1. Absolutely nothing. 2. Test out the stamina of your alarm clock. You’ve always wondered how many times you can hit the snooze button until it just stops working and you wake up the next day. (It explains all this in the manual, of course, but you haven’t […]
1. You watch a TV show that you’re not all that interested in just because you’re too exhausted to figure out how to get to that Guide channel on the new remote that your partner keeps swapping out every two weeks. (Why must we always have new ones? […]
It’s amazing how messing with just a word or two in a title can totally change your marketing demographic… 1. “The Combine Strikes Back” 2. “Lawrence of Alabama” 3. “The Sound of Mooing” 4. “A Streetcar Named Bessie Mae” 5. “From Here to That Tree over […]
Note: This is the “Pinterest” version, but the shocking obsessions and degradations essentially apply to all platforms. More to follow. 1. You no longer remember the names of your children. Or if you even have any. 2. The last time you looked at the television, “Friends” was still […]
1. “I’m sorry, was that you trying to form a complete sentence? My bad. At first I thought someone had run over another armadillo out on Route 9.” 2. “So when the Jesus visions come to you, are they live-action or animated? I’ve always wondered. We don’t get […]
Here at the Neurotica Café, we offer a full dining experience to ensure that you have the most emotionally-appropriate meal you have ever had. We accept all major credit cards and most insurance plans. Reservations are strongly suggested, both mentally and physically. 1. The Passive-Aggressive Patty Melt […]
1. “I knew there were going to be issues when they told me I had to light both ends of the baton before I could twirl it.” 2. “Does anyone have a really big truck that can haul something the size of a small elephant? Oh, and I […]
Note: I was compelled to dig this one out of the archives after sitting here for two hours while apparently every other citizen in South Dallas is lighting fireworks that are prohibited in South Dallas. The current booming reminded me of a past booming, and in a fit […]
1. Frigi-Daze The concept of opening the refrigerator and staring forlornly at the contents, unable to make a decision about what it is that you want to shove into your mouth. You know you want something, voices are speaking to you, calling your name, but the language is […]
In yet another example of Tea Party members completely misunderstanding America and what it stands for, the political cult has chosen to release its latest mindless rant about nothing. A “fact-finding” committee, led by one Willard M. Bushney, leader of the scandal-plagued church, Our Lady of Endless Inbreeding, […]
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