Note: I realize it’s not Friday, but I just stumbled across this one in the archives and felt compelled to share it again. Enjoy. For this week’s Bake, we’ll be sticking with the trivia angle, although I’m switching from music to acting. (Before you run screaming from the […]
1. The constant nipple protrusion. When the temperature drops, my hi-beams come on. For hours at a time. And with an intensity that is mildly frightening. Some of my shirts are so lacerated at pec level that it looks like Edward Scissorhands dropped by for a drunken game […]
To: Our Beloved Guests RE: The Crapfest Weather of the Last Several Days Which Has Led to Unappreciated Variances in What You Expect Out of Life First and foremost, I must thank you for your generous patience as we work our way through this wretchedly woeful wallop. Said […]
“I love you more than beer.” “You complete my bobble-head collection.” “You tractor-pulled my heart.” “Your eyes sparkle like moonshine.” “You are the prettiest girl in the Wal-Marts parking lot.” “I love you like a sister. Oh wait…” “Love means never […]
Fair Warning: I’m a little bit cranky in this ancient bit of venting, as evidenced by the title. Brace yourselves accordingly… 1. Idiots don’t know what snow is. Stunning as it may seem, there are folks out there who are completely mystified by the white stuff falling from […]
Douglas, left: “Why are both of you looking at me like you know something that I don’t?” Jean, middle: “I’m not looking at anybody. When you use as much peroxide on your hair as I do, you lose a little bit of muscle control.” James, right: “I might […]
1. She used your middle name when screaming from another room that you needed to report to her immediately. 2. Dead silence on her end of the line when you called her at work for the twenty-seventh time in one afternoon. 3. Proclaiming at dinner that you don’t […]
Katharine: “Mirror, mirror, not on the wall, will I get the part in that movie with the hottie named Spencer?” Big Mirror: “Why, certainly. You have impeccable credentials, your acting is superb, and both you and the Spencer hottie need to quell certain rumors about your fluid sexual […]
Marilyn Monroe: “Arthur, I’m not really understanding this bit in your play right here, with the witches shrieking.” Arthur Miller, off-camera due to clearance issues with his publicist: “Well, it’s an allegory about the Salem trials and McCarthyism and… why are you standing like that?” Marilyn: “I’m posing […]
Wallace Beery, right: “You seem a bit out of sorts, my pet.” Joan Crawford, left: “Of course I’m out of sorts. Did you see how they treated me when we checked into this awful hotel? Wallace: “My dear, this is one of the most exquisite hotels in the […]
Recent Comments