Carole was a bit troubled. That last things she could firmly recall in the fevered menagerie of her mind was that she had spent a quiet evening at home, enjoying a bit of stir-fry based on a recipe a neighbor had handed her during one of those awkward […]
I basically enjoyed it, but I still cried a little bit. Wait, perhaps I’m getting a smidge ahead of myself. Let’s rewind a day or six. Last Friday eve, as I was innocently watching something innocuous on the telly with Partner, my phone pinged. I glanced at such, […]
Let’s eavesdrop on the wedding participants’ thoughts, shall we? Left to right. Conrad “Nicky” Hilton: “I am so glad that Elizabeth Taylor agreed to marry me. I’m sure her decision had nothing to do with my family being so wealthy that we can buy elections and entire countries.” […]
1. The constant nipple protrusion. When the temperature drops, my hi-beams come on. For hours at a time. And with an intensity that is mildly frightening. Some of my shirts are so lacerated at pec level that it looks like Edward Scissorhands dropped by for a drunken game […]
To: Our Beloved Guests RE: The Crapfest Weather of the Last Several Days Which Has Led to Unappreciated Variances in What You Expect Out of Life First and foremost, I must thank you for your generous patience as we work our way through this wretchedly woeful wallop. Said […]
“I love you more than beer.” “You complete my bobble-head collection.” “You tractor-pulled my heart.” “Your eyes sparkle like moonshine.” “You are the prettiest girl in the Wal-Marts parking lot.” “I love you like a sister. Oh wait…” “Love means never […]
Fair Warning: I’m a little bit cranky in this ancient bit of venting, as evidenced by the title. Brace yourselves accordingly… 1. Idiots don’t know what snow is. Stunning as it may seem, there are folks out there who are completely mystified by the white stuff falling from […]
Douglas, left: “Why are both of you looking at me like you know something that I don’t?” Jean, middle: “I’m not looking at anybody. When you use as much peroxide on your hair as I do, you lose a little bit of muscle control.” James, right: “I might […]
1. She used your middle name when screaming from another room that you needed to report to her immediately. 2. Dead silence on her end of the line when you called her at work for the twenty-seventh time in one afternoon. 3. Proclaiming at dinner that you don’t […]
Katharine: “Mirror, mirror, not on the wall, will I get the part in that movie with the hottie named Spencer?” Big Mirror: “Why, certainly. You have impeccable credentials, your acting is superb, and both you and the Spencer hottie need to quell certain rumors about your fluid sexual […]
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