Photographer: “Excuse me, Miss Dunaway. What exactly are you and your leg doing?” Faye: “I’m photographing you photographing me. It’s all the rage in the art scene after Antonioni started doing it when he directed Blow-Up. And artsy people really enjoy doing obscure things based on obscure Italian […]
Fred and Ginger were having a swell time on the dance floor, until Fred got a bit too exuberant and decided a high-kick was somehow appropriate for the moment. Ginger went sailing through the air, her expression quickly changing from professional giddiness to one of abject fear, and […]
Him: “My dearest, as I expire dramatically in this wheat field, while the city where we met burns to mere ashes in the background, know that I have always loved you, and the image of your beautiful face will be with me always, Maria.” Her: “That was so […]
Humphrey: “Say, what happened to your face there, doll? Has your man been wallopin’ you around? I can take care of him if you want me to. Just say the word.” Ida: “Well, as much as I would like to belittle my husband for the wretched things he […]
Jimmy: “There’s something happening here.” Claudette: “There is? Is it my hairdo? I knew something didn’t feel right about this choice.” Jimmy: “What it is ain’t exactly clear.” Claudette: “Oh. Well, if it’s not me, you must be talking about the rather rude way you’re sitting, showing your […]
Jimmy: “I’m sorry, what did you just ask?” Maggie: “Where is your Husband Department?” Jimmy: “Are you trying to find the Men’s clothing section?” Maggie: “No, Husband. I need a new one.” Jimmy: “May I inquire as to what’s wrong with the old one?” Maggie: “He’s just not […]
Later that night, the sisters at Saint Expulsia’s Convent of Cloistered Celibates were unable to sleep, probably because someone had put just a little too much sugar in the tapioca pudding served at the Chastity Dinner earlier that night. Bored and vibrating, they gathered in Sister Socialita’s spartan […]
Note: Okay, fessing a little, I DID try wearing contacts way back in the day, like 1983, when they were these hard, inflexible buttons that you basically had to glue to your eyeball and you couldn’t really close your eyelids comfortably when they hit that damn speed […]
Note: Another one from the archives, this time involving a personal mea culpa to my friend Laura, who I done did wrong one day… Prosecuting Attorney Lowena Purvis cleared her throat rather demonstratively, an attention-getting device she had perfected while studying law at Beaver Valley Community College in […]
Despite this ill-advised early publicity shot, the automotive industry still managed to gain traction. In the background, Henry Ford curses the day he decided to hire family members in the promotions department just to keep the peace during holiday gatherings. He turns in disgust, ready to slink away, […]
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