Note: Another revised yank from the archives, so it’s inevitably a bit dated. But it’s about cows and pop culture. How can you go wrong with that mix? Enjoy.

Dear Viewers,

  I’m sure you’re just as excited as I am about the upcoming new shows on our glorious network. We have worked very hard to ensure that all bovine orientations have been represented, despite the threatened boycotts by right-wing organizations such as Focus on the Cows and Fred Phelps’ Sue the Cows Who Stray From God’s Herd. I’m sure you will laugh in udder delight at the merriment presented by our livestock-based series. Grab a butter churn and program your DVR’s!

Sincerely,

Elsie Dakow

Executive VP of Shadows and Fog

CowNowTV

1. “Keeping Up with the Cow-Dashians”

  Mayhem ensues as the offspring of a money-loving Holstein and a former Olympic Decowthlete (who apparently hit his head somewhere along the line) race about and spew meaningless dialogue that no one would care about if the spewers weren’t pretty. We plan on several incidents of silicone malfunction, and a three-episode arc wherein none of the “cast” members are certain who the Baby Daddy might be.

  You don’t want to miss the mirth-filled mid-season episodes where there is confusion about the proper height of stilettos, nor the heart-wrenching encounter the clueless girls have with an angry mob of bitter farmgirls who have had enough of the incessant hair-flipping and disrespect for their culture. We don’t want to reveal TOO much, but by the end of the season, there will be a startling, possibly incestuous, revelation that will make Daddy’s oddly-plastic face actually show an emotion.

2. “American Cowdol”

  Granted, we know we have a tough sell with this one, what with all the judges either being fired or opting not to return. (Well, except for Red Angus Jackson, who somehow manages to retain his current position, despite his shout-outs to the mysterious “Yo Dawg”, which has nothing to do with cows or musical ability. And that ill-defined creature he often references known as “Kinda Pitchy”. Who IS that?)

  Anyway, we’re sure you’ll want to join us for our stellar lineup of guest mentors. You will jump with joy at seeing brief, pointless visitations from Natalie Imooglia, Aeroherd, The Rolling Udders, will.i.cow, the Black-Eyed Heifers, Cow$ha, Lady Cowga, and Hall and Oats. Make sure your cell-phone payments are in order, because we don’t want pesky billing issues during the important nation-wide voting where pre-teens vote 7,000,000 times for Sancowya, who can’t sing worth a damn but has pretty hair extensions.

3. “Big Brudder”

  Once again, we have a baker’s dozen of supposedly unrelated cows locked up in a barn, fighting to win Head of Stall and vote one another out to pasture. Watch in amazement as the clueless cows bicker over the misperceived actions of others and then engage in naughty cowmances with animals they would never even consider dating in the real world. As always, the festivities will be hosted by Moolie Chen, back to prove once more that you really can only have one facial expression yet still get your own TV show.

4. “Moo Blood”

  Vampire cows. Need we say more?

5. “CSI : Old MacDonald’s Farm”

  Join us as we search the barnyard and neighboring farms for clues to a string of brutal cowicides during the Harvest Festival. No one is safe as the “Zoodiac Killer” stalks innocent Daisies and Brownies as they just want to chew their cud under the apple tree. Featuring guest-star stints from all the actors who have left the other CSI shows during contractual disputes.

6. “Twin Teats”

  In a quirky little village vaguely located in the Pacific Northwest, someone has killed the reigning Butter Queen, and it’s up to out-of-towner Kyle McAngus to find out what’s really going on. He eats lots of pie and spends time talking to the strange citizens, all of whom seem to have something to hide, probably in one of their four stomachs. Just when you think you have things all figured out, David DuCowvney will show up in bovine drag and sour your cream.

7. “24 Cows”

  A counter-terrorism unit is given the unenviable task of stopping an evil villainess, played by Sally Struthers, as she tries to destroy local cornfields that use non-organic pesticides. The squad is led by heroic Jack Cower, who is afraid of nothing, calmly subjecting himself to vicious methane gases coming from the compost heap. But the real brains of the outfit is his trusted assistant, Chloe O’Cowan, who uses her snappy banter and technical prowess to decipher secret access codes for grain silos, and she can hack into the power grid to re-route duck traffic when third-world billy goats hide bombs in the clover.

8. “The Laughing Cow”

  This pre-teen educational program is designed for our younger viewers who like to sing, dance and eat cheese. Structured activities include learning where milk comes from, a cow-pie bakeoff, and sing-alongs with furry critters that have been carefully drugged to avoid lawsuits. Be sure to sign the kiddos up for our related book club, “Cowboys and Cowbelles”, where this week’s featured selection is “The Amazing Adventures of Bitsy Moo-Moo and Her Sexually-Ambiguous Friend Terry”. Membership kits include faux leather cowboy boots for the youngsters and faux leather g-strings for their parents.

9. “Brown’s Anatomy”

  Set in a veterinarian hospital, this high-gloss soap opera follows several budding anesthesiologists as they try to balance a demanding career with busy private lives where no one can make up their minds about who they want to sleep with. The soundtrack is crammed with songs from obscure bands, so that you will think every scene is more touching than it really is. And if the plot starts to get a bit boring, don’t worry. The writers will just kill off one of the main characters and totally change things around.

10. The Big Bovine Theory

  Knock three times on this instant classic about two guys who live in a state without same-sex marriage and must therefore pretend that they like women for social-standing purposes. To obscure things, we throw in lots of scientific jargon that doesn’t really mean anything if you think about it, awkward situations that only geeky people would find themselves in, and continual references to things that Joss Whedon either wrote, created or had cancelled. If you ever find yourself bored, we conveniently hired an actress that you can stare at and go “hey, wasn’t she on the last season of ‘Charmed’?”

Enjoy!

Previously cow-prodded, revised and rebranded for this post. And yes, I realize the Bruce Jenner references read a bit odd now that we know more, but such things can happen when you release the same tainted cow into a different pasture. (Caitlan Jenner: “I’m transgender! But I’m also a hate-clenched Republican, so I will vote against any legislation that will ease the lives of fellow transgenders, thereby making me a hypocrite that suffocates my own identity. That’s how we do things in this Orange Bobblehead party.”)

Well, screw you, Caitlan. And the amoral horse you rode in on. You had a chance to do good, but you couldn’t stop looking at yourself in the mirror. Too bad you didn’t see what was really there…

Cheers.