Humor

20 Random Thoughts After Re-Watching the Very First Harry Potter Movie

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1. Wow, those kids look like they’re about 6 years old.

2. Hermione was pretty bitchy back in the day.

3. Daniel Radcliffe/Harry has exactly two facial expressions: “total surprise at being famous for basically doing nothing” and “grim determination as he prepares to face off against a monster that the adults really should be killing instead of sitting around and making stupid rules about not going in the forest”.

4. Maggie Smith/Professor McGonagall has exactly two expressions: “prim disapproval of basically everything that is going on” and “sad acceptance of the fact that no one understands how much she suffers for her art (I won an Oscar, people!)”.

5. How did Dumbledore wash that beard of his? Or not have nightmares about garbage disposals?

6. Alan Rickman must have had a very understanding pharmacist.

7. Those “viewing towers” at the quidditch matches were really cool, despite being essentially pointless if you actually wanted to watch the game.

8. There are hundreds of kids mucking about at Hogwarts, but at any given time there are only four kids in a given classroom. And one of the four is usually Hermione, waving her attention-craving hand in the air and yearning to answer another question from the teacher before her head explodes with all that knowledge.

9. They only have one caretaker in this place? No wonder he looks so mean and old.

10. Hagrid, dude, it’s about that hair.

11. Hey, the woman who plays Harry’s nasty aunt is the same woman who showed up on True Blood that one season and made Pam’s face not be pretty any more, which of course led to dissatisfaction, war, and a debate about Marnie’s right to open a pseudo Pottery Barn shop.

12. What’s the horrid, spoiled cousin’s name, the one with all the presents and the whining? Runtley? Grunt boy? Doesn’t matter. He needs to go. Life’s too short to put up with that mess.

13. Why do they let Hagrid live in that little hut off by himself? Nobody else gets to have a cabana.

14. You’d think somebody could figure out how to make those staircases not move. This is a school, right?

15. Wouldn’t it be easier to just have someone cast a spell on you so that you would automatically know all the spells and wouldn’t have to go to class? Or is this a union issue?

16. I don’t want the paintings on the wall to talk. I don’t care if I get to wear a pretty robe and wave a twig around, I need my decorating accessories to be quiet.

17. Seriously, they had a multi-million-dollar budget and they couldn’t come up with a scar for Harry that didn’t look like it was done by a third-grader with focus issues?

18. Practically the whole school year goes by, with unicorns being ravaged and ugly goblins being let loose in the lavatory, and no one thought to take a peek under that one guy’s turban?

19. There’s something wrong with that whole scoring thing for the House Competition. Hermione and Ron got the same amount of bonus points for the little underground death-chess thingy toward the end of the movie, even though all she did was stand there, with her and her hair looking anguished, while Ron did all the work and almost died about 40 times. And he rode a horse. Hermione didn’t ride anything. I’m thinking somebody needs to file a grievance.

20. I would never take off the Invisibility Cloak. Ever.


Previously published, slight modifications made. Based on comments from my previous shares, I feel compelled to point out that I’ve always liked the Harry Potter movies. This piece is just a lark, poking fun at the silly bits. Author J.K. Rowling, on the other hand, has lost my respect with her recent, unapologetic slams against the transgender community. Don’t preach equality in your books if you can’t do the same in real life. This world needs more acceptance, not exclusion.


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60 replies »

    • Watch-athons are always a great thing to do, and the Harry Potter movies are good candidates for such. If nothing else, it’s fun watching the once-diminutive actors “grow up” through the years, going from feisty little urchins to almost-adults. (Even though Daniel Radcliffe was roughly 37 years old by the final installment…)

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  3. oh, I remember this so well. I met a bunch of families of my students at the theater to see it. every teacher read the first book aloud to their classes, all grades and the parents got very involved. I’ve never experienced a book that crossed over and got the whole family, before or after. your post is so funny and spot on.

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    • And your memory triggers a memory of my own: I was late to the Harry Potter franchise, at least from the book-reading perspective. I knew nothing about the popularity of the books until one day when I was travelling to Hawaii for a business conference. During one of the inevitable layovers, I spied a young woman reading a hugely-thick book, sprawled out on the floor of the airport terminal and feverishly flipping pages, clearly entranced.

      Since I’m an instant fan of folks who still read (because so many don’t these days) and I love me a hefty volume (a thousand pages? bring it!), I slyly waited until I could get a gander at the title. It was “Goblet of Fire”, which meant nothing to me, but after I returned home I did my research, realized this might be something up my alley, and I tracked down a copy of the first book in the series. And an obsession was born…

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      • excellent path to harry! p.s. a couple of years ago I read a paperback copy of war and peace, because I had always wanted to know why it was a classic. you should have seen the reactions of people when I pulled that out to read when waiting for appointments or in the park.

