounter The Walking Spread whilst sober.

8. The Man Had One

This is the official drink of Lorena Bobbitt.

9. The White Rush In

  Served in upscale, old-money, Presbyterian pubs where over-privileged socialites named Leona and oil-company executives named Dick whine about possibly having to pay the same tax rate as the little people. The drink is served with a silver spoon for stirring, an attendant who will do the actual stirring because you can’t be bothered, and a listing of Cayman Island banks who don’t ask any questions about the money you stole from other people.

10. The Mar-Teeny

  This is the courage-inducing drink that will allow you to seem convincing when notifying your significant other that you have once again wrecked the car, but “it’s only a tiny little scratch!” (Even though you have busted both axles on said car, destroyed part of the town square, and caused structural damage to an important and historical bridge.) In some parts of the country, this drink is also used to console sad people who have just had sex with someone so cosmically under-endowed that they are both technically still virgins.

11. The Mo He Toe

  This is the favorite beverage of foot fetishists everywhere, and that’s as far as I care to go with the explanation. (Sometimes a click on the Internet can take you to places that never need to be mentioned again.)

12. Absenth

  Drink enough of this kick-to-the-head and you will have no problem calling in sick at your place of employment, guilt-free, for several days. Until the well runs dry, and you suddenly realize that you are not a Bohemian in turn-of-the-century Paris, practicing free-love in the randy, artistic streets of Montmartre, thriving in the irresponsible hedonism. Instead, you live in a suburb and you better get your free-love fanny back to work before they foreclose on your house that you don’t really like. And even if you swear to act responsibly henceforth, you will still have odd flashbacks while standing in the checkout line at your local supermarket, vague memories of a little man painting images of scantily-clad chorus girls, one of whom might be you…

13. Cape Clod

  This elixir is traditionally served to people who think they are superheroes, but they suck at it and everyone with an I.Q. above zero is aware of their sucking, even though the fool in question ignores the suckage-outrage and continues to suck. (See: Ron DeSantis, Alexander Putin, Boris Johnson, Rudy Giuliani, Elon Musk, Clarence Thomas, anyone working for Fox News, anyone named Trump, current governors of Texas, and people who still don’t understand how to use an ATM machine after 35 years of having ATM machines.)

14. Long Island Iced Flee

  This is served to calm the nerves of ill-advised tourists who have actually traveled to Long Island, realized that perhaps an error was made and they have managed to escape. But they are still rattled by trying to figure out what the residents were saying to them, with that accent they have that seems rather manic and aggressive. (And the hairdos. Why do some Long Island women of a certain age feel it necessary to tease and jack their hair to a point where it has its own gravitational pull?)

15. Tequila Surprise

  Anyone who has ever spent a splendid evening enjoying tequila-based cocktails will agree that this is a true statement: At some point during the night’s festivities, perhaps wedged in between the moment you fell off the barstool in a startling display of ineptitude and the moment you screamed along with Meatloaf’s “Paradise by the Dashboard Light”, you will find yourself wondering “What happened to my underwear?”


Previously published, slight changes made.

Story behind the photo: This is a snap from Bowlounge in Dallas, a nifty retro establishment with vintage bowling lanes serving a plethora of cocktails that will help you get over the realization that you really don’t know how to bowl.


53 replies »

  1. Any number of topics to raise a glass to here , Brian. Jeez, no comments yet? Letsh get thish party shtarted. (Ps. Number 8 was a snip.)
    1/ Empty promises, plain and simple. 2/ Shaken and stirred and really confused. 3/ Gin; clear and pleasant danger. 4/ Beware- Heavily Loaded. 5/ Sandy Bottoms up! 6/ Regurgitation Special. A little goes a long way. 7/ Perilously close to a skinful. 8/ Dink driving. 9/ Spiritually soulless. 10/ Barely a buzz on. 11/ Tarantino toetally sucks. 12/ Getting shi- green faced. 13/ Unpalatably Ungodly toxic brew. 14/ Big Apple sauce? 15/ ‘Paradise By Th’ Dashboard Light’. Totally smashed it.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Well, I didn’t go to church so the Surly Temple is out. May I have . . . The White Rush In The Sex On The Reach and I would love to sip on a Cosmopolitician. I saw The Man Had One but it looked limp.

