The lovely Saturday evening had been going splendidly until Claudette laughed just a bit too hard and the cauliflower casserole from dinner backfired unexpectedly. Her bloomers billowed, the conversation ceased, the cab driver discreetly rolled down a window before they all perished, and the possibility of a second […]
1. “I’m sorry, was that you trying to form a complete sentence? My bad. At first I thought someone had run over another armadillo out on Route 9.” 2. “So when the Jesus visions come to you, are they live-action or animated? I’ve always wondered. We don’t get […]
Dr. Machismo, addressing his Psychology 101 class: “Students, in this classic snapshot, the photographer has managed to capture the full range of male sexuality. A lovely maiden is simply trying to transport a freshly-picked butternut squash to the Rome apartment of her beloved grandmother, Mary Elizabeth Catherine Marie […]
Colleen: “I don’t mean to be rude, but who the hell are you and why are you in my dressing room?” Virginia: “Thank you for asking. Well, I just happened to be walking by your penthouse, because I don’t have anything more important to do, and I could […]
Ruth: “I suppose we should get up and actually do something with our lives.” Betty: “I don’t really see the point. I still have plenty of cigarettes left, I could do this all day. Although it would be nice to have an ashtray. Sorry about the carpet, dear.” […]
1. There’s really no reason to leave the house for 72 hours. None. Getting out in this mess is just not worth it. Yes, you might save a few bucks, and who doesn’t want to do that right now. But the side-effects of venturing forth into the madness […]
Howdy, Clam Bakers. After the excitement of last week’s bake (guest speakers! Elderberry wine! Salami-grasping!), tonight’s campfire will be more subdued. I was in the midst of some digital housekeeping this afternoon, trying to figure out what’s in all these cryptically-christened files that are apparently breeding on my […]
1. The “fake food poisoning” approach. Eat lunch at your desk, but purposely do not finish all of it. Find something odd that you can mix into the remaining food, like cough syrup or pencil shavings. Stir until the mess is completely unrecognizable, just like those dreaded casseroles […]
1. It’s round. This is a relatively safe shape. There are generally no sharp edges where you can accidentally slice open an artery, and that’s always a good thing. Now, there is a minimal amount of inherent danger if your pizza is not already pre-sliced when you attack […]
Mary Pickford: “I’m sorry, what did you say?” Mirror: “I said that you really shouldn’t leave the house wearing such a mess. Especially if you plan to flop your hands around like that. You’re not six years old anymore, honey.” Mary: “But I’m America’s Sweetheart!” Mirror: “Well, you […]
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