1. The Surly Temple
This drink was originally created to placate people who confused their uptight religious upbringing (no demon alcohol!) with their natural social inclination to have a good time with their less salvation-based friends. Sadly, because the Surly Temple has no actual alcohol and did nothing to make prudish people relax their sphincters, the ordering of a Surly Temple by restaurant and/or bar patrons became a clear signal to the service staff that “this is somebody who is not going to tip well because they have issues. Skip the dessert presentation and get them out of here.”
2. The Marge Or Rita
This is the drink you should order when the bartender hollers “Last Call!” to help you determine who you get to share hangovers with the next morning. Guzzle the drink, scan the remnants of the crowd, make your selection from the limited take-out menu, and go. (For those who prefer a male companion, might I suggest the “Mark Or Pete-Ah”, and the “Sarge Or Rita” should work nicely for those who spin the dial.)
3. Gin and Chronic
This will help you live with all those recurring body aches and pains that mysteriously and suddenly appear at the very second you turn 50. (You know, those things you tell your doctor about but he gives you a dismissive “get over it, girl” hand wave, because you’ve reached that point of personal-decay where a simple sneeze can throw your back out. Then the doctor bills your insurance company 700 dollars for the three minutes he spent pretending to examine you.)
4. Rum and Cope
This is the recommended beverage to mainline before you attend a family reunion, because it’s inevitable that some dumb-ass is going to do something completely dumb-ass that jeopardizes the comfort-level of everyone except the dumb-ass. This is just how things work, so you might as well reinforce your will to live by dragging this high-octane IV drip around with you. (Just stay away from the fireplace.)
5. Sex on the Reach
This is the perfect cocktail for those times when your current bed partner just isn’t managing to make the earth move under your feet. (“Honey, while you grunt and sweat and impress no one but yourself, could you hand me the TV remote?”) And yes, it’s perfectly acceptable to mix one of these up during the theoretical love-making. After all, you need something to do whilst waiting for your clueless lover to find your G-spot.
Whip up a big ole pitcher of these the next time the planets cruelly align and you are forced to watch a presidential debate. Take a swig every time a Republican lies or a Democrat hedges on calling the Republican a flat-out liar. You’ll be blitzed before the third question is asked.
7. The Booty Mary
This is the required drink any time you head to a shopping mall, because you know damn well you are going to run into a pack of those horrid women who mistakenly believe that Spandex was created to showcase butt-crack and camel-toe. It is suggested that you have several drinks before you even get out of the car, because one should never have to encounter The Walking Spread whilst sober.
8. The Man Had One
This is the official drink of Lorena Bobbitt.
9. The White Rush In
Served in upscale, old-money, Presbyterian pubs where over-privileged socialites named Leona and oil-company executives named Dick whine about possibly having to pay the same tax rate as the little people. The drink is served with a silver spoon for stirring, an attendant who will do the actual stirring because you can’t be bothered, and a listing of Cayman Island banks who don’t ask any questions about the money you stole from other people.
10. The Mar-Teeny
This is the courage-inducing drink that will allow you to seem convincing when notifying your significant other that you have once again wrecked the car, but “it’s only a tiny little scratch!” (Even though you have busted both axles on said car, destroyed part of the town square, and caused structural damage to an important and historical bridge.) In some parts of the country, this drink is also used to console sad people who have just had sex with someone so cosmically under-endowed that they are both technically still virgins.
11. The Mo He Toe
This is the favorite beverage of foot fetishists everywhere, and that’s as far as I care to go with the explanation. (Sometimes a click on the Internet can take you to places that never need to be mentioned again.)
Drink enough of this kick-to-the-head and you will have no problem calling in sick at your place of employment, guilt-free, for several days. Until the well runs dry, and you suddenly realize that you are not a Bohemian in turn-of-the-century Paris, practicing free-love in the randy, artistic streets of Montmartre, thriving in the irresponsible hedonism. Instead, you live in a suburb and you better get your free-love fanny back to work before they foreclose on your house that you don’t really like. And even if you swear to act responsibly henceforth, you will still have odd flashbacks while standing in the checkout line at your local supermarket, vague memories of a little man painting images of scantily-clad chorus girls, one of whom might be you…
13. Cape Clod
This elixir is traditionally served to people who think they are superheroes, but they suck at it and everyone with an I.Q. above zero is aware of their sucking, even though the fool in question ignores the suckage-outrage and continues to suck. (See: Ron DeSantis, Alexander Putin, Boris Johnson, Rudy Giuliani, Elon Musk, Clarence Thomas, anyone working for Fox News, anyone named Trump, current governors of Texas, and people who still don’t understand how to use an ATM machine after 35 years of having ATM machines.)
14. Long Island Iced Flee
This is served to calm the nerves of ill-advised tourists who have actually traveled to Long Island, realized that perhaps an error was made and they have managed to escape. But they are still rattled by trying to figure out what the residents were saying to them, with that accent they have that seems rather manic and aggressive. (And the hairdos. Why do some Long Island women of a certain age feel it necessary to tease and jack their hair to a point where it has its own gravitational pull?)
15. Tequila Surprise
Anyone who has ever spent a splendid evening enjoying tequila-based cocktails will agree that this is a true statement: At some point during the night’s festivities, perhaps wedged in between the moment you fell off the barstool in a startling display of ineptitude and the moment you screamed along with Meatloaf’s “Paradise by the Dashboard Light”, you will find yourself wondering “What happened to my underwear?”
Previously published, slight changes made.
Story behind the photo: This is a snap from Bowlounge in Dallas, a nifty retro establishment with vintage bowling lanes serving a plethora of cocktails that will help you get over the realization that you really don’t know how to bowl.