1. Some like it hot. These folks reach in, turn the hot-water tap to ultra-gusher, completely ignore the cold-water tap, and then leave the settings like this for the entire three-hour tour. Now, I generally like to wash away my sins as well as anyone, but I really […]
1. Getting the lawn mower out of the shed Once upon a time, we thought it would be really cute to convert the garage into another den, because we had too much furniture in the rest of the house. (I have an inability to consider where I’m going […]
Fair disclosure: We’re actually flying TO Spain and not FROM Mexico later today, but I thought this little rant from years ago was still appropriate. After all, some things never change. Enjoy. 1. Okay, hold up, all you heathens thundering toward the frightened ticket-taker at the gate. They’re […]
1. Who are all these strange people sleeping on your couches? Granted, some of them look a little familiar, so they could actually be invited guests who decided they might not be in the best condition to get on the nation’s highways. But it’s hard to tell. Let’s […]
Note: I finally broke down and started paying someone to take care of the yard, having fretted previously about justifying the expense. Turns out this was one of the best decisions, ever, and the joy of not having to screw with all that mess is indescribable. But […]
1. “Can you help me understand why that pair of underwear has been in the same spot for two weeks now? Is it a memorial of some kind? Are we not allowed to touch it, like the state flower when it grows by the side of the road?” […]
Thank you for selecting Lefty Blue’s Animal Tours as an entertainment destination. We are quite certain that you will enjoy your time with us as we explore the darkest corners of uncivilized society. For today’s adventure, we will be visiting the Soulless Bushlands, the Lower Regions of Moralitavia, […]
1. She used your middle name when screaming from another room that you needed to report to her immediately. 2. Dead silence on her end of the line when you called her at work for the twenty-seventh time in one afternoon. 3. Proclaiming at dinner that you don’t […]
1. You become aroused simply walking through the produce section of the supermarket. (Stay away from the cucumbers and the carrots. And you might want to avoid the gourds as well, because some of those raised bumps can look very interesting.) 2. You seem to be having too […]
1. Trying to stonewash my own jeans, using bleach, because buying the real thing was too damn expensive. (And failing miserably with the home-school fashion update, reducing the denim to the consistency of mosquito netting.) 2. Playing “Quarters” with my college peeps, never pausing to consider that it […]
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