Left to right… Sophia: “Picture it. Sicily, 1920. A beautiful young woman is running naked through a field of golden flowers. These things happen when you have chianti for breakfast. The woman pauses to let the sun glisten on her perky bazoombas, when suddenly she is propositioned by […]
Circa 1975… Emily: “God, Mom. Why did you bring me here? I thought we were going shopping for Christmas presents.” Mom: “That’s exactly what we’re doing.” Emily: “But I’ve never heard of this place. So I know I don’t want anything they have.” Mom: “Well, we’re not shopping […]
Cleo the Cat: “What the hell are we looking at?” Scotch the Cat: “Oh, that’s right. You’re new around here. I forgot. I forget a lot of things. I once forgot that if the toy-let seat is up you can’t use it as a long-ching pad to get […]
1. Slim Jims from the corner convenience store. [Take cheap plastic meat out of cheap plastic packaging prior to arrival. Wrap meat in the ugly silk scarf that Cousin Edna tossed your way 20 years ago and you’ve never worn.] “This is a special friendship log that I […]
Joan: “Look, I understand that you are upset, but there is absolutely no reason for you to be shoving your hand anywhere near my bosom. You’re not a casting director.” Cliff: “No, you don’t understand. I have been in the kitchen all day, sweating my ass off and […]
These days, if I bother to reflect on what I might want for Christmas, I’m rarely able to stay on topic for any length of time. After all, at my age, I’ve been around the block at least four thousand times (arrested a time or two on some […]
There are many things that a Hollywood Starlet must do in order to be promoted to Hollywood Star, even if they don’t particularly relish those things. In this fine example, the powers that be are forcing Carole to appear enraptured by her potential Christmas gifts whilst wearing skimpy […]
Clara’s Diary: “December 24th, late. So I met this guy. I was at a bar in West Hollywood, that part of town where all the set decorators live. I really only went in there because I really needed to pee. We’d been to the Cocoanut Grove earlier, and […]
1. The stupid box it comes in. As soon as you dump the various sections of the tree out of the shiny, new box, you might as well throw the box away. You are never going to get all of the tree back in that box. And as […]
Note: Those of you who have been with me for a while know that I have certain stories that I re-share during the holidays. This is the first of several that you will see (re-see?) over the next few weeks. Enjoy. Momma: “Lucille, get away from the […]
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