Marlene Dietrich, moody but talented: “Do I look like I’m impressed with this outfit?” Director, obscure but arty: “Well, no. But you never look impressed with anything. Has anybody ever actually seen your teeth? “ Marlene: “I never smile. Smiling is for lazy people.” Director: “Should I mention […]
Hyacinth Macaw, prosecuting attorney and generally unpleasant person, stood up at her document-laden table and made an announcement: “I’m ready to cross-examine the witness on the stand.” Judge Pearline Soufflé did not stand up at her hand-carved bench, one that was not laden with anything because she was […]
As I was prepping this piece, I struggled, as I usually do, with finding the right words for the introduction. After fifty-odd spotlights, it’s become increasingly difficult to come up with a unique intro that feels fresh and non-repetitive. After all, how many different ways can you say […]
Tallulah was thoroughly unimpressed with her assigned role when the cast was announced for the 1926 London premiere of “A Yankee Thanksgiving: This Is What Happens When You Defy a British Monarch and Hop on a Boat Bound for a Colony That Has No Indoor Plumbing”. The play […]
Greta, the wife, left: “Is this what it’s come to, with this massive table representing the distance in our marriage?” Felix, the servant, fiddling with who knows what, center, whispering: “Girl, don’t poke the bear. You know he has unregulated testosterone issues.” Anders, husband, possible bear, right: “Whatever […]
Cary: “So, did you sneak in the hacksaw so I can cut through these bars and blow this joint?” Katharine: “I might have. Or maybe I didn’t. You need to answer some questions first.” Cary: “I got nothin’ else to do in here except hope that I don’t […]
Amazon Operator: “How may I direct your call?” Katharine: “I need to speak with someone about my order.” Operator: “May I ask about the nature of your concern?” Katharine: “They sent me the wrong thing, that’s my concern.” Operator: “I see. And what were you expecting to get?” […]
Note: As we close out this chaotic, surreal day in America, I felt compelled to say something, anything, to help us process the latest damaging fallout of an unhinged president. But I wasn’t sure of how I should do this. Do I go funny and light, offering a […]
Henry: “I yearn for you desperately.” Barbara: “How touching. But as you can see by the perfect curl artfully-arranged on my forehead, I’m not particularly fond of touching. Because it might jack with the curl and I spent far too much time in makeup for such a thing […]
Note: This list is actually from two years ago, but the song remains the same, for the most part… 1. Car manufacturers will finally develop a special button for your dashboard which, when pushed, will cause the car in front of you at the drive-thru ATM, wherein the […]
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