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  4. Muggles school struggles spells trouble for ol’ whats-is-name?
    Number 3; I have to agree, Danny Boy sure was one-dimensional in that first flick. The books did work beyond a kidult level and my kids loved ’em, raved about them, and so I read and enjoyed them too. Even my very- and I mean very- rational no-nonsense down-to-earth mother actually read all the books and also enjoyed them; though she had never had any time for any of that CS Lewis walk in-closet stuff, and certainly none of what she called ‘that Tolkien walking talking trees tosh.’ Hogwarts she could get lost in, but Middle Earth, Fangorn Forest and Misty Mountains were to her, utter hogwash.
    And anything that could get so many kids off their twiddly thumb games and reading, and my Mum ‘s nose out of the Readers Digress had to be a winner.

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    • Yep, the Harry Potter books work on so many levels for so many people, regardless of age. (There’s a Stephen King quote out there in the ether that says it much more skillfully than I, but I have focus issues and gave up the Google search after roughly 2.5 seconds.) I’m all for anything that entices anyone to read, but I still have something stuck in my craw now that J.K. has proven to be intolerant, in real life. (Yes, I’m still on that soapbox.) It just re-colors everything I thought about the books. Still, reading is good, do some every day…

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  5. I was late to the Potter movies as I never read the books. Binge watched all of them over a snowy winter weekend last year, and I agree. They really should have figured out those stairs…

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  7. Once a year, I re-watch all the Harry Potter movies and I love everything about them, even the nonsensical stuff, but Rowling can go to hell. A classic example of someone who’s a good writer but a shit human being.

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    • Agreed. The books and the movies are a delight. (And I would re-read ALL of the previous books as the publication date for the latest tome approached, so I’ve read most of them 47 times.) But great narrative talent does not justify the assholery of the writer…

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    • And you’re probably right. But I suspect that you might actually admire the creativity in the books, as Rowling is very imaginative, at least when it comes to story-telling. Not so much when it comes to inclusion in her personal life…

      Curious, have you ever read any of the Lemony Snicket/A Series of Unfortunate Events books? This is another collection that initially appears to be geared toward children, but really operates on many levels in a fantastical way…

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  11. Those books taught my son to read. Prior to Harry, reading was something other people did. He certainly wasn’t going to have anything to with that poison. In time, he became a voracious reader and consumer of the movies. It helped that he and Danny are the same age, so he literally grew up with him.

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    • Oh, I’m not knocking the fact that Rowling’s books helped many a youngster learn the joys of reading. She has been hugely influential in that area. And her books are all about inclusion and validation of everyone. (Well, at least the good kind of people.) I’m just disappointed that she tainted her legacy by not practicing what she initially preached…

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        • Oh, my apologies right back. I didn’t take offense or anything like that, so please excuse if my comment was taken that way. I think you are wonderful and I would never be bothered by anything you had to say. So, big digital hug, and let’s get back to celebrating life and finding the best in everything… 😉

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  13. Pingback: 20 Random Thoughts After Re-Watching the Very First Harry Potter Movie | In the Net! – Pictures and Stories of Life

    • Okay, we’re making a pact right now: If I ever become a famous author, and I start showing signs of loving money more than equality and inclusion, you and Pretty are to immediately drive to Dallas and slap some sense into me. Preferably during the State Fair so, post-slap, we can go get us some Fletcher’s corny dogs. Deal?

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    • JK Rowling has been disinvited and deplatformed by those hypocrites in the franchise making pots of money. I watched the first film, but now am happy to give Rowling the royalties she deserves. I stick to re-reading the books. I’d watch the film again for Alan Rickman. Maggie Smith and Robbie Coltrane if I could replace Radcliffe and his pals who provided a cringeworthy wooden performance.

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  17. I keep trying to understand where JK is coming from in regards to growing up as a little girl vs a little boy before transitioning, but I still can’t wrap my head around it. Not that it matters, cuz people should be able to live however they want as long as it isn’t hurting anyone else. Period.

    Like you, I came to Harry Potter late. Mine was contrariness. I instantly dislike whatever the new craze is 😂😂 Younger was a HUGE fan, so I, putting my child above myself, took them to see Goblet Of Fire (coincidence? I noticed goblet was your 1st intro too)
    Fast Forward and I’d seen all the movies except the last and decided to read the books.

    I like new Dumbledore better than old Dumbledore, and Hagrid gets a cabana cuz of all his “pets”… no one wants to share a room with him 😱

    💌💌

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    • First, I just don’t understand people who can’t let other people live their lives in the manner they are trying to do so, as long as they aren’t hurting anyone. It affects your life in no way whatsoever, and I can guarantee that if we turned the spotlight in THEIR direction and disapproved of their own choices they would scream persecution. Ugh.

      I love that we both entered the Harry Potter world via “Goblet”. It’s just confirmation that we think so much alike that we were probably separated at birth due to some screw-up in the maternity ward at Saint Agnetha’s Hospital for the Spread-Legged and Grunting.

      Hope you’re doing well. I’ve been a bad boy in not commenting on your posts for a while, but I do read every one of them. Because that’s what good separated-siblings do… 😉

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  18. Hermione was a bit much in the first movie, but I loved the rest of the cast. Sadly, I lost interest in the whole enterprise halfway through the second film.

    I agree about casting one spell to learn all the spells. And I agree about the invisibility cloak. I would Never remove it.

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