Kim: “I seem to have snagged my dress on something and I’m unable to release my pent-up desires.” William: “Who cares about your dress? I’ve got my shirt caught on this dead Cooter Tree and it’s making me pose in an unrealistic manner.” Kim: “Well, at least your […]
William: “Darling, could you explain to me why you’re doing what you’re doing?” Jean: “We’ve already discussed this, poodle. I’m practicing to be a brain surgeon.” William: “Why do I get the feeling that this lovely procedure is not something you’ve ever read in a textbook?” Jean: “Textbook? […]
Walter, internally: “I don’t know why we’re doing this. I only went on this date so my parents would quit pestering me about the fact that I haven’t shown any interest in women since birth. I want to stay in my father’s will, naturally, because an inherited lifestyle […]
Fair disclosure: This one gets a little naughty… 1. David, Cop Her Feel (“A dispirited lad in London suddenly realizes that women have breasts and he chooses a new career path as a test subject in Knackered Nancy’s Massage School for Busty Lasses.”) 2. Jane Erred (“A Young […]
1. You have to show up for work on time. For some diabolic reason, they always schedule these torture sessions first thing in the morning. There’s absolutely no legitimate reason for this, because no one, I don’t care who you are, functions their best before 10am. At that […]
It’s amazing how messing with just a word or two in a title can totally change your marketing demographic… 1. “The Combine Strikes Back” 2. “Lawrence of Alabama” 3. “The Sound of Mooing” 4. “A Streetcar Named Bessie Mae” 5. “From Here to That Tree over […]
The lovely Saturday evening had been going splendidly until Claudette laughed just a bit too hard and the cauliflower casserole from dinner backfired unexpectedly. Her bloomers billowed, the conversation ceased, the cab driver discreetly rolled down a window before they all perished, and the possibility of a second […]
Colleen: “I don’t mean to be rude, but who the hell are you and why are you in my dressing room?” Virginia: “Thank you for asking. Well, I just happened to be walking by your penthouse, because I don’t have anything more important to do, and I could […]
Ruth: “I suppose we should get up and actually do something with our lives.” Betty: “I don’t really see the point. I still have plenty of cigarettes left, I could do this all day. Although it would be nice to have an ashtray. Sorry about the carpet, dear.” […]
1. It’s round. This is a relatively safe shape. There are generally no sharp edges where you can accidentally slice open an artery, and that’s always a good thing. Now, there is a minimal amount of inherent danger if your pizza is not already pre-sliced when you attack […]
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