1. Avoid social interactions with questionable relatives. Yes, you do have to offer an initial greeting to everyone that you see, this is only polite, but your line of responsibility ends there. Once you have achieved this basic fake show of happiness that you have seen them once […]
Little Sally: “Are we really supposed to eat that? It looks like roadkill.” Little Billy: “I know it’s not pretty. But it’s only a month until Christmas and you know what that means.” Little Sally: “That there will be another one of these dead birds on the table?” […]
Marceline: “Okay, help me understand why I’m posing like this?” Photographer: “I have no idea. They just give me the assignment and I try to make it happen. Don’t judge.” Marceline: “But what’s my motivation in this scene?” Photographer: “This is not a scene, Sweetie. It’s just a […]
This little holiday doesn’t have quite as much going for it, unlike the flashier Thanksgiving and Christmas spectaculars, filled as they are with rituals like massive feasts and drunken relatives bickering over stupid things. Basically, May Day involves flowers and people prancing around a stripper pole. That’s about […]
1. It will destroy your soul. Granted, there was a time and place when I greatly enjoyed swaddling carefully-selected gifts in whimsically-printed paper. I would spend hours ensuring that each box o’ joy was so meticulously enshrined in festive wrapping that angels would descend from Heaven and sing […]
Ah, that time of year when the desperation factor intensifies as you search for perfect holidays gifts, venturing into high-end stores that you don’t normally frequent… 1. I clearly don’t make enough money in my life. What do people do for a living that are able to […]
Melanie was in a bit of a pickle. Her guests were due in mere minutes, and she still had several action items with which to dispense. She found this predicament to be annoyingly distressful, especially since she had planned her preparatory agenda down to the most microscopic detail, […]
Cleo the Cat: “What the hell are we looking at?” Scotch the Cat: “Oh, that’s right. You’re new around here. I forgot. I forget a lot of things. I once forgot that if the toy-let seat is up you can’t use it as a long-ching pad to get […]
1. Slim Jims from the corner convenience store. [Take cheap plastic meat out of cheap plastic packaging prior to arrival. Wrap meat in the ugly silk scarf that Cousin Edna tossed your way 20 years ago and you’ve never worn.] “This is a special friendship log that I […]
1. The stupid box it comes in. As soon as you dump the various sections of the tree out of the shiny, new box, you might as well throw the box away. You are never going to get all of the tree back in that box. And as […]
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