    Liked by 3 people

    • I shall begin work on your order at once. Please take a seat at that lovely table over there by the window, with an enticing view of the Beaver Valley River. If I understand the timing correctly, the Pride Parade will be floating by momentarily and you will have a front row seat for the pageantry. As a bonus, I’ll arrange for one of our more sultry rainbow waitresses to deliver your cocktails individually, with lots of unnecessary bending over the the table and the heaving of breasts. Of course, I’ll advise Sadie that she must pretend that her performance is for the benefit of a startled but intrigued Pretty, but we all know the show is just for you. There’s nothing wrong with a bit of looking, whether at the river floaters or the heaving floaters. Life’s too short to not enjoy the innocent thrills. Now, would you like a bit of this shrimp and bacon tapenade to go with your complimentary toast points? I made it fresh this morning…

      Liked by 2 people

      • Oh, my, yes indeedy – please ask Sadie to bring it by on her next twirl around…
        You made me laugh this morning after a 51 minute call with Att customer service. I wouldn’t have thought I could even muster a smile.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. I used to walk around holding a “Surley Temple,” so I wouldn’t “look like a prude,” but eventually decided that anyone who was offended that I didn’t use alcohol could kiss my then fine, fancy butt.
    Now…I have had a “Marge or Rita.” Actually, it might have been two…don’t remember. It was the first time I ever had a drink with my ex. I just remember that he was kind enough to take off my clothes after I threw up all over them. 🥴

    Liked by 1 person

    • Trust, I know all about someone having to whisk away my clothing after an experiment with an elixir went too far. We live, we learn. Well, we don’t always learn, but we try. And sometimes a bit of knowledge seeps in. To this day, after a certain incident many decades ago, I cannot abide the smell of Jack Daniels. Perhaps one day I will share the sordid details of that wretched night. But it’s still too soon, and the shame is deep… 😉

      Liked by 1 person

      • I remember the smell of Jack Daniels as well. There was usually a bottle around, but MY experience was…well, what haa happened…my partner and I had to go to a monastery to drop off a monk. No one was ever allowed to enter the monastery, but this monk was bemused by my bedside manner, I think. When I told him that I would have to remove his catheter, he flung back his blanket and said “hmm…okay, here it is.”
        I smiled and said, ” hey…this doesn’t mean we’re engaged.”
        So…we went to his room and he sent an escort with us, to the place where they made their famous fudge. They gave us a full pound.
        My partner and I hadn’t had time to eat that day, so we tore into that fudge.
        My partner was driving and I was filling out the report, since it was my run. All of a sudden, my paperwork started looking blurry and my partner said…”I think I’m drunk!”
        The fudge was made with Jack Daniels.
        I took it home and it was so strong…even the ex wouldn’t eat it! It was hilarious!

        Liked by 1 person

        • You have the best adventures, just ripe for story-telling. (You know what I’m going to say here, as I’ve said it before, so I won’t say it again. At least not today.) That monk sounds like a hoot, which just goes to show that all kinds of people are all kinds of things and we should never pre-judge.

          I’ve never heard of Jack Daniels brownies before, and although that sounds mildly intriguing, I don’t think I could be in the same room with them. Some stains just never wash out in the laundry… 😉

          Liked by 1 person

    • [Sounds of scribbling.] Okay, I’ve added Man Hatein’ to the list. Anything that will curb patriarchal smugness and toxic testicularity is fine by me. And the drink should be served with one of those tiny plastic swords to make the point even more clear.

      I remember those days of vaporized clothing. One minute you’re dancing at an after-hours club, sweaty and happy, and then suddenly you wake up in a bed where nobody knows anybody’s name. Life is full of challenges, yes?

      Liked by 1 person

  4. It’s such a wonderful list even to people like me who don’t drink. And if one is in really big trouble, one should drink one each, which can put one out for a month. When the end of the world comes, I will do that.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Wouldn’t it be lovely, though, if we actually did have beverages that could change a person into something better? There are so many unhappy people in the world doing atrocious things. If only a quick swig of a special concoction could make them think “you know what, life isn’t that bad, maybe I’ll go out and do something extraordinarily good tomorrow…”

      Like

  5. I definitely don’t want dirt in my drinks, so no Cape Clod, thanks. Ditto the Surly Temple. I want alcohol. Right now I’m dealing with the Orange Insurrectionist’s twin. The contract has finished but the unpleasant aroma is still hanging around. Maybe I’ll send a Cape Clod through the mail. Fantastic post!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks, Lynette. In line with my response to Haoyando just above you, we need to seek out and develop new potions that will magically transform all those Insurrectionists into something much more compatible and decency-confirming. It’s a long shot (pardon the pun) of course, but at least we would be being proactive instead of just sitting around and whining and waiting for better. We must BE the better. I’ll instruct the Bonnywood staff to set up a research and development lab in the basement… 😉

      Liked by 1 person

    • Well, I’m just basing things on my own experience. At 49, I was youthful and athletic and nothing ever hurt anywhere on my body. I woke up on my 50th birthday to discover that everything had changed and every part of my body was now reporting a complaint to the home office. I’m sure there’s a Sliding Scale of Life wherein we all tumble into the precipice at different ages… 😉

      Like

  6. I love, LOVE everything about the Long Island Iced Flee. I used to work with a graphic designer who used to live in proximity to some retired Long Island ladies, and his impersonations were hilarious! I always have a soft spot for same because of his interpretations.

    Liked by 1 person

    • There are definitely some colorful characters on that there Long Island. And it’s not easy to get those impersonations down just right, as there is certainly an art to it and one can easily fail at the attempt. But this doesn’t stop me from trying to do so at cocktail parties… 😉

      Liked by 1 person

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